Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

I’d have a meeting with school and tell them that you can’t physically make her comply with this rule, but it’s an important part of her self esteem, she has a talent that she clearly wants to demonstrate. You don’t want them to kick her out and what compromise is there to be had for this final year that protects her mental health and still respects their (fucking pointless) rules.

From what I understand private schools are in financial difficulties so they won’t want to lose you and the results your daughter will bring them.

She’s your daughter in your house, start acting like a parent and pussyfooting around her, how is she going to cope in the real world/workplace if she can’t cope with being told to not wear false eyelashes.

In which case you could just move her to the local comprehensive. Where I teach there are no makeup or eyelashes rules. The girls all have identikit looks: very long hair, heavy makeup, huge false eyelashes, long false nails. The results are good.
Additionally, if she has such low self esteem and other associated problems, then it would be a good idea to pay for counselling for her.
Does she do sport/hobbies, Guides, DofE or anything?

I think she is 16 and old enough to face the consequences of her choices. In effect she has given two fingers to the school and said Rules Are For Others.

They should give her a short suspension for (a) persistently breaking the rules (b) defiance when asked to obey them and (c) pour encourager les autres. They should ask her to make preparations to be expelled. Then they should expel her.
She can be stubborn without the whole school as her audience.

You job isn’t to take away the make-up, it is to say to the school that the need to escalate sharpish.

My daughter is ND and has low self esteem. She also finds school really hard.

we used to have the same issues (it’s better now she has started adhd meds)

essentially she hated walking into school and her hair / nails was her armour. It gave her the confidence to face a day at school. Sanctions meant nothing - she is also awaiting an asd assessment and shows some PDA traits.

she was essentially suspended over the length of her skirt - in her mind the fear of being laughed at for it it being too long outweighed anything the school would do.

i would say key is improving her underlying feelings - if my daughter was asked to remove lashes on a day she was feeling ok she would do it no issue - a bad day she would be in isolation.

she has dyed her her black from blond - I live with that. She wants blue / pink underneath. I refuse that even though she says school are ok with it - I said I would allow if she let me ring school to ask 😂. That said I’ve been pics of a couple of her school friends with very bright hair.

her sister had a septum piercing at the end of Y10 - school never noticed as you can flip them up and she was good at remembering, is that an option instead of something more visible.

What a tiresome child. Where's the individuality in false eyelashes and lip piercings? It's like people who say they want to express their individuality by getting a tattoo, the same as everybody else.

It sounds like DD could use a break from school after GCSEs.

My DD did similar about hair colour back when she was in Y11. It was beautifully written but the Deputy head who she locked horns with, didn’t even respond.
I suppose the lesson is that ultimately they’ve got bigger things to worry about than individual kids’ crusades to be individual. She dyed her hair back begrudgingly and aced her GCSES. The teacher remained unfriendly for the rest of the year unfortunately

You need to sit down with her and tell her the options. Is she willing to risk expulsion over it?
Go to the sixth form college and look round so she can see the alternatives. Or local state school that ost as bothered because they all wear lashes.
I would be telling her you were the same too, and try and figure it out together. Did you fail
all your exams?

Some school rules are ridiculous though. How does make up impact learning?

Would now be a good time to tell her this about you and that you fully understand where she is coming from? Then acknowledge that the school has these rules and sometimes in life we must follow other people's rules or make conscious choices when to challenge them and accept the consequences. And that following rules one thinks are stupid is difficult at any age but this is sometimes life. Then if the consequences are potentially being thrown out of a school she is otherwise very happy in yet she still wants to refuse to follow them she could perhaps present her reasons why she doesn't agree with their rules as a written piece and see if they would be willing to respond with the reasons they have the rules.

This.
You need to make it very very clear to her that the school could, and probably will, expel her if she doesn't conform to their rules.
She'll leave the school no choice really. What makes you think they won't expel her?

Stop funding it. And tell her if she disobeys then she pays the price. I do feel for her though as she’s effectively nearly 17 I wouldnt have been told what I could and couldn’t wear either at that age.
but I suppose that’s the consequence of holding them back a year.

She should be allowed wear makeup and reasonable length eyelashes. I agree with no piercing for health and safety reasons.
It is a horrible age where you feel awkward.
There will be no issue in college.
Id buy her some natural concealer, get tinted eyelashes and eyebrows. 🤷‍♀️ meet in the middle.

She's got a choice - if her individuality is so important to her then she moves to a different school that supports her expressing that in her appearance or she conforms for a couple of years to finish her schooling at her current school.
Regardless of her choice, I'd be looking at supporting her self esteem - a teenager shouldn't feel she needs make-up etc.

