Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

What school is your DD going to that enfources these types of mental rules!!

Id be supporting her right to, at 16!!!! to wear makeup. Face peircings id be more inclined to try and talk them out of it but only because i know so many people that take it out and are left with scars.

I have no clue how makeup prohibits or has a negative affect on school work. Crazy.

I agree with this, teens like to think they are unique and special, and saying you were the same at her age won’t help.

My beautician has a 16 yr old Saturday girl who cleans and sets things up for her for a few hours.
I’d encourage her to to go into all the local hairdressers and beauticians and see if they want a Saturday girl. Would be good for her confidence and self esteem. Widen her world and put school in perspective.
Op obviously made decisions to hold her back with good intentions if she was youngish in year and ND. The school must have agreed to it. But things change.
You could book an appointment at local college and explore options.
Treat her appropriately her age and keep talking. What was a good fit at 11 sounds like it’s not a good fit at 16.

I don't think your daughter is anything but spoilt and underdeveloped. Underdeveloped teens find silly ways to express themselves and be a bit aggressive to hide their shame at not being good at things they would have liked to have developed about themselves.

I did wonder if she was ND when I read the post. My daughter also had this issue and is ND. I wonder if you could ask the school to consider reasonable adjustments to allow some subtle make up. My daughter was "fortunate" that she went to a specialist school that allowed piercings but I wonder if you could persuade your daughter to get her piercing in the summer holidays then when it is healed after the holidays she could wear a retainer in it to school?

What's stupid is believing that parenting means being a handmaid to your child's every whim.

I wouldn’t have lengthy chats about my own high school experiences and expressions, she’s unlikely to be receptive and I don’t think it changes what are the two basic choices.

She either chooses to stay, and adheres to the dress code, or changes schools 🤷‍♀️.

IMHO, the problem isn't the rules so much as her self esteem. Personally if it was my DD, I'd be working on her self esteem. I would put her into private therapy for adolescents (preferably experienced with ND) and work on what the root cause is of the low self esteem. If you can increase the self esteem, then the makeup 'mask' and lashes becomes easier to forgo for school. It will also filter into other aspects of life as she gets older.

Makes you wonder where she gets her attitude from doesn’t it? 🙄

At our school, failure to follow school rules repeatedly, would mean she was kicked out. Also a private school.

If she doesn’t think rules apply to her, she’s going to struggle in life because she’ll no doubt find some other rules petty. Some rules are petty, but sometimes you have to follow them, or challenge them in way that’s appropriate, not just do what you like and ignore them.

You could try talking to the school and saying about possible PDA and see what their SEN team can do to help, but failing that, it may be that this isn’t the school for her. There are private schools with more relaxed rules which may suit your daughter better if she has PDA, so moving may be the only and/or best option.

Don't be nasty. I'd rather have tattoos and show some kindness than sit and sneer and judge others

How to tell people you’re a decades long pain in the hole without showing us your “I am in pain in the hole” tattoo.

This. The point of private schools is not to pursue a career in academia so much as to receive a much broader (hence more expensive) education than the public purse can fund.

It is pretty pointless to speculate whether defering was the right decision. You cant turn back time.
It would be very difficult to get a school place for Y11 and moving halfway through gcses is going to be less than ideal to say rhe least. If she drops out with no GCSEs things wont be easy. She will probably have to go to college do a level 2 course and sit gcse maths and english. That is going to be a very different environment to her current private school. She really needs to just tone the make up down wait on the piercing for 12 months and start appreciating the educational opportunities she has. However, when your a naive 15 year old sometimes you just push back against everything. Maybe it wont get to the stage of them withdrawing the place in which case she'll just have to get on with the detentions etc.

So a private education is only reserved for academic children who plan to go to Oxbridge then? Parents send their kids to private school for all sorts of reasons and their outcomes are varied. Lots of them go on to own their own businesses like hair salons. My DH went to private school and one of his friends owns a yoghurt company for example! They don’t all end up getting a PhD.

