To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

You are still believing he has morals or that he'll feel guilty or will suddenly care but abusers don't think like normal people, autistic or not. They are ultimately very selfish and don't care who they hurt, destroy even, to get what they want whether that is sex, money or to get someone who will do anything, absolutely anything, for them. They don't and won't care. They are in the same mindset as criminals, you think drug dealers or shoplifters or rapists care what others think of them? Same with him, because as an abusive man he IS a criminal. Once you accept that, his hold over you should lessen hopefully.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The thought you’ve just voiced in this post is a positive one if you can use it to start to change your behaviour. You know he’s selfish, you know he has no conscience so how can you go on letting him treat you like this ? What are you going to do about it ? You are the only one who can change this - he will continue for as long as you allow it because he’s onto a good thing and he knows it. That’s what’s driving his behaviour. You need to find out what has been driving yours all this time in allowing it.

You can self refer for NHS talking therapies. Please do this OP as therapy in this situation would be so valuable. CBT may help or you may be referred for more traditional talking therapy. It does not cost anything as is via the NHS. I’ve used it myself twice and it has been incredibly helpful. Just search “NHS talking therapies self refer” and then your borough and you should find the relevant webpage.

It's going to be your turn once you truly decide it's your turn.

You can get information online OP. Link below.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Don’t let him play that game - it is him, not you. He didn’t tell you because he knew how outrageous and way beyond unreasonable it is for him to do this. Put the spotlight on his behaviour, not yours. You’re just getting on with being a great mum. Sounds like you’ll be able to do that even better without him in your life - other than him starting to pay you more than £50 a week to support his own daughter!

CBT was life changing for me. It’s basically talking therapy but it can be a difficult process sometimes because you have to be honest with yourself in identifying problem behaviours and then examining the thought processes responsible for them, and looking at ways in which you can often be the one putting obstacles in the way of what you want/need without actually realising it.

The idea is that your thoughts, feelings and actions are connected, and CBT is designed to equip you with lifelong coping skills by breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings leading to these problem behaviours. You need to be prepared to face up to issues and take practical steps - for example, setting small, manageable goals and exposing yourself to situations that can be triggers for you, and learning strategies to cope.

OP start by googling CBT - there are many articles available online and then maybe approach your GP to see if there are any self referral services in your area. If not, then there are services available online. There are a couple of links below to get you started.

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

https://www.moodcafe.co.uk/further-resources/online-counselling-cbt/

CBT was life changing for me. It’s basically talking therapy but it can be a difficult process sometimes because you have to be honest with yourself in identifying problem behaviours and then examining the thought processes responsible for them, and looking at ways in which you can often be the one putting obstacles in the way of what you want/need without actually realising it.

The idea is that your thoughts, feelings and actions are connected, and CBT is designed to equip you with lifelong coping skills by breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings leading to these problem behaviours. You need to be prepared to face up to issues and take practical steps - for example, setting small, manageable goals and exposing yourself to situations that can be triggers for you, and learning strategies to cope.

OP start by googling CBT - there are many articles available online and then maybe approach your GP to see if there are any self referral services in your area. If not, then there are services available online. There are a couple of links below to get you started.

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

https://www.moodcafe.co.uk/further-resources/online-counselling-cbt/

Find a counsellor who specialises in working with ND clients, invest your money on that.

You are not responsible to plug the gap for his inadequacies. Don't prop him up with money. Focus on u and your daughter. If he says he can't take her out unless u give him the money- don't succumb. If your daughter does not have as many nice experiences, that's ok. It's better all round if u are not feeling resentment .

You are a backup when there is no one else, when you realise this and don’t accept it, you’ll be able to move on.

I am the same. I ended up doing the freedom program last year and it has really helped me realise that you can’t fix people and that you don’t have to try. You are more important.

Lesson learnt, don’t feel bad about it. It sounds like you were trying to do best for your daughter. Going forward you know what you need to do, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Oh, OP 💐

You don't need us telling you he's a user, a loser, etc and that you need to kick him out of your life. But as someone who has also struggled with boundaries, for similar reasons, I know how hard it is in the moment to put your foot down. I think people who are wired up more "normally" can really struggle to understand just how impossible this feels.

I once read something about having grown up understanding that love requires you to put in massive effort in order to get something, anything, in return. This is a really hard pattern to break and it doesn't happen overnight.

It's such a cliché to say that the person you really need to love is yourself. For me, maintaining boundaries could only mean one thing: avoiding people who take advantage of my kindness. I knew I was never going to master the subtle art of sticking up for myself. This resulted in a very solitary life for many years.

I'm now happily married, to someone who always looks out for me and has my back. It took me years to get used to this. But the only reason he's in my life is that by the time I met him, I'd grown to enjoy my life alone so much that the last thing I wanted was someone throwing a spanner in the works.

