To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

Agree. I also had the impression that OP is a people pleaser to a certain extent. I suggested CBT from personal experience because it was life changing for me when I learned to understand and control the thought patterns leading to problem behaviours. It sounds as though OP has insight into her behaviour, but at the moment she’s feeling sorry for herself - understandable initially, but now she needs to get control and change things.

In our area we have an excellent self referral service via a private provider, in partnership with the NHS so it’s free at the point of delivery. Hopefully there will be something similar for OP because I really think she would benefit.

OP I’ve suggested mental health help. Not because I think you’re mentally ill, but because your mental health is being affected by the situation, and if it continues, it will get worse and you’ll find yourself on anti anxiety meds just to get through the day. You need counselling and preferably CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to identify and learn to deal with thought patterns leading to problem behaviours so you can take control instead of letting the issues control you, as you are doing now. That’s the issue here.

You don’t need mental health treatment - you don’t have an illness - but it would do you a lot of good to have some psychodynamic or relational therapy. You’ve been conditioned to believe that your needs are not important and you’re there to serve others. It takes a bit to unravel that: knowing it intellectually doesn’t break the spell. It’s wired into your nervous system to behave in certain ways otherwise you feel guilty, ashamed, unworthy. This isn’t your fault - you imagine how much negative training two dysfunctional parents could offer throughout an entire childhood - but it is something only you can address.

You would be doing your daughter a massive favour as you don’t want to her to be a selfish prick like her dad or someone who has no boundaries like you.

Blocking him is not a long term answer - he’s your daughter’s father after all. But learning appropriate responses will be really valuable to you. For example I bet you really struggle to say no to people. Or to say what you want. This can change and be life changing. BUT speak to someone who specialises in working with dysfunctional families. AND make sure you really feel comfortable with the therapist - try a few out before you decide.

Good luck OP.

@Emotionstorn you asked up thread 'when is it gonna be my turn?'

It will be your turn as soon as you decide to put you and your child first. That's in your power. You make the decision and you stick to it.

Incidentally, I am a retired psychotherapist who worked with young people. IMO one of the worst experiences a child can have is parents who split up and reconcile. It's so unsettling for them, they don't know who or what they can rely on.

This man should be your ex and your DC's dad. How he chooses to be a dad isn't in your control. Let him do his thing (and pay for it) and you focus on being a consistent and loving single mum.

That’s completely irrelevant.

OP can buy her child whatever she likes. She works for her money and can treat her daughter to things if she wishes.

The only person that can change this situation is you and it starts with the word no. He allowed you to pay for his fuel and his night out while he had enough money to spend on himself not his child. He probably makes you pay as he thinks he is giving you money. But it’s supposed to be for dd. I expect you have allowed this behaviour for dd to have a family situation. It needs to stop op boundaries in place. I wonder if you are as angry with yourself for allowing it.

OP, look at the comments you’ve made about yourself - you clearly have insight into what you’re doing and how damaging it is, so instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself (not trying to be mean, but that’s how some of your posts read) put the insight to good use. Only you can change things - he’s not going to because frankly he’s got it made, and he knows it.

I really I think you need some professional counselling OP because there’s a lot to unpick. You clearly have unresolved issues with your parents, which are likely feeding into this and there are other factors you’ve mentioned in various updates.

You need to get to the bottom of why you have so little sense of self worth that you’ve been treated like an ATM the first time around, broken up and now you’re reconciling even though nothing has changed. Now you have the proof that he’s a selfish twat. This man extracts every penny out of you even though he’s working full time, he doesn’t contribute nearly enough for your DD and he’s shown no sign of even trying to change - and yet he can afford to indulge himself in a holiday. You sound surprised that you didn’t know anything about it - why ? It’s who he is. Why exactly are you reconciling. What do you get out of it?

Ask your GP about counselling/CBT. In some areas you can self refer, so have a google. CBT would be helpful because instead of talking therapy it forces you to confront your issues and explore why you behave the way you do, and concentrates on changing thought processes leading to those behaviours. It can be life changing if you engage with it properly. But before you do that, kick this piece of shit to the kerb, he’s not going to change and it won’t get better.

Your 7yo daughter has a ps5?!

It's a cliche, but true that if you always do what you've always done, you'll only ever get what you've always got. Just because things have been a certain way in the past, doesn't mean they will always be that way, you CAN change them. You might need counselling or therapy to help you get some of the way, but you've already recognised unhelpful influences amd patterns in your life so far. What you do next is the most important thing. Don't let your daughter see the example of her mother being rinsed by a man and thinking that's normal be something she remembers and normalises. Change it, get rid of the useless, freeloading, selfish arsehole. And yeah, get the CSA more involved. If he can afford Benidorm, he can afford more for his child.

