Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

I'm an old-fashioned pearl-clutcher, but I don't think it's practical to stop students wearing make-up in school. How do you define make-up, for a start? And how do you know the student is wearing it (from a teacher's pov)? Yes, in reality it might be obvious, but it's actually quite a difficult thing to police if you're not going to get into very personal and inappropriate areas.

But I think the line should be drawn at false eyelashes and piercings for school. Those are very obvious. Could you perhaps compromise with her - subtle make-up, OK, to boost her self-esteem, but not the appendages of any variety?

I think the Head should speak to her if she's being that defiant, and as pps have said, ask her whether continuing at school after GCSEs is the right choice for her considering she can't accept its rules.

I would say if she's very interested in make up and beauty she could be more creative if she feels completely unable to go to school without makeup and learn to do her lashes and makeup in a natural way for school that's more undetectable but so she still feels confident. I don't think a no make up rule at school is a bad thing at all and hopefully by wearing more toned down make up for a while she will start to appreciate her natural beauty and be more confident. It sounds like she's wearing make up that, while applied nicely, is very "done" and not really representative of her actual looks which is probably feeding into the dysmorphia she has about how she looks where as focusing on skincare and grooming and just generally taking care of herself might help her realise she doesn't need that much. Do you regularly compliment her on her natural appearance? It might help.

Uniforms don’t stop this. There are trends that involve all kinds of things, including items that fall within the uniform dress code, and non-clothing trends. ‘It stops bullying’ is a poor excuse to try to force conformity on teenagers.

Uniform rules are not outdated though. Teenagers still bully each other over a multitude of differences including wealth, taste in clothing, appearance and many other things.

That's a lot of assumptions about what she 'must' be feeling. When I was at school I didn't give a second thought to any of that, I just did the exams as normal with the rest of my class, went to uni when everyone else went. I wasn't counting down the days in a fever, I just followed the pattern I'd always known - I think you overestimate the whole situation.

Things haven't been changed for her at the last minute like from 15-16, she wasn't kept back from year 4 to repeat it - she has followed this path with the year she's in and knows no different.

This. Be the parent. Once she’s earning, she can make decisions.

She has been educated out of year though. Held back is a common way of describing it. They call it redshirting in USA.
Her head must be I could have been out of here if I’d started school as normal. She’ll see other girls perhaps who she knows in real life or on sm off to grown up college in September. If you are wanting to do a practical course it must be frustrating to wait another year.
I saw an interesting bbc article film archive clip this week interviewing kids the year school leaving went from 15 to 16 and they were all very cross about it stopping them getting on with their lives.

She hasn't been 'held back', she just started at a different time and she's in the year she's always been in. She's in not much different a position than someone born on Sept 1st - they, too, will be in a class with kids who are still 14 - but somehow that is never a problem.

It's not a big deal, most countries in the world don't bat an eyelid about it - the UK loves to wring their hands about this issue though. Another thing to be outraged by, it's like a Mumsnet hobby.

Shame as she sounds like a great kid , no drama , no drinking or vaping / smoking .
It is difficult when the school has a strict policy on this and they’re at the age they want to express themselves creatively.
All you can do is let her accept the consequences that she will get detention and also get her to try a very natural no makeup look ( which is tricky to achieve so if she’s good with makeup then that will be easy for her ) I’d advise against the lip piercing saying that has to wait till she’s college age .
My middle daughter’s school was actually quite reasonable on makeup and hair saying no obvious makeup ( think they realised at that age some don’t feel comfortable with their skin so wear foundation/ concealer which can look a bit odd on its own so then the tiniest bit of blush and a lick of mascara was allowed) piercings in ears were allowed and needed to be removed for PE / games .
I don’t remember rules re anything about other piercings but it was years ago .

That's all very well, and I broadly agree.
But ops daughter is a year behind already so it's going to be an enormous gamble for her to pick this battle with a private school, particularly when it doesn't sound like she will get the kind of stellar grades that would make them worry about their league table position

In one years time ops daughter can be in college and can pierce herself till she has more holes than. sieve if she wishes

Imagine where we would be if Emmeline Pankhurst had followed the rules.

We shouldn’t be teaching mindless obedience, we should be encouraging critical thinking. Asking why, challenging out of date or pointless rules is how we progress.

Help her purchase a more natural makeup set, maybe take her to a cosmetics counter to ask them to demonstrate how to create a more natural effect which will pass for ok at school. She just needs to learn subtlety.

Sorry you're right. Just trying to make the point to the other poster who said to phone all the piercing shops to say she doesn't give her consent. 🙂

Actually it's not. There's no legal age apart from intimate piercings.

Actually you make good points and put things in a way I hadn’t considered.

I'm sure your daughters are lovely, which is remarkable since it seems you cannot communicate courteously even as far as this discussion.

I think some key issues here have been lost in the blunt squabble of following the rules or not, the issue isn’t private school or state school or forcing the issue at home and backing up the school. This is a child who had no choice in being held back a year, her age group are now making their own decisions on the next step into their future and she isn’t because she has been held back. This rebellion is about so much more than wearing jewellery or make up to school and it’s very worrying that so many posters seem to have focused in on just that. The only control she has at the moment are these decisions about hair and make up because she isn’t able to make the decisions she should at this age, unless there are severe learning difficulties and she isn’t capable of making these decisions I image she is frustrated. Another poster pointed out she is in a year where some children are still only 14 or have only just turned 15 that’s a big difference at this age. I think you need to talk to her about the next step best for her. If she wants to stay at her current school she’s old enough to follow the rules, but if she would rather do her GCSE’s in a more relaxed school or college she should be able to make that choice.

I would also actively involve her in looking for a new school, which is where she is headed. It might not be a bad thing, depends on much she’s being scaffolded now.

The ASD diagnosis is probably at the heart of this issue, isnt it? She’s likely too socially immature and rigid to appreciate that arguing about dress codes is pointless as they’ll eventually just want her to leave. The school isn’t going to have an epiphanic moment after arguing with her and decide that all facial piercings are suddenly acceptable.

The support she receives may also not be obvious to her, so she doesn’t realise that school life would likely be worse in a school where she doesn’t have it.

I have had my fair share of piercings, most of them gone now, but my children go or have gone to a private school in Aus with very strict uniform guidelines, I like it 🤷‍♀️. They look like school kids and you can’t play school water polo with facial piercings and fake eyelashes. 2 of them have left, one got additional ear piercings the week after her final exams but she hasn’t been stunted emotionally by having to wait till school finished. There’s nothing wrong with delayed gratification, but I do think there needs to be a degree of maturity for a teen to realise that.

I think you gave up any claim to the moral high ground with “they threatened to not allow me sit the state exams if I didn’t take them out… I just laughed 😂”. You don’t get to performatively go “See If I Care” and then act the cry baby when someone calls your bluff.

@AlternateLook

well, a lot of men are misogynistic beasts so I don’t think she’s far wrong tbh

In our Irish secondary school, not private, very strict uniform and compliance policy too. Especially with anything obvious, even coats!

I think that taking away her make-up and access to money is the only way forward.

Leave her some basic make-up items which she will likely get away with at school and point out to her that this lifestyle she has is a privilege.

She might fight back… but you have to try and lay down some clear rules and determine your boundaries.

Kids, even teenagers, can thrive with boundaries. They can feel safe with boundaries. There might be kick-back initially but they are there to keep her safe and benefit her.

I would chose this hill to fight on

You are kidding yourself if you think she is well behaved, she definitely isn’t. Why are you allowing her to break the rules?

If the daughter is disobeying just let the school dish out their punishments.