It's not a popular view, but I'd echo @Hollycoco in recommending AI (I use Copilot) to talk things through, validate your feelings and start recognising patterns.

Don't be ashamed of being "weak." You are kind and competent. Build from that understanding, and stop putting yourself in situations that hurt you and erode your sense of self. Protect and nurture that sense of self. Give it all the attention and nourishment you normally send outwards to people like him. He doesn't deserve it. You do. Start now.

@Emotionstorn why are you buying him treats? He’s not a dog. He is a parent. He can find time with his child on his watch. Just cut him out. Do not reconcile with this. Absolute waste of space.

My god.

girl, keep that anger & never let it subside towards that actual waste of space. Do not spend another penny on that man.

do not reconcile, he is using you for money.

this is not a co-parenting relationship, its a cluster fuck!!

Time to get a parenting app for communication, when he comes back, you need to draw up a schedule for splitting care of your child. Check the CMA website, if it says you should get more, get your maintenance there.

He is paying you £200 but getting back so much more, watch he doesn’t stop paying when you cut him off.

I’m pissed off on your behalf!!

You need to refocus. You are not a happy family and sadly you will never be, not with him anyway. So focus on giving your daughter the best life as a single parent. Forget reconciling - I suspect that was in your head but not his. He clearly doesn't want to be in your lives full time, he's just doing enough to keep you around, get money from you and avoid paying child support. Be clear with him that the relationship is over, stop entertaining hime, and do not give him anything. He can take dd to the park if he can't afford to take her out, you should only pay for days out etc for the two of you. The only contact that you need to have with him is about your daughter.

I’m sorry @Emotionstorn he is a scumbag user. Don’t let him take advantage of you.

Don’t buy him anything. Don’t do anything with him at all - not even with DD. Stop letting him use you as his bank account.

If need be, limit contact to one of those parenting apps and, as others suggest, make sure you are getting the maximum from him.

He sounds vile and will be a terrible role model for DD.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with him.

I was shocked at how quick CMS was. I filled out the forms online and by the morning he had an email about it and within about a week or so we had the calculations. Absolutely do it OP. Also stop funding him. I know it’s hard but imagine an upside down pyramid. Right now you give your most DD and the middle to him and the tiny point to yourself. Give your daughter and you the main bits and knock him off altogether. He’s not worth it. He won’t change. You are in control of your own destiny.

I am older than you now but I was your daughter when I was a child. I can describe to you in vivid detail the day my mum stopped trying to reconcile and put me first. From then on, my life was entirely different and for the better.

Any communication between the two of them was through a third party so it couldn’t escalate or manipulate. Before that day, everything that put the two of them together did one or the other and often both - escalation and manipulation - and I was left in the middle of it. It made the world very, very difficult to understand because it normalised things that should not be normal. I assumed all families played mind games, all women had zero self esteem and never stood up for themselves, all children with split up parents were waiting for this magic day when they would resolve all their arguments and live together in a happy family. The patterns your daughter is witnessing are forming her opinion of how the world works. Do you want her to think a woman’s role in life is to just answer yes to men no matter what? I am sure you do not.

Stick with the decision you’ve made right now. Do not waver. You say you are a people pleaser, but it’s impossible to please all of the people all of the time. Choose the most important person in this situation: put your daughter’s needs first. Bonus: in setting things right for her, you will also make steps for yourself.

Yes CBT can most CERTAINLY help with low self esteem and feeling you must please people. Yes, yes, and yes. It will take time and it may take trying a few different people if you don’t gel well, but it really will help. (Also can I just say I think the suggestion to use AI as a sort of free therapist was well intentioned, but it is not a strong choice in your situation. AI is trained to be a sort of mirror and programmed to be a people pleaser actually! It’s not going to push you to positive change if you keep talking to it without a lot of confidence, and there is proof there is nowhere near enough safeguarding in place with AI to keep it giving you safe advice. Please try to use real people - a mix of professionals and friends would be ideal.)

Do you have other adults in your life who are supportive and affirming? Family? Friends? The kind of person you can check in with daily? That could really help you stay on the path to building your confidence and creating a strong role model for your daughter in this new, secure era of your life. They could also give you the communication with adults you need in your life so you are less likely to fall back to your ex or jump into a new relationship too quickly. If you don’t have people in your life that fit this description, think about where in your life you might find them. It really is possible to make new friends as an adult - you just have to make an effort rather than a teacher putting you next to a new bestie in the seating plan. :)

I promise you my life was so much better from my mum drawing that line and sticking to that decision. I don’t think it was ever easy for her! But that little girl grew up adjusting that world view to one that was far healthier and learned, with a little trial and error, how to be part of a functioning relationship, and didn’t repeat the process for another generation. You will have hard days but your daughter is worth it. x