AIBU to want boundaries around my partner’s constant voluntary work/charity calls at night, weekends and during family appointments?

We recently bought a house together and this is when I noticed things even more. He took a call from the charity while we signed the paperwork

I think it's too late to back out of the sale. It sounds as though it's a done deal. Which is really bad news.

The house is not yet your home. You have yet to make it a home.

I know it’s so very tempting to move into this house you have searched for and want to make a home. I wouldn’t be surprised if you liked the house more than him.
don’t complete on the sale as you will be trapped with him. Him dropping on you so late in the process that he needs a week at his home to facilitate his charity work is reason enough to back out of the sale .

and honestly after reading some of these replies is this week alone for something else he may be involved in…not another woman but something else secretive or shady?

The fact you stop at the supermarket for some peace is absolutely awful. You don’t exist to be his audience for the drama he so obviously revels in. Nothing about what he’s doing is compassionate. He’s a grief thief with no boundaries and I think it’s really disturbing .

Given there is an age difference there is a real possibility you could end up as his full time carer.

What do your children think about him?

I said YABU because you have just bought a house with him 🤨

It's not too late to back out. If it hasn't completed it could be the best thing you ever do. It doesn't mean you have to end it but you aren't happy with the arrangement and it will be a lot harder to get out of it after moving in. A financial hit on legal fees is worth your happiness if it's still possible.

You are taking refuge in a supermarket for a break. This is not a supportive relationship, it's a one-way street. He is on an ego trip.

He sounds like a bit of a weirdo and he’s definitely overcompensating for something with all the charity work… maybe I’m a bitch but that’s what it sounds like. You write like you’re second guessing yourself, but come on you know this isn’t right.

All of this. I don't know how you've put up with this for years. At this point, would he even notice if you left?

If the house sale isn't complete, pull out, take the hit on legal etc. It will be the best thing you ever do.

If it has closed, there's probsbly and underbidder there who would love it - check it out.

He's 68 - he's not for changing. Deeply insecure with a saviour complex to make himself feel good about himself. Wanting to be respected and admired by others.

His ego is more important to him than you are.

Also are you 44 to his 68? You've so many better opportunities than this.

I also think op you are working full time in a crisis centre... having done that type of work myself I know how intense it can be. If you can deal with significant crisis and be able to turn your phone off when you need to then someone in pretty much an unpaid admin role definitely can. Why does he seem to think his contributions are so much more important than yours?

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me

It's not a lovely trait. He's a ghoul/grief vampire/whatever. He loves the drama and feeds off others distress. I know someone like this and it's horrible. I go out of my way to avoid them because it sickens me the way they get excited over someone else's tragedy.

I'm a volunteer and trustee for a charity working in an emotionally difficult area. Our CEO sets very clear boundaries for staff and volunteers. Office hours are office hours and staff are not to answer their work phones or emails outside those times. Volunteers are also constantly reminded about keeping their boundaries and 'switching off'.

Someone within the organisation should have picked up on his behaviour. Something is very wrong here. Volunteering full time is very unusual, and 24/7 is inherently bad for anyone, even if they're on a good salary, and he's not.

It's really unfortunate that you've bought a house together. I'd be telling you that you should run from this man. You will always come second.

Drama seems to really excite him.
For instance a terrible accident on the news..he will follow this and ask me for days weather ive seen the unfolding drama. He is really compassionate and becomes very involved in the fsmily suffering whixh is a loveoy trait, but It's often too much for me as I am pleased to read the news but with work being often impactful & with loss of life etc..I need time inbetween with calm and a little bit of predictable quiet

He doesn’t sound compassionate at all, he sounds like a ghoul. I would not want to listen to these sorts of stories. I would not want to buy a house with him and if there’s a way out I would find it.

Honestly @Quietpeace82 this is not the right person for you. Get out while you can. He has no boundaries! It’s him, not you.

