To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

You've got some real chaotic characters in your family, and im assuming youre younger than me, so ill give you some advice.

Getting married can be a rebirth, you will wake up the next morning, with a brand new name- of the man who chose you, and you chose him.
Use the wedding as a line in the sand to remove yourself from the people who do not choose to support you.
Anyone who can't put aside their ego, or put you first on what's supposed to be the "best day" of your life sets the tone for your relationship with them moving on.

Your day, your choices.

That’s a load of toxic stuff.

It’s your wedding, your special day, not a family gathering where everyone is equally important. You have the right to plan your special day just like you dreamt of it.

Hold your boundaries and don’t give in

This.

You need someone for the day to be the wedding planner or wedding coordinator who can manage everyone on the day. And reinforce all your rules. It’s difficult vouching for yourself but they could support you in what you want.

I would cancel your dad's speech (maybe ask your bridesmaid or grandad to do one instead), have your grandad walk you down the isle. Stick to your choice of bridesmaids, include children as it sounds like they'll be the best behaved guests

Elope with your grandparents then!

So elope with your grandparents! Do a registry office with just them and the people that you REALLY want there, announce afterwards and then have a big party with everyone, rather than a ‘wedding’.

If there is a fallout, so be it. Your parents don’t sound like they deserve to be there frankly and you shouldn’t feel obligated to cater to their narcissism and alcoholism. It might give them a wake up call, and the opportunity to really reflect on the repair they need to make to have a good relationship with you.

This is about you, your marriage and having a day that makes you happy. I regretted deeply having/doing things at our wedding that we were railroaded into to please others and it still makes me angry 20 years later.

If you don’t feel comfortable/able to control all these things, turn it into a game with you and your fiance and your closest team. Have little bingo cards with things on there like “mum attempts to make a speech”, “dad’s wife starts a fight”, “cousin X brings an uninvited child”. At least then you can laugh at all their batshittery. You’d almost be willing one of them to kick off so you can tick the last thing off your list.

Any way you could have a quiet wedding with just them? Or just explain everything to them like you've told us and they will understand. Just don't open yourself up to all this crap. Someone will spoil your day.

First Post nails it. Seriously, OP - just take 2 friends to the register office and tell everyone after.

Any "wedding" in the circumstances is a recipe for disaster.

Haven’t read all the replies, OP, but given what you’ve said, I would:

1. Have the ceremony in the church you want to, with your grandad walking you down the aisle.
2. Go out for a lovely meal / afternoon tea with a select few
3. Have an evening ‘do’ for everyone else (perhaps with a kids area to get rid of most of them for most of the time?)
4. No speeches. Photos at the church / tea so they can be selective.
5. SOD EVERYONE’S OPINIONS BUT YOU AND YOUR FIANCE - it is your day and no one should make you feel like shit for wanting what you want!

Were we at the same wedding?!

Maybe the pizza van thing is a new trend, but when they can only cook one or two pizzas at a time, they seem a really odd choice for an event with lots of guests.

I was going to ask the same question. FWIW, my dad didn’t do a speech as I hadn’t really seen him much for years. However, I did love him and was very happy to have him walk me down the aisle. If I were you, I would just have neither of your parents do a speech. Explain it would all just get too long otherwise and it’s only fair to both parents if neither does one!

You get your grandad to walk you down the aisle and do the speech. That’s it, no parents involved at all. You can’t just have pizza for catering, I actually agree with the Nan. Even if you just do a tray of sandwiches and sausage rolls for the fussy ones, you need to offer something else. You tell the wannabe bridesmaid the exact same as she told you. You tell your dad that if his wife starts drinking and creates a scene, security have been instructed to remove her IMMEDIATELY, him too if he starts. You get to choose child free or not. If people don’t like it, tell them they are not being forced to attend. Be clear that you will have security in the door and people WILL be removed/refused entry if they break the rules.

unfortunately this is the price you pay for People pleasing. I used to do it myself all the time but then I had therapy and got shit hot super firm boundaries and now I can organise anything and still invite my mother and her dh safe in the knowledge that they will accept the invite but won’t turn up to “punish” me. Every time I send them a message saying SO sorry you couldn’t make it 🙁 and they silently gloat and double down on not attending the next one. Works a treat.

