AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

Especially as DH doesn't want to be involved in any "visiting" of his own parents. The only person they should be upset with is DH. It shouldn't solely be on you.

Set boundaries, if DH wants them to see the GC regularly then he needs to be there to facilitate that too. Not think its a way to get uou snd kids out of the house longer so he can have some peaceful days to himself...as that's what he has managed to achieve here.

I'd strongly suggest that you tell them due to circumstances you'll need to postpone. And maybe they could come to you while DH is home or he can take the eldest for the weekend.

Your husband needs to be doing more and he needs to see you as an actual person with feelings rather than someone to give him the things he wants in life. If he is too busy to be a Dad, he shouldn't have created two children so close in age.

Hi PIL. Just letting you know im sadly going to have to put the visit on hold. DH will be in touch in a few weeks to see if he can schedule something in. Kindest regards You.

Behave yourself! She's run ragged and getting dictated to who she has to spend time with. She's allowed some bloody agency to rearrange when shes not feeling so under the kosh with other commitments.

I would definitely be looking for some kind of compromise, either staying a shorter time, rescheduling or adding DH to the visit. 2 under 2 is very intense and the grandparents may not be adequately prepared for it. While it is good to try and be as equal as possible with both sets of grandparents, going tit for tat while both children are so small isn't the best way to go about it, particularly when DH apparently can't bear to spend time with his own parents but thinks you must.

Is it just me that's shocked that your husband doesn't want to go and see his parents but expects you to go - with 2 little children - by yourself?
I wouldn't go unless he was going and even then I'd reconsider this particular visit since you're already visiting your own parents.
how has this situation arisen that you have become support staff for maintaining a relationship between your children and husbands family.
It's so crazy I can't quite believe it's real.
Unless you are in the kind of relationship that means you are scared to say no to your husband? In which case that's a different issue

Rather than cancel, ask to rearrange. Then they know you still want to see them.

This has to stop. Your DH has got to take responsibility for the relationship. They are HIS parents and don’t sound that easy. In all my time with my partner he has arranged every visit, bought every card and present and dealt with everything to do with my in laws. You have a lot on your plate, no way should this be your “job” too.

Plus what is his logic for why YOU should go when he doesn’t want to? Completely selfish and manipulative (oh but they want to see the kids).

And, to top it off, it sounds like the in-laws are just being competitive.

The one point I don’t agree with you on is that your 2 yr old shouldn’t go on their own with your DH. Yes they may be clingy but they would likely be fine after a couple of hours. Then you could have some 1-1 time with the 2 yr old once they come back and DH can take the baby. Plus it gives your DH an insight into how hard it is being away from home with young kids, and in the future you can just refer requests for visits straight to him (“Oh I am not sure what we are up to that weekend- have you checked with Dave?”).

This is spot on. You need to prioritise yourself

Why doesn’t he want to see his parents? Given he doesn’t, can he explain why you and the children apparently should?

I hope you feel the majority of the replies are validating your position.

As for the posters berating you for being unfair, it’s odd they’re not bothered about blaming your husband for not wanting a relationship with his family while making it your job.

I don’t think you need to do this trip. If you cancel what’s the worst that’ll happen? You’re an adult, you’re a parent, you’re in charge of your time, not your weird husband or his mum and dad.

I think it is a shame you can’t just suck it up and do the visit to in laws seeing as you’ve agreed to it. If it was me I’d do it and learn from my mistake as in don’t arrange to be away too much in a short space of time.
If you insist on cancelling then make sure you reschedule in the same conversation as I think this may go some way to mitigating their disappointment.

When that time comes I won’t be expecting my dil to facilitate visits I’d be expecting my son to be a man and want to visit us with his children and not put all responsibility onto his wife.

as a dil with children I wouldn’t even think to visit mil without dh with us.

There's an awful lot in your last post about what other people want and very little about what you want. It sounds like you're expected to work around everyone else with no consideration for yourself. Put a stop to that now before it becomes so ingrained that you think it's normal.

OP is a person.

She is a person under a lot of pressure at the moment and her DH has bloody delegated communications with his own parents to her.

Honestly @ThisSparklySwan it was a huge mistake to let your DH get away with this and I would be handing it straight back to him. It is also fine for you to feel more comfortable staying alone with the children with your own parents than with his. “Fairsies” is him staying with his parents with or without the children.

You need to stand up for yourself more and just tell them that while it was a kind offer from them, you shouldn’t have agreed to it and it’s too much, particularly so close to having spent days away at your parents.

Your DH is a cheeky fucker.

Book I. A vaccine appointment for one of your children, even theoretically. Then DHA can take the kids when the are old enough r be without you. Going altogether on a weekend is fine. DH just wanted 3 nights leave to himself

It’s a bit rich for your DH to say he doesn’t want to go 😹. He doesn’t get to opt out in this situation

The posts that suggest that DH take the DC to see his family are a bit bizarre. Did you not spot that the second child is only 3 months old?

OP has started this story 'late last year' with the pregnancy and house move. What happened before that, when there was only one DC? Were GP treated equally then or have you always favoured your side?

There availability isn't on uou though. From now on offer up dates and if it doesn't suit them then it's on them to arrange. Stop rearranging your life around them.
If they want yo visit and see Grandbabies they need to fit around you.

A simple sorry that doesn't work for me, I have these dates free.

Also let DH sort it ftom now. It shouldn't all be on you.

OP, this has made me so cross on your behalf. It sounds like you are trying so hard to accommodate everyone and facilitate the relationships, but nobody is trying to meet you halfway.

Please don't feel bad about putting yourself first. You're a mum to two very young children, it is so important that you don't bend over backwards trying to please everyone else. Your focus should be your wellbeing and your kids' wellbeing.

After reading about them putting other plans ahead of you (and by extension, your convenience) I'd drop the rope with the in laws and personally I wouldn't feel bad about it either.

If they won’t change plans, why should you?
Find mutually convenient dates. You aren’t in a rush to see them anyway.

I have two DILs and I'm not in MIL's shoes because I'm not an over-bearing nightmare who has brought up sons who think that it's OK to out-source their relationship with their mothers to their wives/partners.

One of my DILs is very close to her own family and they all do a lot together. That's fine with me. I have a very good relationship with her, she is a great partner for my son and a lovely mother to my grand-daughter.

I had suggested we all go for just the weekend, but PIL were not not happy with this and DH essentially said 'I don't want to go', after insisting I should go. This is the cause of a lot of my frustration around this visit!

In case you don't already know....This is very very strange behaviour. I dont know any families like this bar one. In that instance the parents and child are NC and the spouse take the GC over...

I suggest you directly liaise with in laws on dates they visit you going forward and inform dh post fact. This is contrary to MN wisdom but I was getting shafted (similar to you now) letting "dh deal with his family" so I do it directly... i book it out in advance say 2 days not 4 etc. and can manage my weekends a lot better.

Talk to them on this upcoming trip about autumn and christmas and lock in dates now

Another one for rescheduling rather than cancelling, as you’ve “got carried away and now you’ve realised the practicalities of being away from home for that long in quick succession, is just too much “