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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don’t know what to do.

156 replies

Howisthisok1 · 08/06/2026 21:06

i work as a TA in an inner city primary school. Three weeks ago, the children went on a residential to Wales. I opted not to go. A few days ago, one of the girls told me she’d left her accommodation on one of the nights and slept elsewhere with another group. I reported this. Her parents were called in.

The following day she told me she was angry, because another girl had done the same but would not be getting into trouble. I told her she should report the other girl. She then told me that three of them had gone to the DSL to report it and were told ‘keep this to yourselves, you are too late to report it - stop throwing others under the bus.

AIBU to think this is totally wrong and you never tell children to keep quiet about safeguarding?

Edited to add he did tell the girl she could bring it up at her forthcoming meeting but that he did not wish to be involved.

OP posts:
LizandDerekGoals · 10/06/2026 07:19

You should be in a union. You need to rectify that immediately.

WaryCrow · 10/06/2026 07:17

There’s an escalation chain for safeguarding that everyone in schools is trained in. Download the school’s safeguarding policy, and follow it. It’s the local authority I believe which is your next step, LADO I think they were called? As pps said, a word with the union might be wise for your protection, and they should be able to go through the safeguarding too.

Slowandsilentindifference · 10/06/2026 06:49

As a parent id be furious if my child was told to keep quiet in relation to safeguarding this perpetuates women not speaking up and being believed culture.

To the post who referred to complaint culture- vile comment and ignorant of the implications of not listening to vulnerable people in any situation.

As a professional I often have to follow safeguarding procedures. I would factually document the disclosures made and the actions you took and raise a further concerns with HT if they don’t respond to that I’d report to LADO. I’d also document everything as if the have an approach of retaliatory behaviour that is bullying then they need to be very careful.

I can not understand why the DSL doesn’t initiate a review of the risk assessments in place regarding supervision of children while on residential - at the very least to inform future policy of how residentials need to be managed.

It beggars belief, what would the DSL do if a child said something that could be concerning but is unclear and fail to follow through. I’d really be concerned about their professional judgement.

MrsHamlet · 10/06/2026 06:48

Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:20

I know and I am absolutely petrified. The last person who spoke up had to leave. She could afford to leave. I am a single mum of three children but I know it’s my duty. So many posters telling me I am being ridiculous and it isn’t report worthy. I feel so confused.

You have to report to the chair of governors - the issue is now with your head not having dealt with it appropriately.

Also, you're deeply foolish not to be in a union if you work in a school with such shitty approaches to basic safeguarding.

MrsHamlet · 10/06/2026 06:44

Howisthisok1 · 08/06/2026 22:31

Because I need advice. Isn’t that why most people post? The DSL has told the girls to keep it to thenselves. What would be the point of me speaking to him?

If you have concerns about a member of staff, you go straight to the head. If this is true, it's a massive safeguarding breach and the head needs to know.

LizandDerekGoals · 10/06/2026 06:39

Op you have been advised repeatedly to contact the LADO but have not engaged with that suggestion once. That is the next and only course of action.

IcyRubyHiker · 10/06/2026 06:37

Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:29

Scenario - A girl is inappropriately touched - keeps it to herself as that’s what she was told to do last time. The responsibility has been put onto her to keep the other child out of trouble. Whilst she herself had a big dressing down and parents brought into school. Her dad is a police officer. They want to keep the second incident quiet because it looks bad.

Is this what happened?! Please report this in line with your schools procedures for safeguarding / whistle blowing. The DSL isn’t fit for purpose.

I find this deeply concerning and I have had regular and updated safeguarding training.

IcyRubyHiker · 10/06/2026 06:34

Howisthisok1 · 08/06/2026 22:31

Because I need advice. Isn’t that why most people post? The DSL has told the girls to keep it to thenselves. What would be the point of me speaking to him?

Have you had your safeguarding training? This is either a whistle blowing procedure now and it needs to go above the DSL, or going above to the Head (or a governor) the DSL has acted wrongly and needs to be called out. It’s a very serious issue.

