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Original poster

To not believe no dad is better

366 replies

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 20:54

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

OP posts:
Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 23:03

In love with him 😆 weve been separated a decade

OP posts:
Hallywally · 08/06/2026 22:55

I’m struggling to believe a woman has written this thread. Your view is so simplistic and focussed on giving the dad a chance rather than what’s right for the children, who deserve a stable settled life with people who value them enough to not dip in and out of their lives.

Are you still in love with him and hoping you’ll get back together? Absent fathers absolutely damage children but so do flakey unreliable men.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 22:03

But he won’t be having any physical contact until he’s shown he is consistent with phone calls and messages

OP posts:
Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 22:03

Well if he hasn’t at least there won’t be any great mystery surrounding him

OP posts:
TheWineoftheChicken · 08/06/2026 21:56

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:25

Thats why I won’t be rushing anything and he will need to prove consistency first.

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I hope, for your children's’ sakes, that he has changed.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:46

Lavender14 · 08/06/2026 21:41

How do you prove consistency though?

Surely that involves allowing him back into your kids lives to an extent and if he then fails to follow through you realise their hopes have been raised and then let down? How many times do you expect your kids to go through that and be okay?

Of course most seperated parents sort out custody between them, where its safe and amicable enough to do so.

To be honest you say you just aren't anti-fathers but you are actually coming across anti-mother in your posts. Do you really believe that most women who decline contact between their ex and children are just spiteful? When you consider the rates of domestic abuse being 1 in 4 women in the UK? The prevalence of substance misuse or significant ill mental health? I feel like most women who block contact are doing it because they have very legitimate concerns for their child's safety and the women who do that out of spite are in the significant minority. Being a lone mother is very tough I don't think anyone chooses to do it alone if there's a willing and appropriate co parent available there.

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Actually when a lot of women find out my kids father isnt involved i get “wow you’re so lucky” “wish my kids dad wasnt involved” then when you think oh was he abusive you get told no I just hate having to share them! I just want them to myself! I think wow it’s clear there are women out there that just don’t want their ex around.

and how I prove consistency that will be starting with phone calls and emails to begin with, at set times a week.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 08/06/2026 21:41

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:25

Thats why I won’t be rushing anything and he will need to prove consistency first.

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How do you prove consistency though?

Surely that involves allowing him back into your kids lives to an extent and if he then fails to follow through you realise their hopes have been raised and then let down? How many times do you expect your kids to go through that and be okay?

Of course most seperated parents sort out custody between them, where its safe and amicable enough to do so.

To be honest you say you just aren't anti-fathers but you are actually coming across anti-mother in your posts. Do you really believe that most women who decline contact between their ex and children are just spiteful? When you consider the rates of domestic abuse being 1 in 4 women in the UK? The prevalence of substance misuse or significant ill mental health? I feel like most women who block contact are doing it because they have very legitimate concerns for their child's safety and the women who do that out of spite are in the significant minority. Being a lone mother is very tough I don't think anyone chooses to do it alone if there's a willing and appropriate co parent available there.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:25

TheWineoftheChicken · 08/06/2026 21:20

How do you know he’s changed? What has he done to prove it?

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Thats why I won’t be rushing anything and he will need to prove consistency first.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:25

I had a step dad and he was fantastic!

OP posts:
TheWineoftheChicken · 08/06/2026 21:20

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 18:54

People do change you know, they wouldn’t be handed over to a “stranger” as I’d be there for the first few times

How do you know he’s changed? What has he done to prove it?

Laurmolonlabe · 08/06/2026 21:19

Often wishful thinking, I think.
It's simply a statistical fact that stepparents are hundreds of times more likely to be abusive than natural parents.
I have rarely met anyone with a step parent Including myself who experience no abuse of any kind from them.
Parents are hardwired to favour children genetically related to them, no amount of argument can change that.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/06/2026 21:08

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:03

And you don’t think they still think that If they go forever? My son said to me once he is surprised his father never tried to find him on Roblox because he knew his user name, which shows he was hoping to be contacted. Believe it or not most kids will want to feel wanted by their parent.