Darling please embrace this difficult painful moment as a reality check, and promise you'll never do this to you again.

Your daughter is not stupid and at some point she'll understand your reasons. The fake happy family might make her even more resentful than a mom with a fighting spirit against abuse, giving her a good example.

I come from tons of family abuse and the only step to do is to acknowledge the financial and emotional abuse as the first step to get out of it.
He is what he is but it's also your tendency to underestimate yourself who led to this situation, so the first thing to do is orient your rage in the right direction rather than feeling guilty for feeling this way .

Wish you the best.

You’ve slipped into a victim mentality. Just make decision that from now on things change. Set boundaries. Your daughter has a shit father, you cannot change that. What you can be is an excellent role model of what a resilient woman looks like who doesn’t need a deadbeat in her life.
If you can afford it, get some counselling to work on your boundaries and self esteem.

May I recommend an alpine "Kinderhotel" or somewhere in Denmark like billund for Legoland. Both will be well set up for kids for your first trip abroad

Stop acting like a sap and put yourself first. Buying treats and/or essentials for a grown man is absolutely soft behaviour from you and in some ways you may be subconsciously attempting to buy his affections? Have you considered that? Do some work on yourself. Kindly.

He’s a waste of space, do not give him another penny. Good you have blocked him.

Pull your big girl pants up and don’t let him walk all over you again. Send him a message saying ‘from now on your not helping him out in any way, if he wants to take dd out then he pays for it and he takes her in his own, no more hand outs and you will be going to CSA to ask them to assess how much he should be paying towards dd’. You don’t need him to have a good time with dd, he’s using you.

My ex has always paid a similar amount for 2 DC’s (£100 each per month), he sees them once a week for 5 hours, though he now only sees one as dd1 is an adult and doesn’t want much to do with him. I know you want to protect your dd and you don’t want her to see what a waste of space her father is, but she will work it out (both of mine did) and it will be on him, not you. You have allowed Constance and that’s all you need to do.

He won’t change, so stop thinking he will and stop thinking you will work it out. He’s already proved himself to be a waste of space and a user by not providing for his dd and taking your money.

You don’t need him to be there for your daughter to have a nice day out. You just take her. Do you have a job? Do you drive?

It’s hard and you’ve clearly been shaped by past bad experiences with him and your parents, but all that matters now is your decisions. I wouldn’t show him
you’re angry, I wouldn’t even block him-he’ll probably enjoy that drama. Just get on with your life. Spend that money you would have given him for trainers (why?!) and everything else on you and your child or savings or a holiday-extract yourself from this deadbeat and move on.

@Emotionstorn you said you are 'conditioned' to put up with crap people. Maybe you need therapy to change that conditioning.
Pretending to be a happy family is also not going to be good for your daughter long term.
Lastly there are some great online forums to supports autistic people who struggle with unhealthy relationships and understanding why.

Well done. That's a strong first step.

Of course he will probably try to wheedle his way back in.

Why wouldn't he? You pay for all his stuff so he can use his own money on a holiday!

Could you write down how you are feeling right now, so when he tries to get back in your life you can read it and find the strength to tell him to fuck off?

Your DD unfortunately won't benefit from a dad who is only in her life because you are paying him to be.

You can change what happens from now on. Do not give him any money and do not go on trips together. He can take your child out alone. If he can’t afford anything then they can go for a walk in the park. Do not allow him to manipulate you into paying for stuff. He obviously has money as he’s on holiday abroad! He would just prefer not to pay towards the child! Horrible and shocking behaviour on his part. It is not your job to make sure your child has happy experiences with her dad! Only he can do that. I would not allow him into my house either so it’s understood by all, we are not together. You can do better.

Reply OK- when you send me the £££ for trainers, cinema, petrol etc etc

You sound very kind and generous but he does not deserve a minute of your time or a penny of your money.

Your life is not shit x you have a children, a home, a job...he's unlikely to change based on his past behaviours. I would say cut your losses and move on - see him for what he is. He's using you. You can, and will, do better x

You’ve sought to try to see the best in someone and can see now this man is not worth it. That’s on him. But use the anger you feel now to make positive choices for you. There is no reason you need to be giving him money. He is a grown man who can get his own petrol. I’d suggest counselling of some kind to work out why you have sought to spend money on him in this way. I say this without judgment. We all have stuff from when we were younger that feeds into how we act now. But you need to be able to see it and understand it to some degree to stop it. You need to be co parents and no more. Dont try to work him out or hope he’ll change etc because his behaviour is well below the bar of basic decency that to have to explain it to him is an utter waste of time. You can only control your own actions and responses. Good luck x

Not long st all when I did it.

Tbh your a fool to continue paying second time around

Read the book “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. You will find it incredibly insightful. The book could have been written about you!