To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

I get why you are preoccupied with this as it feeds into your sense of fair play and justice. But a better approach for you longer term is to think about your values and the person you want to be. The reason for this is that you cannot change other people and it makes you feel powerless trying. But you can influence who you are and who you want to be and that includes being someone who both treats other people fairly but also has boundaries and self esteem and won’t let other people cross them.

Your (hopefully) ex (for good) will continue to try to use you and take advantage of you because that’s who he is. His values are just different to yours and it takes a hell of a lot to change that. I used to try for years to get people to see my perspective and change how they treated me but it was a waste of time and effort. What I should have been concentrating on was establishing my own boundaries and not letting people shift them. He won’t change because it suits him to be the way he is. He’ll either persuade you to put up with his appalling behaviour or he’ll find someone else who will.

It’s like trying on someone else’s glasses, you can’t see things through the way they do however hard ,you try.. You just have to accept they see things differently and surround yourself with people who have similar values to you.

If you want to move forward a starting point has to be: I am no longer going to live my life for other people. I am going to centre myself and my child in my own life. I am not going to pay for other adults’ lifestyles; I am not going to put myself out constantly to make their lives easier; I am going to make my life better so I can afford luxuries and holidays for me and my child rather than subsidising someone else’s which is what you’ve been doing in effect.

It’s not your fault you’ve developed those habits. Your parents conditioned you to put others first. But you’re the only one that can say enough is enough. No one can do that for you. It’s unfair and it’s shit but it’s the only way forward.

It’s taken me a long time but I’ve got rid of almost all self absorbed people in my life. I have divested myself of family members, a previous best friend and a host of acquaintances. But I feel so much more peace and the beauty is that much more generous spirited people have replaced them.

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time OP. It sounds like you’ve had a history of people, who should love and respect you, taking from you are not giving anything in return.

It’s understandable that the sense of injustice keeps intruding on your thoughts. I suggest you have a strategy for this along the lines of when you think these thoughts, you thank you memory for reminding you of what happened in your past so you don’t repeat it going forward. You can then redirect you thoughts to positive steps you are taking or can take to improve your quality of life.

With regard to your ex, it sounds like you are struggling to see how he can be in your daughter’s life but only minimally in your life. For a start, he should contribute financially, so do pursue CSA involvement. You don’t need to interact with him at all about this.

He should have a relationship with your daughter that is separate to your relationship with him. This involves him collecting her and then returning her to you. It doesn’t involve you being part of their time together or paying for their time together.

It’s not going to be easy, but I suggest you stop talking to him about what happened in the past between you and him. It’s over and you are putting a stop to any further opportunities for him to do the same again. When you talk to him about anything other than contact with your daughter, you are maintaining or reviving a type of relationship with him that isn’t healthy.

I hope he has a dodgy pint and gets the shits.

They feel sorry for themselves when called out and losing their cake and eating it situation which, may look like remorse with tears, apologies, etc. But it's not for you, it's not real.

No it becomes there normal life taking and taking.

No, never …
which is why nice people like you are always left in turmoil about the shit storms these wasters create.
You are doing so so well.
You’ve found your roar and you and your daughter will be sooooo much better off, happier and stronger without this extra man child draining your life.

Hi op he is a manipulative user. Just be glad you have seen the real him fuck him don’t respond to anything until you feel calm you still have your dd to think off. But right now make sure any treats are just for you and dd as her father is a tight selfish bastard. Get your trip away and get the 2 of you in a good place and do not go anywhere or pay for anything he has a responsibility to do things for his dd . Op he’s been using you but now you know not to reconcile and tell you dd she will be with her dad without you and you take time for yourself honestly he’s done you a favour by showing his true self. He has no respect for you. I get the low self worth but only you can fix this no man or parent can fix it. Sorry you had shit parents and partners.

@Emotionstorn - this all sounds so shit and I’m sorry you’re going through it. You’re really strong to be raising your DD with little to no input or support from him. Be proud of what you’re doing.

As a strong woman you can break this cycle -
you DO NOT NEED HIM. It sounds like you’re trying to ‘buy’ his approval in some way, or keep him happy (the undeserving wanker) and this undoubtedly stems from your experience growing up where you were conditioned to behave in a certain way. I’m not judging or criticising by the way, shitty role models can set us up for a lifetime of bad relationships and we just don’t know any different until a lightbulb moment like this. Lots of people who had good role models as parents don’t understand this at all. This is your lightbulb moment where the future can change for the better.

Please stay angry and channel that into totally separating from him. Let him do the planning and organising for contact and co-parent. Continue putting your time and energy in to DD and yourself - you both deserve better than him, he’s not really ‘adulting’. Book that holiday for October - you don’t even need to tell him - and have the best time.

YOU DO NOT NEED HIM OR HIS APPROVAL. You are more than enough for your DD, far more than enough.

Is he 16? You are already on the right path acknowledging that your experience of relationships is skewed. Try and get some help to keep on that path and learn to love yourself. I have two exH's for very different reasons to you, but the day I decided to be best friends either myself, I started to recover and from being positively suicidal - due to my emotional dependence on others, and allowing them to abuse me, I am now the happiest I have ever been in my life. There are so many things I should have done in the last 30 years, but I'm following my heart, doing them now, and I also decided I am better off mentally living alone. I have my dogs for company, a few old friends and my two DC live nearby. I work for myself in a creative capacity and can work whatever time I want within reason. I have recently learned to play the stock exchange and am very proud of that. For the love of God I can't understand how I allowed two other human beings (men) have so much control over my self esteem and life. Never again!

Firstly, I’m sending you a massive hug - you are doing brilliantly

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. This guy is an utter cockwomble…..what if this current situation is exactly what you need to move on?

You have seen him for what he is. You’ve seen his family for what they are. What if they have all done you a favour?

Spend all the money you aren’t now going to spend on him (or his family) on therapy for yourself, it will be worth its weight in gold. Find a therapist you like and trust, and don’t be afraid to change a few times until you get the right one. You can get over your upbringing and have a happy life, I promise you xx

Nothing is wrong with you. What a petty loser asking for £3. How embarrassing to even ask!

This time you’ll never go back there because you know that, if you do, you’re perpetuating the cycle for your daughter.

Now it is your turn to do for her what nobody did for you - teach her to have self worth and not keep going back to abusive men.

Just reply no sorry your also financially responsible for “our “ child and as for the treats stop buying him things!

Stay strong OP ❤️💪

Well done @Emotionstorn

You are taking your life back for you and your daughter and you ought to be immensely proud of yourself for that.

What a tosser sending a picture of the beach.
He thinks this is all a big laugh. Well, you'll have the last laugh.
Go girl 💪

Keep him blocked.

Please do apply for CSM Collect and Pay. Your child has a right to this money and you wouldn't need to have any contact with him.
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/payments

Well done for standing your ground. But don't let him get away with paying what your child is entitled to

He's a CF. Until you put a high value on yourself you will continue be taken advantage of by this selfish prick. Your worth so much more.

Tell him it's over, tell him not to come back to you after his holiday, and don't communicate any further with him except for arrangements about Dd, he's lying in the sun laughing at you.

You need proper counselling to understand why you do this, and to break the cycle. It will teach you good habits to pass on to your daughter

Put the whole man in the new food recycling bin, it's compostable, right where he belongs. You don't have time for another child like him