Snobby how? You don’t need an expensive private education if your aspiration is to leave at sixteen and do waxing.

What’s snobby about it?

My children go to state school precisely because we are not snobby and know that it’s not needed for children as bright as they are.

Wow, snobby much? A former school friend of mine owns her own hairdressing/beauty salon and is far richer than me, a PhD holding academic!

Are you in Scotland? I’m just wondering why she was kept back a year when she’s already 16 and it’s only June that’s all. Usually summer babies are kept back a year when they’re born in August, perhaps July at a push.

Also should say on the lip piercing front, I still have the holes to this day. You should warn her of this, then skin doesn’t close up fully. I’m lucky my bottom lip protrudes so it isn’t massively obvious.

At the end of the day, you can't force her to do anything if she's that determined.

I strongly advocate the route of being totally frank with her about what you were like at that age, and why you now wish you'd behaved differently, and exactly what the possible consequences will be if she keeps doing it. Perhaps try and help her find ways to contravene the rules without getting caught, such as a more natural look (I mean, it's a bit of makeup, not exactly high treason) - but be clear that even doing that, she still might get caught and if she does, it'll be fair cop and she'll have to accept any punishment gracefully. And then.... just leave her to it. And I mean really leave her to it. Stop stressing out. Leave her to suffer the consequences at school, whether that's having to go and wash it all off, having to sit out of class or whatever - it's her problem, not yours. And if she gets kicked out then she gets kicked out - if she's intelligent then she'll probably still be able to sit and pass her exams anyway and go to college. I had friends who were very rebellious in year 10/11 but thrived at college where they had more independence and autonomy. At the end of the day, 16 year olds are nearly adults; my grandparents had all been out at work earning money for a year or two by time they were that age, so it's natural that many of them start to feel frustrated with being treated like children. If she's otherwise an intelligent girl with everything else together, then I suspect that if you treat her like an adult, talk to her frankly (including being honest about your own youth) and give her the autonomy, then she'll eventually be alright (even if the path she takes to successful adulthood is a winding one).
On the other hand, if she's that headstrong, then warring with her over it and treating her like a child (grounding, taking her makeup away) will probably push her to greater rebellion.

It seems a bit of a waste, £200,000+ to send her to a private school that she doesn’t like in order for her to leave school at sixteen and work doing people’s waxing.

My DDs school does not police make up or false lashes. Piercing beyond ears must be removed or replaced with a clear stud while healing. I dont think policing teens make up etc. is useful or has any impact on learning or how well they will transition to employment.

However, no school will ever completely match your values or preferences. Other positives may outweigh things you or your child are less keen on. You have said:
*You child is progressing well academically
*They have a good group of friends
*They are ND, but apart from this issue things are broadly ok & the school has provided a supportive envronment
She is 15 and will probably say her preferences are more inportant than any of this & she doesnt care if they kick her out etc etc. Is there an alternative setting without these rules that will provde equivalent support for her to achieve her GCSEs? If so I would consider moving her. If not I would be relentless in explaining I think she should comply as the benefits are more important than her preferences about her appearance. I think the appearance rules arent needed, but i would see the other benefits of the school as outweghing them. Sometimes you have to comply with stuff you dont like in orgnisations. I also wouldnt financially support choices that would jeapodise her school place.

If she wont accept the argument she will have to accept the consequences that may ultimately lead to the place being withdrawn. If you think she is making the wrong choices all you can do is explain that and not offer financial or practical support for them. If it got as far as them considering removing her place, I would be clear I was very disappointed that she was willing to sabbotage her educational opportunities over make up style and piercings during the school day. In the end though you cant make teens do something, all you can do is explain that actions can have consequences rhey may regret.

I agree with you both, and I think it's the core of the problem.

Private schools usually believe that children's self-expression ought to take the form of skills that have been acquired through education: art, singing, instruments, debating, sports, dancing, positions of responsibility. Not through contemporary consumer culture: piercings and make-up.

She might have a part-time job? My nieces that age do Saturdays and evenings at McDonald’s and the pay isn’t too bad.