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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dilemma about dates of visitor

54 replies

WordOfTheDay · 08/06/2026 20:36

I'm confused about what to do in this situation. I live in a different European country. My brother recently mentioned that he would like to come and visit me and my DP (he has been over for very short trips a couple of times with his then young sons years ago). I said that he is more than welcome, but would need to stay in a hotel and as we are not set up for guests. That's no problem. We live outside a small town with no hotel and he would be staying in a hotel that is a bit away.

My DP is retired and is organising a day with his extended family (30 people): lunch at our house on 4 July and devising a puzzle car rally (he is away now and can only resume work on this mid-month). My brother would like to come between now and the end of June (I had said June was fine to him). My DP has always been iffy about a visit in that period as he feared he/we would be tied up with the preparations, but he reluctantly agreed that my brother could come then after my brother said it would be the perfect time for him. Today, my brother has come back with dates and is suggesting 4/5 days, which is longer than I thought it be would.

I am now a concerned about the length, and my partner is concerned as he might not be free and he doesn't want the pressure hanging over him. I feel awful about asking my brother to reschedule until after the rally, having led him up until now to believe that we were enthusiastic about this period (he is off work from 19 June to the end of the month). Having discussed with my DP, he strongly wants me to tell my brother it doesn't suit after all. I feel it's very difficult to do that having encouraged him up until now. I think my brother will probably have more work pressure over the summer, although I also know he gets a few days off fortnightly or something (he's a pilot).

My DP is now annoyed that I am so resistant to simply explaining it doesn't suit, but up until my brother suggested his dates today, we had accepted in our minds that he was coming over in this period (but had mistakely assumed for only 2/3 days). I don't know what to do: basically tell my brother not to come until after the rally (very unpleasant of me after all that has been said) or talk to him and possibly accept he comes before the rally (if it is much preferable for him due to his work commitments), but thereby not prioritise my DP's reasable wish to set other dates and put him under pressure he never wanted in the first place. In the couse of discussions today, my DP's position has hardened.

I only have a slightly distant relationship with my brother, so I am not at ease

Help!

OP posts:

Velvian · 10/06/2026 06:59

Your partner is being really unreasonable @WordOfTheDay.

Can you go and stay in the hotel for the last couple of days of your brother's visit and go on a couple of days out from there.

Your partner seems to be expecting a lot from you and giving nothing in return. I think you need to firmly put your foot down, he is already staying in a hotel.

WonderingWanda · 10/06/2026 06:15

You really don't sound like you want to see your brother at all. You won't let him stay in your home but your dh can manage to host 30 visitors in it. You are worried about entertaining him without your dh's help. You mention he came to visit once years before. When did you last see him? Do you have much a of a relationship? Do you speak often? Do you actually want this?

Eenameenadeeka · 10/06/2026 06:10

I really don't see why you need to reschedule at all! Your partner has plenty of time to organize his event, 4 days won't make a difference and in any case, you can spend lots of time with your brother, im sure it's fine if your partner isn't there the full time.

Morepositivemum · 10/06/2026 05:48

m00rfarm
I think your partner is being really precious about his 4th July do. Just let him et on with it and you deal with your brother. How comes HIS family gets to be a priority over YOUR family.

I don’t think it’s a his vs hers- If it has been organised to happen for a while and with so many people I get it- we hosted a family thing a few years ago for about that amount and the backwards and forwards of it was talked about for months beforehand.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 10/06/2026 05:42

I'm sorry, because your partner needs to spend the next month preparing for his 30 relatives visiting, your 1 relative cannot possibly be accommodated.
Hmm. Convenient.
What is this idea that women aren't entitled to have a relationship with their own family once they become the property of a man?

Your brother is making an effort to maintain a relationship with you and you're acting like it's a hardship, he's travelling, he's paying for a hotel that's not even in the town you live in. And you're like "oh but he's going to want to spend time with us because he has no means of transport at all"

sesquipedalian · 10/06/2026 05:20

If your brother’s off work from the 19th, ask him to come then, so you have time after his visit to organise the puzzle car rally. If he’s gone by the 23rd or 24th, surely your DH will have enough time after that to do his organising?

littlemisspigg · 10/06/2026 04:58

WordOfTheDay · 08/06/2026 20:47

My DP is sociable so would be a major help to me during my brother's stay. Devising the puzzle tour is a big job, but mainly it's the possible time pressure he would (understandably) prefer to avoid.