My friend had a similar problem with her sons school, they kept contacting her and pressurising her to do something.

in the end she went to the school and said stop harassing me, I'm not ruining my relationship with my son over something you see as an issue.

if you keep right out of it your daughter will have to handle it, and whatever rebelling she’s doing is not against you.

tell her it’s her life and you’ll support her whatever …

I think that can be one of the downsides to holding back a year. My son is August born, and he thrived at school.

I’d take her make up if she’s going to blatantly be rude to staff at school. You’re paying a lot of money for her education. What are your consequences for her not following rules? I’m all for individuality but life is about following rules, whether you’re ND or NT. My teen DD doesn’t wear make up, but she had a thing about skirt length, as did most kids. In the end the school stopped enforcing the rules, but I made sure her clothes weren’t too in breach of the rules. Had there been any calls / emails home i’d have took her shopping and given her a lecture that there are times in life we all need to follow rules.

The school may ask her to leave, so I guess you need to be a bit stricter about it at home, though appreciate it’s difficult to physically make her take make up off etc, but i’d be telling her i’ll he ringing the school to advise I am telling her daily and she is not listening, and advise DD what the consequences could be. It would be hugely disrupting if she has to change schools at this stage. I do get frustrated with teens who think that they can do what they like, and it seems like she is doing exactly that right now. Maybe the school actually doing something about it, such as a temporary exclusion would scare her into compliance.

I was this girl! Creative and artistic, academic, wayward and opposed to authority! I would never remove my makeup, they tried to force me to wear trousers because they didn’t like how I wore my skirt, and in my final year had my lip pierced in a number of places (among many other piercings!) and they threatened to not allow me sit the state exams if I didn’t take them out… I just laughed 😂 Honestly, my mother would walk into that school and back me to the hilt, defend me against all of them in every situation… then absolutely roast me when we got home 🙈😅

And guess what? I went on to get a 1.1 degree in science from one of the best universities in the country, I now earn very well, and have a great relationship with my Mum… and still have the lip piercings! Allow your daughter some individuality, I mean what bloody difference does it make to her ability to learn if she has false eyelashes on? I’m all for rules and discipline, I really am, but schools go too far and completely overstep at times.

I mean, are they really going to exclude her for wearing false eyelashes? Will they forcibly remove them? Will they wash her face clean of makeup? The answer to all those things should be no in any civilised, free society, they just need to get over it.

(The caveat is my experience in the Irish school system, the UK school system seems completely ridiculous to me)

Realistically though the private school won’t change their policy. One of the reasons parents choose private schools is for strict rules and often a more old fashioned approach. If you enrol then you are signing up to abide by their rules.
Depends on school and how much hassle she’s causing them. If it’s an academic school and she’s getting 6s then the make up thing may be a convenient way to get her off their yr11 stats. 100% of our pupils got A (7) or above…
Private schools are businesses. They rely on parents looking at older pupils at open days and on website and thinking that’s exactly what I want for my 10 yr old. Fake lashes and piercings can be perceived as a bit chavy and probably not image school wants to convey.

She can't be that much of a summer baby if she is already 16. There is still very early 1/4 of the cohort tear to go (June,July, August). Trying to be heavy with your daughter will backfire. In so many ways she now has legal autonomy, another thread I read today explained that at 16 parents can no longer access medical records. If she had been in the correct school year she would now be able to get on with planned career with a course at a Sixth form or further education college. It sounds as though she has outgrown the petty rules of the school and that is not by her choice. You chose to hold her back a year. Now you have to accept the consequence of YOUR decision.

I’m fairly certain they won’t. She might get asked to leave for theft, or causing damage to property or something severe, but make up??

they need your money, they’ll turn a blind heavily powdered eye in the long term I’m sure.

It’s time they reviewed their policies. Are they for genuine safeguarding reasons, or “just because”…? Times have moved on and lots of young people like to express themselves through their identity. If it isn’t harming either them or anyone else then there shouldn’t be a problem with it.

I do feel like a huge hypocrite with my DD over this issue as I have 40 plus piercings including many on my face and I’m heavily tattooed. I have allowed her at 10 to get her ears done and at 14 to get both sides of her nose done, but no more facial anything until she’s older. Luckily the school she’s at don’t care about piercings and hair colour. At 16 when she no longer needs your consent there’s not a lot you can do other than let her take the consequences. I do think it’s ridiculous how schools crack down on make up, again, hers doesn’t. The school allow the alternative kids to do their thing as long as they’re attending and engaging with lessons, the hill they choose to die on is with the many severely misbehaving and disruptive kids, there’s even a whole building just for those kids that’s like a mini prison. Sign of the times around here.

No advice sorry. Are you close?

You say shes good otherwise? Maybe this is her big rebellion?

If she was in the correct year she'd nearly have finished wearing uniform, so maybe feels too old for it.