Reading your posts it sounds like he's either significantly over compensating for something, or it's like trauma porn and he's enjoying the drama of others pain and fear.
You say he's really compassionate but I'd actually query that because he's showing no compassion to you at all. So it's making me wonder if he is actually compassionate, or if he's just really good at acting compassionate when it benefits him?

This is what I thought too.

He's addicted to feeling important - even though in the grand scheme of things he isn't. His normal day to day life with you doesn't feed that need to be the centre of everything. He replies instantly because he's worried if he doesn't people will realise he's not indispensable. He's compensating for something, I don't know what it is.

People in certain jobs are forced to take 2 or 3 weeks consecutive leave on an annual basis because organisations know if someone is covering up wrongdoing then it's likely to fall apart in their absence.

This is what this situation reminds me of. Poor safeguarding and compliance.

As PPS have suggested, he’s an Emotional Vampire. I used to work in a charity, Regional. Manager. And met many like him. Mostly men, funnily enough.

I think they do enjoy the drama and how important they are, or think they are. They used to call in my work phone or WhatsApp in the evening with an emergency. I never answered as it was never important at all, so they gave up and used office hours.

They were great volunteers, don’t get me wrong, charities couldn’t run without people like these, but my word could never live with one.

what is the age difference OP? And what did he do before he retired?

Saviour complex. At its heart is an incredibly insecure little man who needs to feel indispensable and vitally important in order to feel good about himself. You’re not enough I’m afraid.

You said he ‘works as a full time volunteer’ I’m wondering why he has no earned income and how he was able to jointly buy the house in that case? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood. As someone who also works for a crisis charity I can’t comprehend why the organisation is not monitoring his hours and imposing boundaries? This seems ego driven which makes me uncomfortable.

Former volunteer manager for a medium sized third sector organisation here: if one of my volunteers was behaving in this way, I’d be having a conniption fit (and probably getting the sack).

Obviously, it should not be happening, and I’d be seriously concerned about the organisation’s policies and practices around volunteer support.

since you think he’s worth persevering with, can you find out who in the organisation is responsible for volunteer management, and suggest he has a chat with them
about protocols, boundaries and reducing the demands on his time. I think his reaction will be informative…

He sounds insufferable tbh. He is way too invested in his charity work. Its good that he cares so much but you seem to be a casualty of his "caring nature". Take his phone, switch it off and make him listen. If he cant wven do that he needs to be shown the door

Sorry but you've rambled on for 18 pages..... front and back!!!!!

If you guys really love each other than get some couples therapy before making any big decision's

I’m sorry OP but he sounds pathetic to be honest. I also find it interesting that you felt the need to extol his virtues quite so much in your OP-why do you feel the need to do that? Why do you feel like you have to be proud of him? That you have to be so involved in his bit of volunteering? That’s all it is. I really don’t get it. Is he as proud of you for your actual job? Your achievements? Does he talk about all the wonderful things you do?

This. His overly empathetic demeanour is anything but. He’s an emotional vampire - his involvement in other people’s drama inflates his sense of self importance, and his ‘selflessness’ (being available 24/7 etc) does the same; he loves stoking that notion that he’s essential and indispensable and at the hub of all the decision-making.

I have a fair bit of experience in the voluntary sector, and can confirm it’s a bloody magnet for this type of person, particularly a certain breed of older man. I’ve worked with several who were also Masons, and the reverence and deference on display towards those they perceived as Very Important People was quite astonishing - they came over all Baldrick ‘I’m but a worthless peasant’ when local Masonic higher-ups visited their ‘chapter’ to bless them with rolled up trouser legs and funny handshakes. Same within our own organisation. It was truly strange.

But yeah, that’s his life’s core and purpose at this point, OP. It’s good that he has a vocation, and thank god for the people who do throw themselves into this kind of work, but there’s no room in their lives for genuine personal relationships, so unless you’re happy to take a back seat and always come second, this set up probably isn’t for you.

He likes to feel important in a nutshell. He won’t change and loves the dopamine hits. You are not compatible