To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

Yes, that's right! Make YOUR wedding day, the day your new life starts with DH AND the day that marks the start of you taking charge of it fully.

put your Grandparents at the head of it, put your 'parents' in their respective boxes (NO speeches & they will be escorted out yf tgey attempt to do one) & empower both your & his BF's to deal with anyone stepping out of line.

YOU decide whether you'd rather have your father there & risk his wife's bad behaviour or tell your father she is NOT invited & whether he comes or not is up to him. Or you could invite them both to the ceremony only.

Children: do what YOU want. It's great they enjoy a party. Their parents are free to host as many parties as they like 🤣 it's not your job!

SIK: I'd be at the 'oh do shut the fuck up, I've told you NO' stage by now. Just tell her you don't want her in your important photos anymore than she wanted you in hers.

my SIL didn't want me either (I was pleased!!) but she 'offered' to allow me to do a reading' oh how I laughed as I said 'No thank you' the look on her face as I didn't fall at her feet in gratitude🤣🙄🙄

Do what you two want 💕🌷

Omg, I too have a nightmare family so thank you for posting this!

One of the reasons we have postponed for many years. We thought we would elope instead but never booked it. We thought we would have a registry and a meal but never booked it.

I think it’s because deep down neither of us were happy with those options.

Well actually I am not sure about that. There was a time when I think we were both happy with the idea of eloping but didn’t get round to organising it. Since then my family tried to ruin my sisters wedding - well actually tried to make out like my partner and I was trying to ruin her wedding. It was bizarre. A complete head fuck.

Anyway then it felt like we had to elope. And Eloping doesn’t feel so fun and freeing when it feels like a forced choice because your family won’t allow you to have a normal wedding. So I don’t know if that’s how you feel but it’s how I feel.

So anyway now we are looking at doing the big wedding again. We are just about to sign with the venue. I don’t give two shits about what people want the wedding to be like. It’s going to be our way. No speeches, no being walking down the aisle, no bridesmaids. It’s going to be completely about our family we have made (DP and I and our two children), and a celebration of that. If people kick off then they are just making themselves look like fools and it’s a reflection on them. They will be removed swiftly.

Def Just have grandad rather than him and parents. The ones that were pivotal in your life get that honour, that honour isnt just given because they happen to be your parents.

Feel compelled to comment after reading your first post containing the long list of other people trying to influence YOUR day and putting themselves before you and your wishes.

I'd say this is what we're doing. It's non negotiable. We'd love you to be there but understand if you can't make it.

I know lots of the list has been addressed but your nan could have a packed lunch, and, don't give in on the kids!! It completely changes the atmosphere. Each to their own but you are not obliged to accommodate them, especially when you aren't close. Don't let people make you feel bad. Just stand firm and say sorry you feel that way but it's a big day for us and these are our wishes. If you can't respect them, we understand if you can't come. Rinse and repeat. Good luck OP!

This is perfect. And you could still get married in the church.

Gorgeous dress!

I would just say to them you are going with a “non
traditional wedding” I’ve adapted from a PP but please do these.

1. No parents to give a speech: “mum, no one is giving a speech.” Get one of your BMs to be on mum watch. Your dad doesn’t do one either. It’s not mandatory!!! You could just do a very quick “thanks for coming and thanks to my family and in laws for their support (secret lol)”
2. Future SIL “sorry I’ve chosen my bridesmaids but we would love you to do a reading”
3. Grandad: “it’ll mean so much to him. And I want it. End of.” No mum or dad walking you up the aisle!!!
4. Nan: “sorry the food is set. And feel free to leave before the food if it’s an issue”
5. Dad’s partner: “She’s welcome dad, but if she kicks off <insert male> will take her and you out.”

no kids if you don’t want them!! Tell them all I said to hump off.

Your day - your rules!

And if people filter out because of your rules then so be it - save on food costs and know who’s important moving on in life.

Nothing looks unreasonable.

So what if it's "traditional"? Your wedding, your rules! No speeches from either parent.

I'm guessing from the sheer number of people who are trying to walk all over you that you are in general a bit of a People Pleaser. This is no criticism of you OP; adults who have ended up as People Pleasers have generally had the sort of childhood where the adults around them have made their life very difficult, and as children they have tried please those adults to keep them from being aggressive / sulking / downright nasty.

Unfortunately some people take your trying to please everyone around you as permission to push you around - that's why you should be aware you have this tendency, and practice saying NO to them. And whenever they ask for something (or, I suspect, try to paint you into a corner to force you to agree to their unreasonable demands), your default answer should be NO before you even consider what they're even asking of you.

So, the wedding and the people trying to push you around -

I would consider not having either your mum or your dad there. You would "like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party"? Disinvite them. Seriously. They sound like a pair of total wankers and instead of being able to let your hair down you will be on tenterhooks waiting for one or both to embarrass the hell out of you; so I would consider heading that off at the pass by telling them that they've given you so much trouble in the run-up to the wedding that they are disinvited. That takes care of your dad's wife too, she can sit and drink herself insensible at home.