TropicalFishAreTwats · 10/06/2026 06:32

Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:20

I know and I am absolutely petrified. The last person who spoke up had to leave. She could afford to leave. I am a single mum of three children but I know it’s my duty. So many posters telling me I am being ridiculous and it isn’t report worthy. I feel so confused.

I don't think this is serious enough that I would risk losing my job over it. I get where you are coming from entirely but personally I would drop it now.

Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:29

Melarus · 10/06/2026 04:16

I don't understand what outcome you're after here. Do you want the girls to be told off? Or the DSL to be told off by the head? Or the head to be told off by an even higher authority?

. If your ten year old child told you she had been wondering around a field on her own on a school trip in the middle of the night would you seriously think it was ok?

Well, yes - isn't that all part of a group camping trip, and to be expected? I did the same on every Girl Guide camp and school trip as a kid, there was never a rule against it.

Scenario - A girl is inappropriately touched - keeps it to herself as that’s what she was told to do last time. The responsibility has been put onto her to keep the other child out of trouble. Whilst she herself had a big dressing down and parents brought into school. Her dad is a police officer. They want to keep the second incident quiet because it looks bad.

OP posts:
Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:23

Nighttimeistherightime · 10/06/2026 05:24

Absolutely this (DSL for 6 years). It’s not for you to investigate, it needs to go straight to LADO with the facts laid out.

I haven’t tried to investigate. I have just listened to the girls and followed procedures so far. I am absolutely terrified of the outcome and repercussions as last person had to leave and was totally ostracised.

OP posts:
Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:20

Nighttimeistherightime · 10/06/2026 05:24

Absolutely this (DSL for 6 years). It’s not for you to investigate, it needs to go straight to LADO with the facts laid out.

I know and I am absolutely petrified. The last person who spoke up had to leave. She could afford to leave. I am a single mum of three children but I know it’s my duty. So many posters telling me I am being ridiculous and it isn’t report worthy. I feel so confused.

OP posts:
Isabella70 · 10/06/2026 06:19

As usual it's probably the cover up that that's worse. If I were the parent I probably would not be worried that my child had gone to another pod (depending of course on the circumstances) but I'd be very worried if the school was covering it up.

Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 06:16

LBFseBrom · 10/06/2026 02:11

"Is it really ok for a DSL to tell a child to keep something serious to themselves? Wow!!!!"

No but maybe not considered serious. No harm was done, kids do that sort of thing all the time and nobody died.

The girl who told you was daft to do so.

Totally missing the point. That being a DSL should NEVER tell a child they have missed an opportunity to report something. What about if she is assaulted in the future and keeps it to herself as she was told last time! Shocking thing to tell a child.

OP posts:
Francestein · 10/06/2026 06:06

Sorry I back stepped! Wrong post

Moonnstarz · 10/06/2026 05:55

Have you written a CPOMS yourself containing the factual information? E.g.X told you that Y had been out of their pod on the residential. X said they had spoken to the DSL already but was also letting you know. You said thank you for the information and that you would have to let other adults know.
Action: also spoke to the DSL

What did the DSL say to you when you reported it? Were you told to forget about it?
While you do need to trust children do better aware that it could get twisted (e.g. leave it with me could appear as the DSL saying forget it/showing a lack of interest).

Also join a union immediately.

Nighttimeistherightime · 10/06/2026 05:24

MaryBeardsShoes · 09/06/2026 08:07

Yes You should 100% report the DSL and HT to the LADO. Firstly the original incident but also their handling of it is very poor.

Absolutely this (DSL for 6 years). It’s not for you to investigate, it needs to go straight to LADO with the facts laid out.

DangoDays · 10/06/2026 05:19

@samysungy typically you go to the LADO as the next step if concern is about the head. You can’t go to DDSL. It has to keep escalating.

Does sound like some covering of backs and unfair on the child being punished.

Anecdotally, we might all think that it seems over the top based on our own feelings/experiences of sneaking about on school trips. However, we didn’t know the context e.g location, SEND need, proximity, risk assessments etc. there might be an ill established culture around safeguarding procedures. All of which is important to challenge. 9/10 safeguarding follow up may be something of nothing. I get that it may feel extra. But that’s safeguarding, to protect against no regrets.

