To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

What about a small, intimate wedding in the church that is meaningful to you, fiancé and grandparents then go old school with a quick pub meal then straight to a short break somewhere- no party or evening do. Then have a party at the wedding venue on another date with pizza van where people eat as and when they want across a few hours, no speeches or all sit down for meal time. Hopefully the sil wont be as interested as attention will only be on bridesmaids for a few hours, and the children and speeches issues become moot.

Good grief this all sounds utterly exhausting.

As the first post said, you need to elope. You don't need all this ludicrous drama.

That's what I was thinking.

Completely agree with this

It’s your (you plus soon to be DH) wedding so pick out the bits that are non negotiable eg grandparents.

Then pick out the things you’d really like eg marry at the same church your grandparents did.

Delete anything you don’t want eg mums speech, dad walking you down the aisle etc.

Work out if you can combine everything ie speak to the vicar and be clear about your wants and desires, see if that is possible eg tiny church wedding with very few guests. If not then choose beautiful/pretty/local/whatever place to marry and sort that. Lots of alternative places to go, National Trust places do it I think.

DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOUR PLANS.

Forget about your deposits you won’t get back. You’ll occasionally think ‘oh that’s a shame about the money’ but you’ll spend more time saying ‘wasn’t it wonderful? Did you see my granny’s smile? Wasn’t the vicar lovely?’ etc.

FWIW, I knew that my dad would have difficulty with a speech, so I told him that my eldest cousin had mentioned that her dad had just thanked everyone for coming.

At the wedding, my dad just said "My friends, thank you all for coming." Then "Weary and DH!" raised glass

Dad had other men coming up to him afterwards, telling him that it was the best Father of the Bride speech they'd ever heard.

Good for you! And congrats on the upcoming wedding op. ❤️

This is why we eloped. It was so much cheaper too.

Why not move the church date forward and take your grandparents and someone who is important to the groom. Get married as you want. Go and have a lovely quiet meal or whatever you want.
Then use the venue for a party on the original day.

Could you just have a small ceremony with your grandparents and fiancé's parents and any other close friends/relatives that you are both fond of? And forget about trying to keep all the awkward folk sweet?
But whatever you decide, it's your wedding, so you do it your way.

Have the wedding you want because (hopefully) you will only do it once! If you don't you will feel resentful. If other people are upset with your choices they don't have to come, and that might actually be a good thing. Be calm, polite and consistent. Just keep repeating "This is what we want".

1. Just say no
2. Just say no… why do you care? She didn’t care about you. Why even waste time thinking about it!
3. Have your grandad do it then
4. sounds like the easy way to not have your dad there and no need to worry about number 3
5. she’ll get over it.
6. Its your choice but don’t expect the people with kids to come they may not have a babysitter

I can understand your mum being annoyed that FOB gives a speech and MOB doesn't, traditionally, as it seems sexist, but then, if MOB does, why not MOG and FOG and what if there's lots of step parents?
But the point is that it's your choice, and your groom's. No one else. As long as he's in agreement, it's up to you. SIL has a cheek-there's never a guarantee with a wedding anyway!

Reading this made me so glad I eloped.

Great idea!!

Be brave @chilibandit… it will be uncomfortable but you’ll feel liberated. Sounds like your grandparents are very important to you.. I’d make it clear to them by the roles you choose for them on the day.

Give the venue a list of speakers, make it crystal clear there are to be no surprises. Tell your dad's partner she can't drink, she won't come, neither will he, grandad gets to walk you down the aisle and no drunk stepmum, problem solved.

SIL isn't a bridesmaid, end of discussion. Ask one of the bridesmaids to order grandma some fish and chips on just eat (she's bu but it's an easy fix). Wedding is kid free, people who don't want to attend are free not to.

Thank you and goodnight!

The only things I regret from our wedding are things where I was told I 'had' to do something neither of us were bothered about. We scrapped loads of the main traditions, didn't even have the order of the day that most people go for. We started with the drinks reception, we were both there to greet the guests, didn't bother with the 'keeping the bride hidden' thing. Had some speeches before the ceremony and some after. Noone walked anyone anywhere, DH and I went to meet the registrars for the chat and then danced down the aisle together to do the vows. Didn't have a cake, wasn't fussed about a first dance but gave in in the end. You can take and leave any parts you like including speeches.

Think if you're organising and paying for it then what you say goes. If they don't like it then they don't have to come 🤷🏼‍♀️

You’ve just reminded me of so much of my wedding stress ten years ago that I blocked out! We too had some troublesome family members and odd requests that made me feel sick when I thought about them. So many ‘what if this happens’ raised by those who really should be making the day easier for us.

If it helps my alcoholic FIL came and drunk himself stupid. All he did was stand up to give a speech, cry and sit back down so he just made an arse of himself without being too much of a spectacle.

It’s such a shame we can’t choose our family members but I’m so pleased you have your grandparents. I wish just one of mine at least could have been alive for my wedding. Very best wishes for a happy day, I hope you can try and focus on the happiness of it all on the day.

You have an expectations issue here.

You do deserve better. But the reality is you KNOW these people are awful. So you KNOW you won’t get better. Therefore what are your expectations are being built on?

I know you hope somehow some way you’ll be able to do something that will change their behaviour or allow you to have a good day, but that isn’t a reality IF you keep your expectations resting on a hopeful, imaginary version of these people.

You need to either adjust your expectations to reality - when they’re pricks it won’t hurt as much because you had no illusions. It might even amuse you.

or you need to be tough and get married quietly with your grandparents. (Even do it first the week or month before with just them only and do a fake wedding if that helps).

Honestly I know how it sucks because it’s futile to stand up to them because they’ll just turn on you and make you the bad guy. But that means you either cut them off/out and deal with that or you just take a step back, accept reality and maybe even find it amusing. Think of them as characters in a sitcom.

Remember this is meant to be the best day of your life.
My mum never came to my wedding but ultimately it was her choice and I didn't put my foot down as such.
Put a stop to all these decisions before your big day. You need full control now as on the day you won't have time or energy. Believe me it will fly by.
I'm divorced now but I stupidly let my now ex mother in law have a big say in our wedding regarding guests etc etc and it did nothing other than lead to massive debts for years after the wedding. Don't make my mistake. Its your day you control it.

What a palaver! Why bother with the expense and so much hassle? It doesn't sound as if whatever decisions you end up making, that your day is going to be memorable in a good way. If I were you, I'd just have a registry marriage and go on a nice foreign holiday with your DH.

I haven’t read your whole thread OP, so I apologise if I’ve missed relevant bits. I had a similar situation with people with their own opinions. The critical thing that got us through was the people I’ll refer to as our “tried and tested.” The venue was informed who was doing speeches. No compromise. No surprises. Anyone suggesting anything of the kind was referred to the best man - a huge rugby playing bloke with very clear instructions who was far more frightened of me than anyone else 😉. Bridesmaids - my cousin is effectively my sister. My sister? There’s an invite and that’s it. Don’t like it? Don’t come. If you come and cause issues, that same cousin was briefed on how to deal with it. MiL pulled a stunt of not coming down for the evening so as she “didn’t feel well.” Not a problem, maid of honour was briefed so when she came out with this MoH went to her room, made sure she was okay and we were none the wiser. Build your team around you now OP. This is your day, your rules. Anyone not playing by them can leave

Say no and if people get offended and flounce off then let them get on with it. Ensure that best man and maid of honour/ bridesmaids no your dm is not to do a speech.