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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

308 replies

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 21:41

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

  1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
  2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
  3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
  4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
  5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
  6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

OP posts:
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ToyStory75 · 16/06/2026 18:35

Just get married with your grandparents!

MagicThanks · 16/06/2026 15:35

1 - YABU
2 - YANBU
3 - YANBU
4 - YANBU
5 - YABU - you’ve got to feed nan!
6 - YABU

purplecorkheart · 16/06/2026 15:33

I understand where you are coming from regarding your Grandparents and understand why you do not want to elope.

I assume that the Best man will be acting as MC at the wedding when it comes to speeches. Tell him and the venue that your mother is not allowed to give a speech. Make sure that the Mike is not passed to her. Tell her she is not giving a speech and that is that.

SIL just tell her that Ann Jane and Clare are your Bridemaids and that is that.

Don't invite your Dad's wife, hopefully that will mean your Dad will not go too and that would solve the walking down the aisle.

Do not invite the kids - tough luck that they like a party. More likely their parents don't want to arrange Childcare. If they kick up a fuss offer to withdraw the cousins invites too.

JaneJess · 16/06/2026 15:21

100% you should elope and go on a fabulous holiday with what you save. I have been with my wonderful husband for 47 years, our wedding cost less than £100. I really dont understand why people put themselves through such stress!

Luckylu123 · 15/06/2026 03:09

If you say your dads wife can’t go that’ll solve issues 1,3&4… just saying..

Italiangreyhound · 15/06/2026 01:12

@chilibandit

Thank you for your reply.

So glad you are being firm with people.

Stick to your guns.

And the non-bridesmaid situation with your future sister-in-law?

YourShyLion · 14/06/2026 23:59

Everything is fine apart from the child free thing v

lollypop42 · 14/06/2026 23:42

@ThreadGuardDog i just think you should do things with an open heart and think how much joy you could bring with not a lot of loss to oneself. but it’s ok to disagree

ThreadGuardDog · 14/06/2026 21:58

lollypop42 · 14/06/2026 21:52

none of the things you mention seem that troublesome, apart from the alcoholic step mum and SIL; can’t you just be kind and accommodate the others, will it really make such a difference to your day ?

Why ? It’s OP’s day. Why should she accommodate everyone else if these are things she doesn’t want ?

lollypop42 · 14/06/2026 21:52

none of the things you mention seem that troublesome, apart from the alcoholic step mum and SIL; can’t you just be kind and accommodate the others, will it really make such a difference to your day ?

Oldwmn · 14/06/2026 13:42

Weekmindedfool · 08/06/2026 21:43

I’d elope if I were you

My thoughts exactly!

Funkylights · 14/06/2026 10:32

KittenHeelz · 08/06/2026 21:48

I’d go somewhere lovely and have a registry office wedding with your grandparents and 2 of hi family then have a party a week later with no speeches etc.

This

NoisyMonster678 · 14/06/2026 10:26

Your SIL is a cheeky so and so, just tell her she will NOT be a bridesmaid at your wedding and remind her you were not a bridesmaid at her wedding.

Its your day OP, have your grandfather walk you down the isle as your bond with your grandfather is strong.

Anyone tries to change your mind or tries to manipulate you into going against your wishes, answer them with a NO. No is harder for them to wriggle out of as it is a closed answer.

Marieb19 · 14/06/2026 09:46

If your step mother is an alcaholic it is highly unlikely (even if she tries) that she will make it through the reception wuthout drinking. Personally, I would prefer to have a grandparent walk me down thd isle, rather than someone who barely knows me. Tradition be damned. Why should either of your parents give a speach, neither seem to have earned that right. You also need to be explicitly clear and firm with not so DM, SIL and assorted cousins. Your wedding, your choice and they can choose not to come.

