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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

308 replies

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 21:41

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

  1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
  2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
  3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
  4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
  5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
  6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

OP posts:
YourPurpleGal · 13/06/2026 18:38

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 21:41

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

  1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
  2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
  3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
  4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
  5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
  6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

It's YOUR wedding! YOU choose whatever you want. (With agreement from your groom.) If people are invited but choose to not accept the invitation, that's up to them. Stick to your guns, love!

I chose to not serve alcohol at my wedding. Nobody really minded. We toasted with Nosecco! There was a pub like 3 minutes walk away, but nobody went to it!

Make the arrangements as you and your fiancé choose. Don't tell the potential trouble makers what your plans are.

Have a wonderful wedding and celebrate your love!

Volpini · 13/06/2026 18:22

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 21:48

It’s because it’s traditional I suppose (he probably wants to chance to one up my mum by saying he got to do one)

Show quote history

I sympathise.
we had a carnival of a very distressing run up to our wedding with a similarly difficult family set up.

  • I didn’t do this but I wish I had walked down the aisle with my husband to be as we were going into the marriage together.
  • I had no bridesmaids. My best friends (male and female) were my attendants and walked in with me.
  • we had no family speeches. My best friends (see above) did a kind of quiz. Husband gave a speech as did best man who read a letter from his brother in NZ but no one else did. Got us around this dynamic.
  • Both of our families are acrimoniously divorced. We had no top table. Each family member hosted a table. We moved between each table for each course. We ended on the table with our best friends/ attendants.
  • we had no children under 12. Yeah it caused a huge kick off with cousins who actually didn’t care about me anyway and it totally screwed the run up to our wedding and family relationships. But tbh it just highlighted problems that were already there.

have the wedding you want. Because you can bend over backwards and those people will not be grateful and there will still be all this difficulty. And you will then begrudge it.

wishing you a life of love and health with your husband to be.

Teenmumgoingcrazy · 13/06/2026 18:07

Your day your way. End of. If your dad’s wife refuses not to drink don’t invite her. If your dad says he’s not coming call his bluff and say ok, you’ve said he barely knows you so no loss there. Tell your mum no speeches - confirm with venue strict rules and maybe have someone in your wedding party ie best man etc that will enforce your requests without there being any stress t you on the day. No to kids - not your problem. Literally be ruthless and do it how you want, it’s one day the moaners will get over it

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2026 18:15

Well done OP, sounds like you handled him well. Let's hope his wife is vocal about drinking and he decides to not attend.

Now - what about your mother?

Katflapkit · 12/06/2026 13:37

Well done OP. It's an excellent start to achieving the wedding you want and deserve.

It's disappointing that your despite your Father being absent during your childhood, he would put enabling his alcoholic wife above attending his daughter's wedding. But looking on the bright side, it does clear the deck to ask your beloved Grandfather to walk you down the aisle.

So glad that wedding co-ordinator is on your side. Keep us updated with the SIL. bridesmaid wannabe and the distant cousin with the party animal children.

Original poster
chilibandit · 12/06/2026 13:23

Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2026 13:19

@chilibandit

How are you doing?

Have you set out your boundaries to folks?

Thanks for asking! I have been keeping up with the thread and everyone’s comments but I didn’t feel like I had much more to add!

i did sit my dad down this week and explained that his wife will not be welcome if she’s going to drink, if she refuses to follow that rule she will be asked to leave. I stressed that if this was a dealbreaker to him then I’d be sad that he couldn’t come but that was that. He unsurprisingly said that I couldn’t expect him to not support his wife and so wasn’t sure he’d attend.

I also had a chat with the wedding coordinator and said that under no circumstances should any surprises be allowed by anyone. She was very understanding and said she could make up some rule why various things (like spontaneous speeches) weren’t allowed.

i haven’t got any further than that yet but I do feel like a weight is lifted off me. If he doesn’t come then it’s his loss I guess.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2026 13:19

@chilibandit

How are you doing?

Have you set out your boundaries to folks?

MrsPositivity1 · 10/06/2026 18:46

This is not going to be a relaxed day for you

Tocyprusornot · 10/06/2026 18:39

Hope you have the best wedding op x

Picklelily99 · 10/06/2026 14:28

Your day, your say!

CheddarBiscuit · 10/06/2026 13:36

The saddest thing is that banning your actual parents would get rid of all your problems. And you're still bending over backwards to accommodate those useless fucks while they glide through life completely oblivious to the damage they're doing.

They've let you down all your life, when will they ever add to your life?

QueenietheGreat · 10/06/2026 13:28

@chilibandit
I seriously think that Gretna Green be a-calling!
You obviously come from a very entitled and selfish family stable
So bolt that door and just go!
It's your wedding so you do you
As its your day completely
Also
You cave into this they will always make unreasonable demands
Whilst claiming you have no idea
And what's going to happen when children enter the mix???

Clonakilla · 10/06/2026 10:57

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 22:14

There is also a selection of other foods too, just the pizzas as the ‘hot’ food choice! We don’t have any allergy issues thankfully so don’t have to worry about that one

Show quote history

Well except for your allergies which must be pretty broad if there wasn’t a thing you could eat at SIL’s wedding and you had to eat a takeaway outside. That’s pretty extreme.

andthat · 10/06/2026 10:37

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 22:29

You’re so right that I should be making it clear who is most special to me. Putting it like that has made me realise that is what’s important.