Of course you have your grandfather walk you down the aisle. And if you really must have a speech, he could do that too.

Tel your SIL she's being ridiculous. She can come as a guest or not at all.

And of course, tough shit if someone's kids love a party - they can throw a party for them themselves. This is YOUR party and you control the guest list and they are NOT invited. If that's a problem for the parents, you will absolutely understand if that means they can't come either.

Time to practice your deathstare. The one that means you don't have to verbalise 'fuck off', your face does all the work for you.

Also, I went to a wedding recently with a pizza van and it took AGES for everyone to get food (around 40 guests), because of having to wait, people were not eating their dinners at the tables at the same time, basically everyone just ate on their own, while waiting for others to come back in from outside.

Depending on the size of the wedding, I'd rethink that part to be honest, it was lovely tasting pizza but the waiting times made the whole thing really awkward.

Sounds like whack-a-mole. 5 of your close family plus child parents are “kicking off” already- I’d elope and take grandparents to be witnesses. The rest sound like an ungrateful bunch.
use the MN phrase “it’s an invite not an order, you don’t have to come if you don’t like my plans” - for every moan or flounce
good luck

I don't think you are capable of putting your foot down and even if you were you would still feel guilty and everyone would complain. The best thing to do would be to cut your costs and book the registry office before the date planned for the wedding, get the wedding done with granddad there, go off on your honeymoon and then tell everyone the original plan is off. Maybe you can have a church blessing when all the fuss has died down. If you go ahead with the plan as it is it will end up as a toxic nightmare by the sounds of it with everyone wanting their version of your wedding and you being too much of a mouse not to be able to say no to all their demands. Sorry.

You seem to be leaning very much into a traditional format, but you don't have a traditional family setup.. it could cause big problems.

My BIL and his wife had a 'traditional' type wedding, they spent a lot of money and were led by what other people thought they should do, but many parts of it turned into a bit of a farce, no one knew what was happening most of the day, the food choices were not very nice or well organised, the speeches were awkward and quite unkind in places, it all just felt so 'off' to be honest although I've never mentioned anything.

When we decided to get married we didn't do anything that may make people feel they had to perform (including us), so no speeches, no first dance bullshit, no bridesmaids/MOH or best man, we got ready together, we did most of our photos first while arriving guests had food and drink, then we walked down the aisle together with our DD as flower girl, went for a meal where everyone pre-chose their own food and drinks, had entertainment to keep everyone busy throughout the day, then had a big catered party in the evening, it was low key and was exactly what we wanted.

If you are including things for the sake of it (father speech!!, SIL as bridesmaid!!) and worried about anything then you will not enjoy your day, it will be a day full of anxiety and nerves about who is going to fuck it up, and it sounds like certain people can't wait to cause aggro, so remove anything that may cause conflict and just scale it right back to what makes you happy, not what you think you should do, you need to carefully plan it all in advance and be very clear about what is happening, you need to designate people on the day to make sure things run smoothly and try and anticipate where the problems will come from.

As everyone else has said, it's your wedding. Therefore your rules apply.
I've been to a few weddings of late where there were things that somehow got people's backs up.
Most recent one didn't have alcohol as it was at a wellness retreat. Quite a few people complained as they felt the need to have a drink. I should point out that the drinks were all paid for by the couple.
Then there was the one where they asked people not to take photos and share on social media until a week later, when they would get their official photos back. Again, complaints.
Before that, there was the one where the divorced parents of one of the couple insisted on each making a speech. Instead of it being about how happy they were for their child, they were predominantly about themselves. Then the stepparent of one of the newlyweds got horribly drunk and flashed his arse at a group of people including a young child. In this case, the married couple had given in to pressure from the relevant people about allowing them to do their own (requested) thing.
Oh, and before that, was the wedding where there were limited tables and the couple didn't have a formal seating plan - it was mixed groups of the bride's and groom's family on each. For some reason the one of the couple's relatives took offence at where they were seated as they thought they should have been at the 'top table' (there wasn't one), and stormed out of the reception, abandoning an elderly aunt that they'd brough with them. The BIL of the new bride ended up escorting elderly aunt home - some 150 miles away.

So, in light of that, do what you want because people will complain anyway.

Really feel for you dealing with all this. You could use this as a great opportunity to challenge your former people-pleasing behaviour! Here’s what i would do.

1. Mum speech. “That’s so nice you want to do a speech, thank you for the offer. You giving a speech won’t be possible but I’d love you to email me anything you want to write for me to keep and treasure.”
2. SIL. The “hints” are helping no one. Tell her; “My bridesmaids are going to be x, y and z. My close friends and cousin, similar to what you had at yours.”
3. grandad. He sounds like a legend and deserves to walk you down the aisle, alone. Without question.
4. alcoholic step mum. Sounds like her not being invited due to her refusal not to drink could be the wake up call she needs and if it causes a rift, it won’t be your loss. Bonus if it means your dad doesn’t attend the wedding either, by the sounds of it!
5. Kids. Don’t invite them if you don’t want them, you will resent it if you do. Why are you trying to appease parents of 4-8 year olds, none of whom clearly give a shit about you?

let us know what you end up doing! And good luck.

