To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

It's your day. Do what you want regardless of what other people are demanding. If it upsets them so be it. Unless any of them are contributing in any major way then they can back off. My wedding was child free (limited numbers, preferred to have more friends than kids I don't have a relationship with) The parents of said children thoroughly enjoyed themselves!

To be honest with this much aggravation I think I’d change plans entirely and either elope or dial it right back to a small wedding with just the people you want there!

Can you speak to the venue and tell them that if she asks they are to say no to your mum giving a speech?
Maybe also ask if stepmum can go on a no serve list at the bar?
Sister in law - just no.
Have grandad walk you down the aisle
Nan - if she is hungry then tough. She knows in advance so can bring a sandwich!
So what if the kids ‘love a party’ their parents can throw them one. Stick with child free of that’s what you want.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! This is yours and your Fiancé’s day, you decide.

I'm hearing your desire to get married in your local church, @chilibandit. Speak to the bicar and set out your concerns- ask to be married by Special Licence, which will enable you to keep it under wraps so you can keep things low-key and not involve people you don't want included. Have the guest list you want not what others demand, you don't have to elope to achieve this. Then throw a party using your venue without the pressures and stresses of a wedding day.
The one note of caution is that you risk relationship damage with people close to you. Make sure your DH-to-be is onside with whatever you want from the day, because he will need to gave your back. Establish your narrative with those whose goodwill you will rely on, so they aren't easily got at by those who are hurt, angry, or offended by your choices.
One thing I've learned over many years and many weddings is that less is very often more. Trust your instincts in not allowing your wedding to be a three-ring circus driven by what everyone else wants.

You + DP
Grandparent as witnesses.
Boom..

So you’d put the parent that you’ve barely got a relationship with before the parent who raised you? If I were your DM I’d be very very upset at this.

Absolutely none of your requests are unreasonable at all. You really do need to stop being a passenger at your own wedding … it will only set you up for life.
As much as you are a people pleaser it sounds like you have a tribe of strong characters around you who will step in to make sure your wedding runs your way; please please do try to work on this for yourself though.
Have the best day 🤍💍💐

”It’s our wedding. We are paying. What we want is what is happening. End of”
Then your parents can either fall in line or not come. Nan and grandad are the most important to you, so there’s absolutely no reason why you are putting up with their shit.
Honestly there are plenty of people I your friend groups who will act as security for you!

Whatever you say @chilibandit some of the things that you don't want to happen will happen. We were having a child-free wedding other than one small bridesmaid. This meant that my SIL (two small children) refused to come and somebody else turned up with a child even though we'd explained.
Why don't you get married quietly and just invite the exact people you want to come? Your DM and DF sound appalling, don't invite them, just your GF.
Otherwise your wedding will cost you a fortue and won't be at all what you want. You can probably avoid inviting your SIL too.

Just to say we didn't have traditional speeches at our wedding. DH and I both made speeches to thank everyone for coming.

It's your day, I know it's easy to say you don't have to meet other people's expectations, but you don't.

Also - I've been the friend who was discretely asked to keep an eye on the Mother in Law and keep her occupied to stop her drinking too much and interfering. A little group of us took on the job, discretely, and in shifts, and it was quite good fun in the end.

@chilibandit With all that shit going on, it will be a memorable day for all the wrong reasons. Someone, in fact a lot of people, are going to be pissed off, obnoxious and sulking or drunk. It will be very far from a fairy tale wedding you'll probably end up in tears. Go to a registry office, have a blessing in your grandparents church and then throw a very informal party with no speeches and some ham rolls and crisps afterwards. Those sorts of weddings are usually far more fun than a swanky venue. Save your money for a deposit on a house!

Honestly your wedding your rules. I am very much a people pleaser but took a stand about a few things on my wedding day.

Speeches - I would go for neither doing one - ask you MOH and Best Man only.

SIL - Stop hinting. Point blank say sorry I only want my friends. this isn't up for discussion anymore. Rince and repeat every time she askes.

Walking down the aisle - don't let anyone change who you want to do that. Your wedding is about you...not your mum or dad who likely only want to do it for appearance sake.

Food - go with your tastes. Its your day at the end of the day. We 100% chose food and wine we liked and didn't even think about anyone else bar allergies of course.

I also had a vastly child free wedding - no children outside of close family. It annoyed a few people but we had no children so it made sense.

People will get offend and threaten to not attend but remind yourself it is not you making the issues, it is them. If they wanted to be there for you, they would understand what you say

Either you're going to have to deal with putting your foot down and saying a firm "No" to all of the above demands, irrelevant of the hostile reactions you'll receive, or elope. Much easier, keeps the day about you and your partner, and avoids all manner of family drama!

Either way, just remember it's your wedding and you owe absolutely nobody an explanation for how you want to do things. If they don't like it, let them lump it. End of story.