Your DP is making you see things exactly his way, prioritising HIS plans over yours.
When the chips are down OP, it's your brother who'll be standing by your side, your DP would have sneakily f*ckd off by that point.
Choose wisely.
This will only get worse.
Stand your ground.

Horses7 · 09/06/2026 19:31

I think you’re making a drama out of all this - perhaps your brother will take the hint that your partner’s friends are more important than him.

canklesmctacotits · 09/06/2026 01:19

Why can’t you look after your brother yourself? Would that be worse than telling him not to come?

Why can your brother, an actual pilot, not navigate a route with a poor bus line?

Even if he can’t and you have to bring him back and forth, why can he not get stuck in helping organize a tour what with being good with directions etc?

Why does your partner need you to watch him while he does something for 5 days?

Why can’t you spend time with your brother during the day and meet up as a group for dinners?

I really can’t see the problem. This all sounds like much ado about nothing.

IndigoBluey · 09/06/2026 01:13

@Oneinamelon right, are we the only ones? My tired brain puts it like lockdown puzzles and formula 1. I’m sure it is far more exciting

MiddleLaneLife · 09/06/2026 00:49

@WordOfTheDay just tell brother you can’t wait to see him but unfortunately you’ll only be free for a maximum of 4 days as you have to help DH arrange the rally etc…

FruitFlyPie · 08/06/2026 21:51

Ya both bu, your dp is being a bit mean but at the same time, why is the visit his responsibility to host or have much to do with at all really. DP might be "more social" but it's your brother.

HumanOfTheWeek · 08/06/2026 21:45

Are you sure it’s understandable, or does your partner just have you trained to see things his way? He’s putting an elaborate planning exercise for his family over seeing your brother at all.
I‘ve planned a lot of large scale treasure hunts over the years and even before the internet it wasn’t a big job. It’s very easy now.

BettyscakeShop · 08/06/2026 21:44

I just asked chatgpt to design one in my local area and tada… 5 mins and it’s done! Ok I could tweak it and make changes but likely could be done in a day at most!

Oneinamelon · 08/06/2026 21:27

What is a puzzle car rally?

Vartden · 08/06/2026 21:14

If this puzzle rally is so time consuming to organise ,bin it and go for a walk instead. Your brother is flying over to see you. Surely you want to spend time with him.

StunHun · 08/06/2026 21:04

Surely there’s not a massive difference between three days, and four or five?

If I were your brother, I’d be very upset that you’re changing the plans because you want to be able to dedicate weeks to planning hospitality for 30 people, but aren’t willing to be hospitable to him.

Is it a case that you love at your boyfriend’s house and feel like you really have no say in who is allowed visit?

WaltzingWaters · 08/06/2026 20:56

your DP sounds like a selfish prick.
Let your brother come and visit at the time that is suitable and already agreed. It’s only 5 days, please just enjoy it with him.

VIII · 08/06/2026 20:52

Your partner sounds incredibly controlling. Your brother wants to visit for 4/5 days it's hardly a significant period of time. You don't have to listen to him just because he says no. His wishes don't override yours.

Crunchymum · 08/06/2026 20:51

So your DP gets his event with his 30 people and your brother has to rearrange a trip for dates already agreed?

And your DP isn't willing to compromise?

Not good.

hahabahbag · 08/06/2026 20:50

Anyway, couldn’t your brother tag along helping to devise part of the tour? Might be a good option for a day

hahabahbag · 08/06/2026 20:49

It doesn’t take 2 weeks to work out an event for his family. Anyway why does he need to spend the whole trip with your brother, surely he spends the planned 3 days and the final 2 you entertain him yourself

m00rfarm · 08/06/2026 20:48

I think your partner is being really precious about his 4th July do. Just let him et on with it and you deal with your brother. How comes HIS family gets to be a priority over YOUR family.

I actually feel sorry for your brother that he has a sibling who cannot prioritise a visit and only cares about her in law family.