Janblues28 · 10/06/2026 04:47

I don't think the issue is the girls wandering around in the night, I think its the DSL telling them to drop it. However I think if I wasn't on the trip I wouldn't pursue it further. All kids do this on school trips. I'm not sure how the the teachers could stop it from happening in the night when they themselves are asleep. We had a school ski trip abroad when I was 13. Age range of kids was 13 to 15. One 14yo girl got out of her bed at night and went and had sex with a 15yo boy in another room. A 14yo girl had a holiday romance with a 19yo ski instructor. Alot of those things shouldn't have happened but besides locking the kids into their rooms I don't know how they could have stopped it.

Melarus · 10/06/2026 04:16

I don't understand what outcome you're after here. Do you want the girls to be told off? Or the DSL to be told off by the head? Or the head to be told off by an even higher authority?

. If your ten year old child told you she had been wondering around a field on her own on a school trip in the middle of the night would you seriously think it was ok?

Well, yes - isn't that all part of a group camping trip, and to be expected? I did the same on every Girl Guide camp and school trip as a kid, there was never a rule against it.

ButcherFaker · 10/06/2026 02:19

LBFseBrom · 10/06/2026 02:11

"Is it really ok for a DSL to tell a child to keep something serious to themselves? Wow!!!!"

No but maybe not considered serious. No harm was done, kids do that sort of thing all the time and nobody died.

The girl who told you was daft to do so.

Exactly, messing about like that is half the fun of school trips

LBFseBrom · 10/06/2026 02:11

"Is it really ok for a DSL to tell a child to keep something serious to themselves? Wow!!!!"

No but maybe not considered serious. No harm was done, kids do that sort of thing all the time and nobody died.

The girl who told you was daft to do so.

Samysungy · 10/06/2026 01:21

There should be a 2nd DSL - a deputy DSL. Report to them. They have a duty to report. They are also part of the safeguarding team so should report the DSL and HT too along with the original concern.

Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 01:04

MrMucker · 09/06/2026 10:22

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous.
Some young kids on a glamping trip snuck out in the night and you have retrospectively reported it as a safeguarding incident?

And in response some posters are suggesting you report it to the LADO?

Utter pot stirring. This is complaint culture. This is not an actual complaint.

What has happened now is a massive procedural investigation involving all school leaders and outside agencies and thousands of pounds of public money. E xactly the same procedure has to be kickstarted as when a teacher has been seen snogging a student behind the bike shed.

This is why you are being told to leave it.
Because there has never in human history been an overnight school trip at any age where kids have NOT snuck out in the night.

This is not a complaint. It is complaint culture, and it costs everyone involved the opportunity to get on with the real stuff that benefits everyone.

If you MUST report something, you report it ONCE and then leave it at that. You don't go posting online about it, tittle rattling with the kids about it, scandalizing about what has happened, or even discussing further with the DSL.
They are qualified to a far higher level than yourself to investigate, and you are very much out of order to do all this probing. Just do your job ffs.

I really hope you do not work in a school with attitudes like this. You have totally missed the point. Absolutely nothing to do with sneaking out in the night. It is the DSL telling children to keep quiet and not report a safeguarding incident. If your ten year old child told you she had been wondering around a field on her own on a school trip in the middle of the night would you seriously think it was ok? Is it really ok for a DSL to tell a child to keep something serious to themselves? Wow!!!!

OP posts:
Howisthisok1 · 10/06/2026 00:56

Jellox · 09/06/2026 10:10

I’m not sure I believe it either.

A child came up to OP and made a disclosure and OP told her to go and tell the DSL herself??

Anyone working in a school knows that she should have reported it to the sgl herself and not relied on a primary aged child to do if.

if you had read all the comments you would see that I immediately reported to H/T within the hour. I did not tell the children to go report it thenselves. They had already reported it to the DSL. They told me his response. I went to the H/T to relay everything. She backed the DSL.

OP posts:
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