I’m definitely going to stand firm on grandad down the aisle and speech front. Thank you to everyone’s kind words of advice so far.

my best friend is small but mighty, she won’t take shit from anyone. She knows all about my family so I’m sure she’ll be on 100% alert all day for any trouble. My fiancés best friend is 6’5 and built like a rugby player, so I might tell them to plot a game plan for any issues to remove people 🤣

Show quote history

Good for you @chilibandit

I had a similar dynamic at my wedding. It caused untold stress. I stood firm.. and my relative didn’t speak to me for two years.

That was their choice.. they couldn’t deal with the fact that for once in my life I had stood up to them.

They didn’t come to the wedding and spent my honey moon spamming me to tell me how wrong I was. They didn’t speak to me for two years afterwards. Their behaviour really made it clear to me that they were utterly unreasonable and our relationship was built on a dynamic of me being compliant to their needs… and when I wasn’t, they we incandescent. When I felt sad about it I reminded myself that this was their choice, not mine.

Our relationship is healthier than it has ever been…they now accept my boundaries and on the occasion where they try and overstep them, it’s easier for me now to speak up.

(I still don’t forgive them for the drama they caused in what should have been a lovely time and they are visibly uncomfortable when any talk about my wedding comes up. That’s tough shit for them… it was a brilliant day).

Bookbears · 09/06/2026 20:20

Jesus op. Cancel it, loose your deposit and get married just the two of you and your closest friends, come back and have a big party after. No good is going to come from it. Weddings are stressful at the best of times, everyone wants a say and something will end up happening which will be the thing you will always remember about your day and it will piss you off forever more. You are already foreseeing massive problems. Your wedding is about the love between you and your partner, no one else matters.

MrsSchadenfreude · 09/06/2026 20:12

Elope.

Nephro · 09/06/2026 20:07

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 21:46

I know everyone is saying elope but it would truly break my grandparents hearts to not see me get married. I know I’ve just said I want to put my foot down and do it for me but I would hate to upset them like that and I really want to share the special day with them!

Book a registry office wedding and have grandparents as witnesses

sprigatito · 09/06/2026 19:30

My family behaved atrociously, both on the day itself and in the week leading up to it. They ruined it for me and I still feel upset when I look at the photos. I wish I had had the backbone and the life experience then that I have now. Arsey menopausal me would have put paid to their shit in no time!

It’s crucial that you don’t give in on any of the things that matter to you, I think. Not only will you regret it forever if you let them ruin it, but it sets the tone and the boundaries for your married life. They need to know they can’t control you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/06/2026 19:07

Agreeing with @MakingLasagne here

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/06/2026 19:06
  1. Mum speech: “mum, no one is giving a speech.” Get one of your BMs to be on mum watch.
  2. Future SIL “haha no SIL, what if you’re not in the family one day?! I’ll have my girls like you had yours”
  3. Grandad: “it’ll mean so much to him. And I want it. End of.” I am not having mum or dad. If you don’t like it you can’t come
  4. Nan: “got you a meal deal! But feel free to leave before the food if it’s an issue”
  5. Dad’s partner: “She’s welcome dad, but if she kicks off <insert male> will take her and you out.”
MyHorseAndMe · 09/06/2026 18:01

KittenHeelz · 08/06/2026 21:48

I’d go somewhere lovely and have a registry office wedding with your grandparents and 2 of hi family then have a party a week later with no speeches etc.

This!

allthingsinmoderation · 09/06/2026 17:54

The bride and groom decide ....
Thats it really.
Explain what is going to happen at your wedding eg: who is giving speeches,the food,bridesmaids,child free,who is walking you down the aisle etc.
Then those invited can decide if they wish to attend or not.
As for the alcoholic stepmother ,tell your Dad you prefer her not to drink ,explain why ,if she refused decide if you want to invite her or not and tell your Dad,what he does is up to him.
Have the wedding as you want it.

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 09/06/2026 17:31

YANBU at all. I wouldn't let Dad do a speech though as I think that should be Grandad as he's walking you down the aisle. Def do it your way, its your day 💐

Bluedenimdoglover · 09/06/2026 17:19

If I had to make a happy day out of all that, I'd cancel the wedding and elope. Good luck 👍

keepsmiling20 · 09/06/2026 17:14

Elope - arrange a ceremony at the local registry office and invite your grandparents as witnesses. You don't need to go too far away if you don't want to. You could always say to grandparents, we are taking you out for a meal - wear something nice and go to the restaurant via the register office!

My mum was incredibly awkward and demanding about our wedding - if we didn't do things her way she would sulk for days and not talk to us. In the end, my dad (bless him) came around to see hubby to be and I and knew how unhappy we were (am sure he was getting it from mum too!). He said to leave Mother to him, and apologised for all the agro and offered us £10K to elope and leave the other plans behind!

Not sure if Dad told mum what he'd done ... but she didn't put up any objections to the wedding after that ... and didn't end up eloping!