Weddings are the one time I think you can be as selfish as you like! The day is all about you and your finance so you have whatever you want and sod everyone else! Make sure you tell the venue that your mum is not to do a speech so that takes away her ‘surprising you’. Tbh non of the points you’ve made seem unreasonable to me so stick to your guns! Weddings are expensive and you deserve to have the day you want!

You can still get married in the same church. You can just make it all much,much smaller. Friends of ours got married in church and then went back to work afterwards! I don't recommend you do that, but you can still have your grandparents seeing you get married in the same church as them, then go out for a meal with them and your other essential guests. I would probably change the date though.
The deposit is lost money no matter what you do. You can choose to lose much more by having a huge, stressful celebration, or you can cut your losses and cancel the venue.
I hope you find the right solution for you and your future husband. Have you talked to your grandparents about all this? They may have some really good ideas, since they know you well and you are close.

That sounds ideal.

To be honest, from what you've said, it sounds like it wouldn't actually matter very much if your parents decided to boycott the wedding entirely. Your dad barely knows you and has a volatile alcoholic wife, and your mum sounds like a complete horror who left your upbringing to your grandparents, so honestly, fuck the pair of them. If they don't like it they don't have to come. Have your grandad walk you down the aisle.

Your fiance's nan's dislike of pizza is not your problem. You've said yourself that you've already gone to a lot of trouble to find things that people can eat. If she keeps on about it, just say 'Don't worry, I'm sure you'll find something you can eat' and change the subject.

Your SIL's wish to be bridesmaid is not your problem. You were not her bridesmaid, and there's no reason she should be yours. She can be offended if she likes. She can refuse to come to the wedding if she likes - her loss.

Random relatives and their children are not your problem. If they have to refuse the invitation, so what?

My wedding was just me, my husband and two witnesses. This is why.

1. Neither of your parents do a speech. Either your grandad does, a friend does it, or no one. Whatever works for you.
2. SIL can’t be your bridesmaid. If she wants to be involved she can be one of her brother’s ushers, there’s no law they have to be men.
3. Grandad gets to walk you in as he was the one who put the hours in.
4. Dad’s wife doesn’t come. You shouldn’t be worried about someone kicking off on your day. If dad doesn’t come either, sounds like no loss.
5. Pizza is fine. I’m surprised anyone still living even regards it as foreign. If there are cold sides etc she won’t starve.
6. If you want no children, it’s no children. It doesn’t matter if they “love a party”. So do I. Can I come?

To keep the peace I would;

• allow your mum either a 10 min speech or allow her to give one at the rehearsal dinner or hen do. (Perhaps ask your bridesmaid to check the speech to make sure it at least says something nice about you in there!)
• allow SIL to be a bridesmaid but essentially don’t give her any roles (ie she’s a BM in name only) except …
• ask SIL to prep and bring some plain sandwiches for your nan. That way, nan is happy and you don’t need to get involved!

None of these will have much negative impact on you but may mean a lot to your mum, SIL and nan respectively. It’s always good to support other women, even when they are family! 🤪🤪.

I’d put your foot down on everything else (walking down aisle, kids attending etc). Thresten your dad that if he complains too much about your grandad walking you down the aisle, you’ll cancel his speech and give the time to your mum instead!

It’s your wedding so have it how you want it. People are being bloody ridiculous and entitled thinking they can insist on having things you don’t want. We pissed off a few relatives with our wedding but did exactly what we wanted. Be brave!

Exactly this!! 👏🏻

Could you:
take your grandparents and have a registry office wedding
then have a blessing in their church
and still have the reception at your venue?

I had similar demands/issues from my awful family about our wedding and gave in to pretty much all of them. No divorced parents but an alcoholic brother with a tendency to be violent who absolutely MUST not only be invited but seated on the top table, family members who MUST be bridesmaids/ushers etc, control over menu/seating plan/timetable and inviting loads of people who I have not seen since.
We went along with most of the demands due to a combination of emotional blackmail and not wanting to cause a scene on the day. In our case anything they had agreed as a compromise was ignored (eg. alcoholic would not drink and would leave after the speeches, people I barely knew would only be invited for the evening etc). We had similar battles after we were married about inviting people to visit when we had newborns, christening arrangements, godparents etc.

I really wish I had put my foot down before the wedding. There would have been arguments and some people would have chosen not to come if things were not done their way but I think that would have shown me their true colours sooner. Agreeing to their demands just pushed the arguments a few years down the line and if anything made things worse then, since they clearly thought if they were horrible enough we would back down.

Get married quietly before the "wedding", with your grandparents as witnesses so you have honoured your relationship with them. Then you can tell everyone with opinions to get stuffed.
Your day, your rules.
Uninvite people you don't know (let alone their children) , people who make you uncomfortable, or people who are going to make a scene.
"No" is a complete sentence.

Bar your parents coming, just invite the grandparents.