I'd elope. Have the party later.

What a crew !

Your wedding, you and fiancé, your rules.
No speeches at all, much relief all round. Have a book where everyone can write their messages to you. As the venue to not have microphones available.
You ask your grandfather to walk you down the aisle.
You just keep repeating that there will be no children invited or at the wedding.
You assign a person each to mother and stepmother and give them license to kill.
You pick the menu.
Circulate to both families a note of arrangements for the day, covering all of the above. Stress that you will not be changing anything. People are free to decide not to come but you hope that as your close family they will respect your wishes.

OP, I’m not entirely sure why you even want your father to be at your wedding, much less making a speech - you say, “my dad is offended that I don’t want him [to walk me down the aisle] even though he barely knows me”, and then you go on to say that he will bring his alcoholic partner who will drink and make a scene. Would it not be simpler not to invite him, then your grandfather can walk you down the aisle and make a speech, your mother won’t need to make a speech because your father won’t be making one, and you get rid of some of the problems surrounding your wedding. As far as SIL is concerned, just tell her that you’re only having three bridesmaids - and get your fiancé to speak to his brother to let him know this constant badgering from her is upsetting you.
As far as a child-free wedding is concerned, that’s a hard one if the DC are nephews and nieces of either the bride or groom - but if they’re not, then don’t invite them. It’s your wedding, OP. I think you need to have a discussion with your fiancé and present a united front when you have agreed on what to do.

You have such a list because you have so many inappropriate family members that want their way or are going to make a scene something's bound to go wrong.

Elope or have a small wedding with your grandparents only.

Tbh, I don't think you're going to get the wedding that you want. You can put your foot down and insist on what you want but you're dealing with a difficult group of people. Any one of them could ruin a wedding but all of them together with their noses out of joint sounds like a recipe for disaster with you in tears on the day. You need a more realistic plan B. Either find some compromises and work with who you've got (if you want them there) or don't invite any of them. Your biggest problem is the active alcoholic. That's not someone you can reason with.

As usual: first post nails it. Save your money and spend it on an amazing honeymoon. Hope it all goes well whatever you decide.

Go to the registry office and then spend the money you would have spent on your wedding on a cracking honeymoon.
Seriously, why pay to be stressed.

My mum/ family was like this coming up to my wedding. I wish I had eloped. I was thoroughly exhausted and a bag of nerves the day of my wedding. The photos aren’t lying. My advice - elope!

Hi @chilibandit , congratulations on your engagement, and on choosing a stunning dress!

I think you need to forget traditions , and do what feels right for you and your fiance.

It sounds like your GPs are wonderful people, and played a huge part in making you the wonderful woman you are today.
So have them front and centre at your wedding.
They could both walk you down the aisle!
But definitely have Grandad do it, maybe GM too.

Grandad gives a speech, also your MoH and the groom. No-one else.
If anyone else tries, groom's 6'5" BF takes the mike away and asks them to sit down.
Tell your mum now that neither she nor your dad will be giving speeches, and explain what will happen if she tries. If that's hard for you to do, ask your fiance to tell her.

Do not invite alcoholic SM.
If that means your F doesn't come, will you miss him? I don't think so. It sounds like one less potential troublemaker on the day - bonus.

Stop hinting to SiL and tell her that, just like she did, you have chosen your closest girlfriends to be your bridesmaids. If that's awkward for you to do, your fiance tells her.

Someone is given the task of bringing something for fiancé's Nan to eat.
Pizza van sounds great btw.

Do not worry about upsetting fiancé's cousins (you've only seen them twice and rarely will in the future) and especially not their children - you and fiance are having a child-free wedding, so they either arrange childcare or they don't come.
If they turn up with the kids on the day (that would be CF-ery of the highest order), the 6'5" friend politely but firmly turns them away.

In short, tell everyone who needs to know NOW what you and your fiance have chosen for YOUR wedding.
Anyone queries anything, repeat 'this is what we have chosen for OUR wedding', and don't enter into any further discussions.
Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I hope you have the most wonderful day!

Guest list:
Your grandparents
Your 2 best friends and 1 cousin, plus their partners.
Your Fiancé gets to nominate a similar number of people from his side, but only those who aren't being awkward.
Just don't invite the people who are a PITA. You do not need them to be there.

As soon as you have to start managing the adults/parents in your life like children, it's time to say goodbye or have very very strong boundaries to protect yourself. They will give you nothing back, they can't, they are emotionally immature / fucked.

Please put yourself first for your lovely day. 💪