Just have a lovely wedding with your friends (and partner's family), and don't invite any of your own family, except grandparents. Don't tell the others the date or location.

1. Neither mum or dad do a speech, ask grandad or a close friend.
2. tell SIL no she is not being a bridesmaid
3. Ask grandad to walk you down the aisle
4. sounds like you would be better off without them at the wedding and without them in your life in general.
5. i would provide something for an older guest to eat if she doesn’t like pizza. It’s relatively easy to fix and one less thing to worry about.
6. your choice but it does piss a lot of people off, if it is only a couple of kids I would be inclined to invite them m.

Your wedding your rules, you just need to be firm and if that means upsetting people well sobeit - other people don’t get to dictate your day. I eloped overseas, my mother is an alcoholic who had ruined other people’s weddings and my sons christening so I wasn’t going to risk that, and I didn’t like many of my in-laws so we took our very young children abroad and we got married - we told everyone afterwards.

Please don't give in to these demands. Remember it is your wedding, nothing has to be 'traditional, you can do whatever you like and those kicking up a stink are welcome to not attend. These threads make me so glad we went to Vegas

I got married in September. I told my dad I didn’t want him to walk me down the aisle so he didn’t attend. Other people who wanted to be bridesmaids I told them I was only having family plus a best friend and shut it down. Food who cares it’s your wedding order what you want and they will get over it. Warn the venue prior that absolutely no one but you and your future husband get to share the speeches itinerary that’s what we did. It seems stressful now but you won’t care about all these issues on the day!

We had a few tricky guests as well, OP (our parents).

My advice - as you're marrying in Church, can you utilise them? In our situation my family aren't religious and his are, and we had a church wedding. The deacon was brilliant, we told him everything and at the rehearsal he put the fear of God into them a bit. I've never seen my atheist parents so much like primary school kids being told off.

Secondly, if you can, hire a Toastmaster. Ours was brilliant, he was on the alert for any issues and made a fuss of certain guests etc. He also had that air of authority for the reception which helped keep people behaving.

Thirdly, are there relatives who can tell troublesome guests to behave? Quite a few people did that with my mum, including my teenage niece and that helped as she knew they would remove her if she got drunk or kicked off.

We considered eloping but went ahead and I'm so glad we did so I hope you have the same positive experience. Oh, and your dress is beautiful - do a simple, classic veil for ceremony and then you get two gorgeous looks in one as you can remove it for the reception!

You’re a grown woman about to be married Op. Time to brace yourself and say No, No, No. Tell people what you are doing. If they are upset that’s for them to handle.

No mums speech, it’s not tradition.
No SIL, as with your wedding you’re not a BM.
Grandad is walking me down the aisle.
No dad she can’t come, if that means you can’t oh well. I barely know you anyway.
Sorry Nan, you can bring a packed lunch if you’d prefer.
No kids sorry!

Honestly weddings bring out a weird side in people and I have found either giving minimal information or just being explicit that there is no other option usually works. The more people you tell things the more you invite opinions

My MIL has brought up about my FIL (DH stepdad) to do a speech because he 'raised him'. He doesn't want to do the speech. DH doesn't want him to do a speech. Also my partner said he didn't raise him. No animosity but just not a fatherly relationship. His own dad isn't coming to the wedding because MIL will kick off (despite 25+ years since divorce) so we just don't think it's necessary for him to do a speech.

Your family are a nightmare. Elope.

I would personally let 1 and 2 slide. Allowing your mum to have a speech harms nobody, ditto SIL being a bridesmaid. Your Nan will have to bring some food in her bag if she really hates pizza so much or just starve. Let your Grandad walk you down the aisle and your dad be Po-faced, who cares when you’re not even close anyway. Child-free weddings are perfectly usual so no stress there. The alcoholic step-mum is a bit of a sticking point but again, you’re not close to your dad anyway so maybe it’s fine if he chooses not to attend.

Remember that your wedding is for you not for others. If speeches are going to be awful, you don't have to have them. Or you could just have your dh/you and a close friend of each of you saying something. Only follow traditions that work for you.