To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

First of all stop bankrolling this loser. Dont entertain him. Dont let him into your home. Get your child mantainence sorted out and also his parental access into a strict routine. Dont communicate with him at all except child related issues. Get out there start living again

Yes, CBT and ACT may well both help you. You can start with looking at some online resources. There's plenty out there, dating from 2020 and the pandemic, when so much was invested on online material being available.

When you are ready to learn to better manage those 'tense and unbearable' feelings that seem to be sabotaging your life, a technique called EMDR might be very helpful. Worth a look.

And good luck, @Emotionstorn. You deserve a break. Make sure you have all the twat's work details, NI number etc, to make your CMS claim. Mine took 5 weeks from first claim to first payment. It was double what I was getting before.

This. You can’t change the past, but you can change life for the future.

Your daughter deserves a better example than the one you are showing her.

Dump him, stop wallowing, get a grip, and stop being a doormat. Just concentrate on your daughter.

OP when you try to buy Love all you really get is Contempt.

Spend some money on getting therapy to unpick the damage you have from your Mum.

He will try and charm his way back into your life because he wants your money.

You will attract these awful people because you signal your neediness. It will happen again until you get your MH sorted.

Do it for your child if not for yourself.

This isn't about having the worst luck in relationships. You are choosing this relationship. You know what he's like and you are still ploughing ahead. That's not bad luck. That's making a bad choice. Stop sabotaging yourself.

The Netherlands could work too. The Efteling theme park is great for a 9/10 year old (fairy tale themed), Amsterdam looks cute, their autumn half term is usually before the UK (12-23 Oct) so it'll be quiet. Similar weather to Berlin. Berlin food/accommodation cost are probably cheaper though.

Never, ever buy that wanker anything again. Spend that love and money on your daughter - or put it in a savings account.

@Emotionstorn use this anger in a positive way.

Accept you have been a pushover and manipulated by this man.

But tell yourself it is NOT going to happen any more. New day, new you. Be assertive.

Set yourself some rules. Write them down.

• do not give him any money or pay for anything for him.
• do not spend time together with him. You are not a family so do not play happy families. He has your DD on his days and it"s up to him to entertain her, feed her etc... he pays for stuff on his time.

Good luck!

I would keep that information to myself if I were you. You can't control what he does with the information once he has it, and it might be fed back to your child with a nasty spin on it.

Nothing is wrong with you that can’t be fixed.

Let’s start with the positives,

you are single handedly raising a healthy, happy and much loved child.

you are a kind person who wants everyone to feel wanted and loved

you try to see the best in everyone and work hard to show people they are valued and worth caring about ( even when they try their best to prove you wrong!)

So your starting place for change is very positive, you have energy, you have commitment. What you need to do is recognise a few truths.

your ex is not going to change and accept a parental role voluntarily or even involuntarily, this is his loss but not your responsibility.

your child will benefit from your example of being a strong parent.

your child will not benefit from you trying to force a relationship with someone who does not understand or care what being a good parent is about. He will always fall at the first hurdle, will always let your child down, will not be a good model for resilience, hard work and kindness. He is not worth the effort you are putting in.

First steps

stop paying this man for being a lousy parent

contact CSA

look in the mirror and know that you are looking at a warrior queen

I think the original posters wording was slightly off calling it mental health instead of therapy or counselling which when already upset and angry probably just set you off a bit.

Counselling can be a great addition to anybody life and will give you a safe private space to openly talk about childhood, your relationship and might give you some ideas for coping mechanisms for when he inevitably does stupid annoying selfish things going forward.

Berlin is a fabulous city with a lot of history.

Don’t get back with him , his loving life only sees child with you , but freedom to do as he pleases. Set up proper visitation so he has his child alone . His walking all over you .

Stop with the role playing happy family. It doesn't exist.

Start over with you and her. He takes her out alone, without you, in tow, paying. He pays for what they do. The park is free, if he has no money.

Stop enabling him to be a sponging asshole

@Emotionstorn - I hope you did manage to get some sleep in the end.

Firstly, I do NOT think you overreacted or did anything wrong, and blocking this cocklodger was 100% the right thing to do.

Secondly, I know you got upset when someone suggested you might need mental health support, but I do wonder if counselling is something that might be helpful for you - not because you got angry last night, but because you had a difficult childhood, and it might help if you worked through your parents' actions and how they have affected you, so that you can build healthy relationships in the future.

Please know, I am NOT saying there is anything wrong with you - I just think that dealing with your past will help you to have a better future.

I wish you well.

So don't allow your daughter to live with a man who emotionally abuses you. Get yourself some therapy, apply for proper CMS payments (there is no way £200 a month is supporting your daughter if he doesn't take her), and try to agree proper access (where he takes her out without you).

You won't feel better overnight but for both yours and your daughters sake, let today be the day you take control! It can only get better...

I know. I just thought at 7, it might be a little young to start gaming. But thats fine.

I've not read all the thread yet.

Do The Freedom Programme. It is well known that if you have had one abusive relationship you have a higher chance of another. If you've had two then that chance ramps up. Three and it's higher still. You need to break the cycle, learn to see red flags and how to enforce healthy boundaries.

Your DD will learn from you what a relationship should look like when she looks for a partner - show her healthy ones otherwise she will end up angry and abused too. For now do the Programme and stop giving him money even if you think DD will benefit (she won't). She doesn't need him in her life so stop buying him.

You have to be strong for your DD. Stop attempting to reconcile with an absolute manchild like this. Find some self worth. Get your DD a passport, book a holiday (pay in instalments if necessary), make yourself a priority as much as your DD- forget him. Contact CMS so they can properly calculate what he should be paying and ensure he does pay. Reclaim your life.

Stop wasting another penny on this scumbag. He's taking advantage of you 😞

Weather-wise, Paris is as gloomy as Berlin in late October, and Oslo won’t have guaranteed snow that early. Rome is now always heaving with tourists. Go wherever YOU want, OP. Who cares is the weather isn’t perfect? You don’t go to Berlin for the sunshine @TreeDudette but for the hundreds of things to do and see in such a historical and cultural city.

You are paying for the fairytale, for your daughter to think that she is part of a happy family. At some point she will figure out her father only "stepped up" (he didn't) if there was something in it for him and that is going to hurt. You are also giving part of yourself away in all this.
Do both you and your daughter a favour. Drop the rope and let him pick up the slack. He either shows up and behaves like a loving father or he doesn't (I think that is more likely). Either way that is on him and you get to keep your money and dignity. Concentrate on you and DD this guy is a sponge. I can't believe the fucking cheek of him saying you should be happy for him.
Stay strong, you can do this.