Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

Do you have a career/job @SkyBlueCloudyLakes ? If you turned up at that job dressed inappropriately would they have something to say about that? Yes, of course they would! so why not equip our children when they are young to understand that sometimes there are rules that might not make a lot of sense but you either follow them or you leave. Following rules has absolutely nothing to do with the rule itself (except the health and safety ones of course but I am talking about fashion or peoples concept of it) Its about teaching your children that shock horror the world actually does not revolve around them the way the family home does. they arent the most important snowflake on the snowman.

why do you think so many kids are struggling with mental health and employment at the moment? could it be because they lack resilience and understanding that sometimes you just have to do stuff you dont want to do and you cant play the "oh this really stresses me out" card every single time?

If I choose to send my child to a school where the rule is that everyone must dye their hair blue, then I either dye their hair blue or send them somewhere else.

The world does not revolve around your child. the sooner they realise this, understand it, get on with it, the better it is all round. or do you want them to grow up not ever sticking at a job or enjoying their life as they should? its honestly so simple, it really is.

My Dad told my sibling that if he had the piercing (quite a big facial one) he wanted at the time that he wouldn't pay fs!)or university. "you can't do that" "try me". the piercing never happened.

We've all been told that any tattoos mean we're out of the will "but it's MY body" "well it's MY money so we'll see how that works out for you". none of us have any tattoos.

Obvs that's a generation ago and you can say what you want.

On a more helpful note, might I suggest a joint meeting with school - so they can see you're on side with this. It sounds really frustrating for you.

One of my school mates used to say that if we were wearing enough makeup for teachers to make a deal out of it, we were probably wearing too much. We'd wear foundation, a coat of mascara and a bit of blush - kept in natural and neutral and we were massive geeks so school didn't care. The girls who came in with loads of heavy eyeliner, lipliner etc (90s) did get told to wash it off.

I don't mean to derail the conversation from OP. And guess the fact that OPs daughter is in private education makes a difference - you know what the rules are before you enter. Unfortunately in English school you are not really given a choice to express yourself and your appearance needs to fit the norm. I find this very sad. It also always baffles me why so many people are willing to let the schools dictate their childrens appearance. I don't mean the uniform but their face and hair. I don't understand why more parents do not have an issue with this huge overstep by schools. Infact it seems to be encouraged. Madness.

Try and stop the money - ask friends and family not to give money at all for Xmas and bday, gifts only.

After that I’d just let her. And let the school deal with it. Let her sit in the detentions and miss prom and whatever else the consequences are.

The school have more options than just detentions or expulsion. They will likely escalate over time though. At our school she would be unlikely to be allowed to her y11 prom, maybe not allowed on school trips (except essential ones) or represent the school in art/sport/public speaking etc. Losing out on Prom was the most effective at our school.

yep thats true and if they arent then the OP needs to either grow a pair and deal with this or home educate.

It's a difficult situation for both you and your daughter. Is there another school she could go to, it's such a a pity as she feels ugly without it, I don't think you should ruin your relationship with your daughter. Is there an alternative education route or what does she want to do if she can't attend school. It would be worth asking her opinion on how to move forward as you want to support her without taking away her future options.

She has another year and GCSEs so school could get arsy.

A lot of state schools might be ok with the makeup (inasmuch as they often ignore that but stress over ties...) but the piercing might not be ok

So if they kick her out now, that's her GCSEs up the creek

Nah, I just realise that teenagers will be teenagers, a lot of them crave individuality and freedom of expression and things like makeup and lashes are not a hill to die on. Unless the lashes are impeding her sight, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to their ability to learn. If it gives her a confidence boost then that’s a great bonus too.

If my makeup, clothes and piercings are acceptable in my workplace, where I hold a very senior level position, my gym etc then there shouldn’t be an issue with a 16 year old wearing something that makes her feel good and more confident.

I have teen DC of my own now who is very alternative as well, and I fully support them. As does the Irish secondary school they attend. English schools seem to have ridiculous, just for the sake of it, rules. And it seems to do absolutely no favours as Irish students have better educational outcomes 🤷‍♀️

But cheers for your snotty remark 😅

this is a private school. they decide the rules. if you want to attend it then you either follow the rules or you leave. its really really simple.

tell her this. tell her that you are going to take her on a tour of the local state schools so she can decide which one she wants to join in September because if she wants to continue to "express herself" then actions have consequences and this is what they are.

you are doing her no favours whatsoever continually pandering to her. she is 16 not 10. she should know this isnt how the world works. FWIW I think the self esteem issue is a smokescreen. it jerks your chain and makes you fall into line and she is manipulating that now. and she is doing it because she can. and she will continue doing it until you start treating her like the adult she is becoming not the child that she was.

every single institution has rules. you attend and you agree to abide by those rules. If she wants to piss on her own chips by continuing this utter nonsense of piercing and false eyelashes then so be it.

and as a parent you need to both toughen up and prepare her for the real world. if she gets a job she will have to do as she is told there as well. the best thing that could happen for her long term if you arent prepared to deal with this is that she gets expelled. she needs to realise that out in the real world, its not her that holds all the power like she does obviously at home.

I would talk to the head of year, or senior leadership and agree that they will call a meeting with her and threaten it. Tell her that if she doesn't shape up, then she will have to find somewhere else to sit her exams.
Whether or not they carry it out, put a rocket up her arse.

