To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

Have a secret wedding, registry office with your grandparents as witnesses. Then have an evening party at the local pub/social club where everyone is invited.

Honestly OP this. Make the rules, stick to them, let this wedding be the new start you need. Funnily enough I've had that takeaway sitting outside situation!! So I get you. My family are similar. It took me years but in the end I made solid boundaries and went extremely LC with the whole lot of them and stopped giving a shit if they were offended.

Walk down the aisle with your grandpa, have only the brisesmaids you want, serve the food you like, block your mums potential speech, tell your dad he can come alone. If he decides to miss your day so his alkie wife can get pissed well thats on him isnt it.

My exact thoughts! Take your two best friends and cousin with you if they can be sworn to secrecy!

Speak to the wedding coordinator to express concern about people wanting to make speeches when they have not been asked and tell them it’s an absolute no so that no “surprise” can be announced. They will have seen it all over the years and so getting them on board with cutting your mum (and dad, as I don’t see why he is giving a speech in the circumstances you described) off at the pass.

OP I started setting boundaries with my family over 20 years ago to protect my DC. They cut me off. Although it really hurt at the time it was the best thing that happened. I’ve brought my DC up with my lovely DH in a loving household completely different to what I experienced.

Time to put on your big girl pants OP and tell them all that is it yours and fiancés wedding and ‘this is how it’s going to be’! No ifs…..no buts…..and should YOUR plans not suit them they can stay away!

Eloping would have been an ideal solution but I do realise that would hurt your grandparents feelings and I understand it’s not an optional choice for you but this is your wedding day and people should respect that. No one wants a drunken relative making a show, people should not assume a role regardless of tradition, and it is certainly not an opportunity for people to score points or claim oneupmanship either!

Your wedding….your day! And the dress is beautiful! Have a wonderful day and a happy marriage! 💐🍾🥂

Bugger eloping. Why should you give up on your wedding to avoid offending others? Have the party of your dreams and have fun planning and holding it. This is not about sticking it to anyone, it’s about you being entitled to the wedding you want.

Say no to all of it.
Have the 6’5” athlete escort your dad’s wife out if she kicks off. He is of course free to go with her.
Your fiancé’s nan can bring a lunchbox.

Hints to DSIL sound like a lot of work. Have one stock phrase to give in reply to her questions to tell her you’ve got bridesmaids under control. Repeat exactly the same thing every time she mentions it. If she probes for further details be vague, say you’ve got it covered and TBC.

Why don’t you have a small ceremony just the two of you with your grandparents? Then go for a meal.
Tell everyone afterwards.
You could have a party if you wanted to later on , maybe on your anniversary?

Have the wedding but don’t invite any family other than your grandparents.

You really need to be assertive and tell them as it is. People pleasing doesn't get you anywhere. Stand up for yourself.

Elope or just do friends only

You’ve got two choices. Either elope and get married in peace or have your big wedding and be on edge all day because someone is going to spoil it.

If I were you I’d be sitting down with your grandparents and explaining to them everything you have said here, they would want you to be happy over everything and it doesn’t sound like you are going to be with all of these issues.

I second this as I was going to say you should do
this exactly. You could include your parents though.

Far less drama and stress and closer to what you actually want without having to fight people, and upset your parents.

Arranging something your gran can eat should be easy.

There’s always the one drunk at a family party - I have no advice for you, only solidarity. But it’s down to your father to make sure she doesn’t make a scene else they leave.

For your SIL your fiancée needs to give her a hint. Who actually likes wedding speeches? Why not walk down the aisle with your fiancée?

I can understand why your parents want to be included, and why it would be hurtful to them.

It’s your day though. Do you both TRULY care about all the traditions? I PROMISE You can skip or omit whatever you don’t like.

There are multiple ways to include family in the event.

If I were getting married I would make sure it wasn’t traditional and do only the things we actually like.

No high heels for me; no walking down the aisle with everyone looking at us. Photos with fiancée before the very short ceremony. No walking down an aisle of any sort, nor mandatory slow dancing and no conga lines. Cut and serve cake straight after vows (because it never gets eaten). A magical ethereal winter wedding or spring wedding?

Children would be included & outside childcare included. I love to see children dancing and the innocence and joy they bring to festivities. Or the funny things they say and do which remind people to laugh.

Dancing? if it happened it wouldn’t be all night with all night drinking. Personally I hate dancing after a big meal. And a wedding doesn’t have to be a piss up.

No idea what I would do in the in between bar some lovely food - long tables. Maybe people would toast & say some kinds words. I would quite like a live folksy singer with a guitar actually, maybe a steel drum band performance too! Dancing would be okay here.

People can go back to their rooms and chill for a bit, so we can all have a break from peopling.

Close friends and family change into loungewear and watch a movie on a projector with comfy seating and cushions. Or another activity tbd. Popcorn, snacks, maybe some food trucks.

Morning brunch with nearest & dearest.

Wow, with all that going on - why bother... go and do something small somewhere fun.

But obviously if that isn't appealing then personally I would:

Say yes to your mum's speech.. a small concession and why wouldn't she be able to give one if your absent father can?

Say no to the bridesmaid

Find something for the grandparent to eat - they are old, it happens, but delegate this job to someone else in the bridal party, and let them solve it.

Grandad + mum walk you down the isle. everyone is happy...

Don't exclude your dad's wife, have a chat with them both, and again, maybe delegate someone trustworthy who knows them to keep an eye on her..

No comment on keeping it kid free, as I personally never agree with this one.

Buy SIL and Nan special floral corsages and ask SIL to heat and serve premade hot food to Nan.

These problems don't seem too bad.
All large weddings have considerations like these. Findings solutions while being direct, polite and having the wedding you want can be tricky.

Give your mum a poem to read. That might shut her up!

Stick to your guns about most things ...

Fine to leave distant relative children off list. Not fine to leave out nephews, nieces, cousins or siblings.

Perfect to have Grandad walk you down the aisle - tell Mum that it's him or your father.

Prepare special meals for Granny (treat her like she has allergies or special requirements). Caterers can heat in microwave and single her out along with any other guest with dietry requirements.

Step - mother is invited provided she doesn't drink. Hire a removalist for them both (inform Dad of that) should she kick off.

Ask mother to say Grace of your choice. And that she has one minute. She can incorporate a nice sentence or two and end with the Grace. Or allow her to have a speech to greet everyone. Set a time limit for everyone's speeches.

Give future SIL special but behind the scenes tasks. (spraying perfume on pew sheets, table flowers, minding bouquet's during photos, keeping bridesmaids well hydrated, painting their nails, carrying an emergency time sheet for the MC, carrying a first aid kit and sewing kit, writing a list of music ) Remind her that the bridesmaids have been chosen. Allow her to sit near her fiance.

Go to the registry office with two witnesses as I did and then tell the family you are married. Saves a lot of hassle - any money.

Me too!

OMG 😂😂. After I finished reading OP's post 'I'd just elope' was the first thing out of my mouth. And then I read your comment. I don't know why I've found that so funny that I've felt a need to share. But. Here we are. 😂

Thank you ☺️

The simple answer to all these people is
"It's our wedding, not yours. Our wishes are paramount, yours are irrelevant"

I hope you have an amazing day too 💕🥰