Beabarb · 14/06/2026 08:15

Weekmindedfool · 08/06/2026 21:43

I’d elope if I were you

Definitely elope! Then arrange a small party for family only at a restaurant & a decent bash another night for friends.

whatmatterstoyou · 14/06/2026 07:59
  1. Why not remind her it's your wedding? And notify the venue staff that any such surprises are a no no so they can handle it if need to.;
  1. Be firm, e.g. I've made my mind and it's not up for a debate. If she presses on, remind her what happened in the past. If she continues to press on, leave the conversation / ignore her. If her own ego won't allow her to move on, that's her problem.;
  1. Your dad can be as offended as he likes. Not your problem. Be firm. It's your wedding.;
  1. Good. Two problems solved at once. Again, it's your wedding and you don't owe them anything. It's not about them.;
  1. Not your problem. No need to cater to everyone. It's about you two.;
  1. The kids can love a party as much as they want. Remind the "adults" it's your wedding and these are your preferences and decisions. Don't budge to please anyone.
Flamingojune · 13/06/2026 23:12

So your dad who 'barely knows' you is allowed to do a speech but not your mum?

Chilly80 · 13/06/2026 23:07

Definitely elope

Trillie · 13/06/2026 21:38

It’s your wedding. Have things the way you and your fiancé like and let them get on with it. Tell grandma to bring a packed lunch if she doesn’t like the food, tell your SIL thank you but you’ve chosen your bridesmaids, tell your mum to button it and tell your dad it’s ok if he doesn’t come since your grandfather is walking you down the aisle because that’s what you want and that’s a good enough reason

deeahgwitch · 13/06/2026 20:35

JJWT · 13/06/2026 19:35

I'd go with a firm no to the speech by either parent. Definitely have Grandad walking you down the aisle. Perhaps Grandad might say a few lovely words?Definitely ban the alkie step mother which takes care of the dad who barely knows you. Choose who you want to be bridesmaids, no explanation needed. Pizza is basically bread, tomato and cheese, if she can't eat that because its "foreign", she wont starve, and if she does, she's an adult, just smile and circulate! Definitely stick with the no kids rule. Ppl who want to make a fuss and threaten not to go can sulk and not go, they sound like they wouldn't enhance your day anyway. Have a small, lovely wedding that you both enjoy.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻Great advice

@chilibanditYou sound so lovely and have a supportive partner and best friend.
You don’t need the toxicity of your Mum, Dad’s alcoholic wife and a bitc*y sister in law.

Jukeboxjulie69 · 13/06/2026 19:37

chilibandit · 08/06/2026 21:41

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

  1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
  2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
  3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
  4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
  5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
  6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

Learn to say NO!

JJWT · 13/06/2026 19:35

I'd go with a firm no to the speech by either parent. Definitely have Grandad walking you down the aisle. Perhaps Grandad might say a few lovely words?Definitely ban the alkie step mother which takes care of the dad who barely knows you. Choose who you want to be bridesmaids, no explanation needed. Pizza is basically bread, tomato and cheese, if she can't eat that because its "foreign", she wont starve, and if she does, she's an adult, just smile and circulate! Definitely stick with the no kids rule. Ppl who want to make a fuss and threaten not to go can sulk and not go, they sound like they wouldn't enhance your day anyway. Have a small, lovely wedding that you both enjoy.

Poppy61 · 13/06/2026 19:19

Have a registry office ceremony with just your grandparents present. They can be your witnesses. If anyone is upset, tell them its their own fault for making it so difficult for you both.

Rockchicknana · 13/06/2026 18:51

Weekmindedfool · 08/06/2026 21:43

I’d elope if I were you

First post nailed it!!

TeaCupTinsel · 13/06/2026 18:46

It's your wedding. You do want you want. Stop talking to them all about your plans.

Tell your bridesmaids/the venue/ wedding organiser at the venue that under NO circumstances is your Mum doing a speech. She will be rugby tackled by those who support you.

Ask your Grandad to walk you down the aisle. Tell your dad: No. Tell your Mum that if she asks again about walking you down the aisle then she will be uninvited.

Put on all your invites 'Children cannot be accommodated at this wedding, sorry.' And stop talking to other people about your wedding. Shut the conversations down.

Tell the bar staff at the venue not to serve your stepmother alcohol. Tell them she is an alcoholic. Tell your dad that you don't want any kick offs at the wedding and you've asked her not to drink for one day, if she can't manage that then do you really want them there anyway?

We solved all these dramas by paying for our own wedding and being firm from the start, we were paying so nobody had any say. We had a child free wedding (aside from our eldest and a bridesmaid's newborn baby) as otherwise it would have added nearly places to the venue which could only accommodate 60. All of our friends/ family were happy to get babysitters/ have a day or evening out.

I'd be putting your foot down more and 'grey rock' style shutting down discussion.