Can't stand these little madams who think they are above it all. I have always said as a teacher, once you have finished school, then you can make choices. Not before.

I disagree, I think it depends on the kid, different children respond to different approaches. But personally, when I was 16, my dad went down the route of lengthy, open and honest chats, and I really appreciated them and it made me see that he wasn't just being a dickhead for the sake of it, he was a real, rational human being who actually understood where I was coming from and was just trying to help us, which made me much more inclined to listen to his advice. Whereas my mum's approach (just being strict and laying down the law whilst flat-out denying she had ever done anything wrong) was a complete turn-off for me, but for my sister it was like a red rag to a bull and made her want to break ever more serious rules just to prove that no one could tell her what to do.
Hopefully OP will be able to know what sort of approach her daughter would best respond to.

I was similar at school but as we got to year 10 and 11 the school became less hardline with older students and accepted some makeup. This was before false lashes commonplace but they wouldn't have accepted a lip piercing for health and safety.
At 16 you can't physically prevent her from putting it on and the idea of removing it all from her room etc particularly when she's bought it herself Is ridiculous and likely to lead to further escalation.

You need to think about what you can do or you're prepared to tell her you're willing to do. If she has a good set of friends and is doing well academically then she's not going to want to leave the school and jeopardise her future but the school also aren't going to back down.

.What you could say is this isn't working The school will likely at some point move through the sanctions and potentially expel you. To avoid having that on your record because it can be problematic applying at 6th forms or college depending on what course she wants to do and the numbers applying .
Suggest to her so as this isn't now working that she gets to the end of this academic year and then moves to a different school which might have a different policy. I know you aren't going to do this but I think It's highly unlikely that she's going to want to do this and leave her friends/subjects.
Then you can present it to her as in she either conforms for this period of time or in order to help her do what she wants to do she'll have to move somewhere that will allow it. What's not going to happen is the school going to change their policy for her Maybe with that presented as an option she will rethink.

I would also go into the school and ask what they suggest what's the worst case scenario? Most schools don't want to lose pupils for lots of reasons including financial. This won't be the first time they've dealt with this issue.

Agree a gap year before uni is a great idea I did the same.
But it really doesn't help children like your daughter who are still 15 doing their GCSE exams when their are children like Ops daughter who will be 17 sitting her GCSEs.

Sorry don't know why pervious post quoted your post.

I would have loved to keep DD1 back a year - she has ADHD dsylexia and dyspraxia - so early years at school were really hard on her. Wans't an option then without losing a year of school and going straight into Y1 - I do think it good that's changed

She was very ready though at just 18 for university - us less so - her head of year said she was an old soul. However all my DC despite being summer born were more than ready to be done with the secondary school envrionment at end of Y11 at 15/16 - they all loved the more adult atmosphere of the local regional college.

Well, I thought something like that lay behind it and I'd be far more worried about that than the school issue although I understand you have to deal with it. I'm not sure removing her make up is helpful as you'll end up in a combative relationship with her. Can you negotiate toning it down for school including use of those short, brown and partial eyelashes that the school might not clock as they are very natural looking? There are lots of tutorials on line about the 'clean girl' look. But that would be to keep her onside so that you can explore why she feels this way and try to help her feel more positive. So sad - I'm sure she is a naturally gorgeous, fresh faced 16 year old under her make up.

Well this is easy. Tell her she's starting the local comprehensive in September where the rules are a tad more relaxed.

Many state school are not relaxed about uniform at all - or peiceing or even hair dye and most do not allow makeup.

That's an issue then - when my at 16 got like this I could say it's just a few more weeks do not jeopardise the exams or in case of eldest late August birthday she wasn't even 16 before she was gone from the school.

There's no perfect decision. It was no joke one of mine being the youngest in the year and still only 15 when the last GCSE exam was completed. Then the last to turn 18 at college. They have sensibly taken a year out before uni with no prompting from us. We were worried about them managing but didn't say anything. They clearly realised for themself they weren't ready and will go this year having worked for a year and gained far more in terms of maturity and life skills.

Well this is easy. Tell her she's starting the local comprehensive in September where the rules are a tad more relaxed.

Where is she getting the money from?

She’s in Year 10, should be Year 11 but kept behind a year as she’s a summer baby.

That's an issue then - when my at 16 got like this I could say it's just a few more weeks do not jeopardise the exams or in case of eldest late August birthday she wasn't even 16 before she was gone from the school.

It didn't help enforcement at their school wasn't uniform but as well behaved polite kids they often got picked on for minor infractions while stood next to another kids with much more blanant ones.

I'd try sitting her down and explaining - she needs to follow the rules till next year - while on property becuase getting kicked out durring GCSE will make her life much harder - as will missing lessons. Maybe even try looking at local colleges with no restictions now - so she knows this is temporay situation.

Depends if you’re the sort of person who is constantly checking and reapplying it, or the sort that forgets about it once it’s on.

The more you push back on this the more she’s going to pursue it. Worth pointing out to her it’s a shame she’s choosing to finish school on a bad note when surely she’s not got too much time left to follow the rules but otherwise let her crack on with it. Seems daft to be willing to subject yourself to detentions over some fake lashes but it’s her choice isn’t it 🤷🏻‍♀️