That’s really sad. I hope he stays committed this time. I’d want to meet him first a chat to explain the impact he has on the children. Every child wants to have their parents in their life.
He realise when he grows up. 🥹
I have seen many friends who had decent relationships until they break up before he fecks off.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 21:03

And you don’t think they still think that If they go forever? My son said to me once he is surprised his father never tried to find him on Roblox because he knew his user name, which shows he was hoping to be contacted. Believe it or not most kids will want to feel wanted by their parent.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 08/06/2026 20:56

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 23:19

Because I still believe some relationship with a parent is better than nothing at all. Even if it’s just writing to them or phone calls.

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I disagree with you. I think that a parent coming in and out of a child’s life and never really making any sort of an effort with them will leave the child feeling like they aren’t good enough and that the parent dropping contact again is the child’s fault for not being good enough, or clever enough or cute enough.

But it’s such an individualistic thing. You might believe that your children won’t be as emotionally damaged if you encourage contact from their father in dribs and drabs before he stops bothering for another six months. Hopefully your children won’t disavow you of that notion as they grow up.

Tryagain26 · 08/06/2026 20:27

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 19:14

No they’d rather upset their children to spite the father

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In many cases it's the father who tells the child they are coming and then don't turn up. But also it's not the mothers responsibility to lie to the child and make excuses for their irresponsible fathers.

OneThreadOnlybyN · 08/06/2026 19:57

MCF86 · 08/06/2026 18:08

Of course not, but a coparenting father isn't an absent one.

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But that's not what you said. You said they wouldn't leave, which generally refers to the marriage/family home.

Swissmeringue · 08/06/2026 19:16

I couldn't disagree more. My dad is a judgemental narcissist and the best thing he could have done for both me and my brother is fuck off sooner than he did.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 19:14

MxCactus · 08/06/2026 18:54

Couldn't you just not tell the kid Dad was coming and let it be a surprise if he did turn up? Then the kids wouldn't be so let down constantly

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No they’d rather upset their children to spite the father

OP posts:
Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 19:13

And now he is back and deserves another chance. People change

OP posts:
Jellybunny98 · 08/06/2026 19:07

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 18:45

No troll here, im just not anti fathers

Their father himself is anti father, he’s the one who ran off😂

Fancythatfancyhat · 08/06/2026 19:00

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 18:54

People do change you know, they wouldn’t be handed over to a “stranger” as I’d be there for the first few times

So have they ever raised this child in the past or not?

MxCactus · 08/06/2026 18:54

onwardandupwards · 07/06/2026 22:22

You've obviously never experienced a excited child sat waiting on the stairs to go out for a icecream, or the zoo or even swimming and her dad decided he'd just rather not, or forgets their birthday, or sods off for months at at a time then decides he feels like being a parent again. The tears, upset and endless letdowns. I'd rather he just never bothered than a ton of broken promises, her holding a fathers day card she made and he never turned up. So yes I'd rather no dad than a crap one. ( he completely changed after her birth) as a teenager she stopped bothering at all.

Couldn't you just not tell the kid Dad was coming and let it be a surprise if he did turn up? Then the kids wouldn't be so let down constantly

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 18:54

People do change you know, they wouldn’t be handed over to a “stranger” as I’d be there for the first few times

OP posts:
Fancythatfancyhat · 08/06/2026 18:51

Jellybunny98 · 08/06/2026 18:40

And the vast majority of mother’s don’t just let a dad who has fucked off and abandoned his kids walk back in and out of a child’s life when it suits him, hope that helps!

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It makes me so sad because the mothers I've known who did allow this all did so because of this fear that they were somehow being mean not to, they didn't want to be an obstruction, wanted to give their child a chance to have a relationship with them. As I said above, none of these worked out or were consistent and one friend the "Dad" hit her son on the first occasion he had.him unsupervised. Men who go AWOL in this way are effectively strangers and if OP is so worried about safeguarding she would know you can't assess if a an almost total stranger is safe to have around your child.

Fancythatfancyhat · 08/06/2026 18:49

NotConvincedd · 08/06/2026 18:45

No troll here, im just not anti fathers

You're pro child maintenance I hope? Have you been paying any?

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