AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

For it to be exactly the same then she would take the kids to see her parents and her DH would be doing the grunt work of getting the kids to his parents. It's absolutely not on to expect one woman to do everything for everyone as that is what is "fair". Fair for who exactly??? Her personal relationship with her own parents is inconsequential now because she is a mother and a wife? She is there to please everyone equally and smile as she does so?
For what it's worth my DH makes the plans to visit his family and I do mine, because I'm not the extended family's servant.

Postpone it a month and reduce the stay to one or two nights. You don't have to match like for like and do it immediately.

Having already arranged it, I would go this time. If you are not at home you won't have a household to run and DH will have to manage anything at the house.
I think your MIL would be very upset at this stage as a date has been set. Use both opportunities as a chance to relax a bit and let both sets of parents spend lots of "quality" time with the children.
Going forward make DH very aware that he is doing the organising where his parents are concerned, not you.

As PP said, your DH can take them.

You have a huge amount going on. Of course it is OK to delay the visit.

Tell them you aren't sleeping, the pregnancy is proving difficult,and you'll bring the dcs to visit when you get past the exhausted phase.

Is your DH going to stay with them too? If you are going to stay with your parents alone then suggest he takes the children to stay with his parents alone, giving you chance for a rest.

Tell DH he can take the kids to see his parents and you can have a weekend "off" so you can relax.

What is DH doing that's so important that he can't visit his own mother and father?

No to that from me.

You are visiting your parents. Your DH can visit his taking the DC. Spending a weekend with people i m only related to by marriage is not my idea of fun.

Their agenda couldn’t be more obvious (or childish). Competitive grandparenting at its finest!
I’d guess that they’re not inviting you out but the goodness of their heart or any true affection, it’s because they want what your Mum’s getting otherwise they don’t feel as important (which is unacceptable in these types of families).
I absolutely wouldn’t go, it’s too much time away from home and you should be able to see your own Mum without having to pander to your MIL’s ego.
You will need yo develop extremely firm boundaries to deal with them going forward.

Agree with this. Go see them another time, you'll inevitably feel more comfortable and relaxed with your own parents who you've known all your life, and if you always have to match every visit to your own parents, with a visit to the in laws, you'll be exhausted x

Fine to cancel if you don't fancy it. But you shouldn't have offered in the first place if you knew you didn't want to go so you will need to do an alternative date. When you get older and more experienced as a parent you learn just to say no to things you don't want to do and not to feel guilty at putting your own feelings first. The kids will surely see ILs when DH takes them.

Your husband sounds really selfish. Why is it your responsibility to arrange visits with his family?

However, I think it would be really unfair to cancel now when they are presumably looking forward to the visit. You should have arranged it for a time you were happy with in the first place. Or said their son would visit instead/with you at a later date. The issue is changing the goal posts.

Sod that. You are visiting your parents who have known you your whole life, who presumably you feel at ease with, who will help with the kids and let you relax a little.

His parents, his responsibility/problem.

Yeah. I think it’s seriously unfair to favour one set of GP’s over another.

But splitting out the visits is fine, very unsettling for the kids to have two visits so close together.

If it's anything like my MIL, it's the children she wants time with, not you particularly. Can DH take them for a night so you can have a rest? She would probably love that.
If you go, just make it one night, with DH. You don't owe her anything.

I hope all the posters who are contradicting me are pausing to consider their views. One day you might be in MiL’s shoes.

Well you sound happy @Happyhappyday. Not. This is about children who need GP. Do you treat your children fairly? Why should GP be treated differently? Why is there an excuse with in-laws but not parents?

Her husband can do that, with or without OP. It's not her job.

Because her in-laws aren't her parents? Can't you see how one set of older people isn't interchangeable with another?

Yes, you should be able, just as much as DH, to speak about your plans with your children and visits to MIL.

Be honest. Postpone the visit to MIL. Explain that the visit to your folks will be an experiment and you need to see how you all cope. If it goes well you stilll need more time before holidaying again - to reconnect with DH and have appointments, vaccinations, parties etc.
You can refer to your calendar without giving details about it.

Take charge of your own program. Consider youself and DH and kids foremost.
MIL will understand. She will also accept a day visit, meeting in the middle for catch ups or a one night stay.
Never forget that your PIL adore their grandchildren just as much as your parents do. The children love both sets of grandparents too.

That’s ridiculous. Most of us find it easier to stay with our own parents…

I think reasonable to cancel but I’d honestly be pushing for my DH to take them. His parents, why do you have to do the visit?!

At which point do parents become less important than their children when GP/GC relationships are being developed?
OP isn’t just spending time with her mother. She’s taking the DC to GM.

Of course it's totally different to spend time with your own mother than with someone else's, even if it's your DH's.

I think you’d be very unfair to change the dates for staying with your in-laws. If it’s too much to spend time with them, why isn’t it too much to be with your mother for three nights? These are opportunities for your DC to develop relationships with their GP. Are you being selective?
You seem to be searching for something wrong with your in-laws such as the way they were with you when you were pregnant.

You can just tell her and not worry too much about whether she can cope with it like a grown up. That's on her really.

However, if you think the trip will be good, if it's really about being overwhelmed by everything, not a reluctance to visit MiL, you can also just slow down everything else to give yourself the space to enjoy the trip.

For the future, though, it's absolutely fine for you to point out to DH and his MiL, (though perhaps with more tactful wording) that - No, you going to his mum's, especially without him, is absolutely nothing like you going to your mums. You aren't just a child delivery person facilitating grandparent relationships. You have your own relationship with your mum that is special and irreplaceable and important to you. And that is a major part of your visit to see her. So you will not be doing tit for tat visits. He will need to put in some effort if he wants his children to have the same relationship with his parents.

I think your feeling that your DH is trying to dump his difficult relationship with his parents on you is likely valid. It does sound exactly like that. Can't imagine him giving it headspace if the situation were reversed. The question is how do you want your relationship with MiL to be? Because it sounds a little like you are concerned about the fall out if it's left up to him, and if you do leave it up to him you're going to have to let that issue go and just accept it. While you don't have to do it, you can't insist he does it your way. You may not be okay with that.