To not believe no dad is better

You sound a LOT like my SIL. When he was around he was erratic and unreliable. He routinely used the DC in his attempts to punish her etc etc. He'd disappear for days/weeks, then reappear. He'd tell the DC how sad he was, how mean mumme was y was etc etc. Then he disappeared for 3 months. Completely. When he reappeared, she let him back in. Of course.

Then he disappeared completely for 6 months. No where to be seen. Not a christmas message or call. Very very occassionally he would respond to a text message the DC sent him... .but usually to tell them off.

Then he reappeared. She decided that of course, it was better if the DC saw him and spent time with him. He was "sorry" etc etc.

Cue 6 more months of him causing arguments - with her, with MIL, with the school, with school parents. It was endless. Lots of arguments with the DC. Lots of whining because when he saw them he'd be unpleasant then he'd complain because they didn't want to see him.

Currently, they're in a relatively "stable" period. But we're all waiting for the other shoe to drop. SIL is oblivius. The creep has already started so we know it will happen soon - eg, he's back to being CONSTANTLY in her space (she had all these boundaries abou thim not spending time in her house. Then not spending time in her house when she is there. Now he's just there all the time) and the summer holidays are coming up so that's going to be a source of friction.

But sure, it's better if he's in their life. Absolutely. So much better. Pity the DC's behaviour doesn't seem to reflect that. Htye become more and more unpleasant to be around, combined with an increasing level of anxiety, by the day.

For your kids, maybe.
It sounds like people in your life are telling you not to allow your ex back in. I’m sure they have their reasons for that. But if you’re confident in your decision making then explain your reasoning to them.
Incidentally, if he comes back into their lives and then disappears again, will you be glad that he came back for that brief time, or would you rather he’d just stayed away completely?

I will be interested to hear how your kids are doing in a few years time.

I am sure they DO wnat to see him.
I'm equally sure they think that now things will be better and he'll be more reliable and mroe consistent. And that you'll be picking up the pieces when he disappears again.

So you think it’s better to have a dad that you constantly question if they actually love you? Knowing they put themselves/other people above you? Asking yourself what have you done to deserve this treatment? That you must be an awful person because your father, who should love you no matter what, obviously doesn’t?
My children don’t have a father because he died when they were small. I thought they may have a father figure in a family friend (not romantically involved, he is a relative’s partner) until he hit my son - that was the end of that.
While I think my son in particular has definitely suffered from not having a strong role model, the one man he was close to severely let down at age 17, a man who he really counted on and respected. I don’t think he’s ever recovered. It took him two years to even talk to him about what happened and they no longer are in contact as it ruined something within my son forever. I do truly wish he’d never met this man - and exactly the same if it had been his actual father. To destroy a young persons confidence, to have them feel betrayed, to make them question a relationship they thought was special - how could an adult do that? They don’t deserve the love of a child. And any child deserves so much more than bits and pieces and broken promises.

Why don't you understand that the point of maintenance is because they aren't seeing them I.e. not providing care for them or covering their expenses? CMS even encourages contact as the more they see them the less they pay. You say something is better than nothing but holding this man to the baaaare minimum of "something" and avoiding everyone's lived experiences where your attitude has harmed the kids because you're so pro father even when that father isn't seeing or providing for his kids at all.

You may not want or need the money but it’s not for you, it’s for your children.

How do you know though if you've been split and NC for years...? So he's never wanted to financially contribute to these children so they've been disadvantaged and he's never been consistent in seeing them and then went AWOL for 3 years. Once every 2 weeks is no effort and he couldn't stick to that..? You keep making out people are being negative because "people can change" but how exactly has he changed? Has he given a reasonable explanation of why he hasn't been in contact for 3 years (not that I can think of a reasonable reason) and why he suddenly wants contact?

What was the arrangement from split until 3 years ago how regularly was he seeing them and did he pay any maintenance in that time? Why hasn't he made any contact with them for 3 years? How do you know for example he hasn't been in prison in this time ? Does he have other children he's is NC with?

You don't seem to be considering much except that out of the blue he wants to see them. Would you be able to even 3 days not contacting your children or enquiring as to their welfare?

If they wanted to go see a random man down the road do they also get to decide that? Do they get to decide if their dad has been paying maintenance or not?

You haven't been standing in the way is the point, this man has not been bothered for years at which point you're responsible for your child and their best interests to decide and you wouldn't be wrong to tell your child this man has gone X amount of years not bothering to make contact and you're concerned he will be unreliable and inconsistent as well as being unable to assess if he's safe to be around him as he's almost a stranger.

Parents make the decision that they believe to be in the best interests of their children.

Of course kids want their parents...but how is this man a parent other than being biologically related? He's never parented them. I think it's sad you're basically willing to chance your kids getting hurt which is guaranteed after him not caring to see them in years and are already saying you will maintain inconsistent contact when he proves himself unreliable. Your son has already put the simplest 2+2 together than his dad knows how to contact him and he hasn't, even when it wouldn't even take any effort to have messaged him on an online game, literally zero effort. He's coming back to stroke his ego and see if you'll accommodate him on demand and getting exactly what he wants.and will vanish again once his ego is full and the burden of being consistent becomes real, so so sad.

And has it been a whole DECADE that he hasn't been in this kids life?! Jesus wept, poor child

If we're accepting unreliable, inconsistent and just a bit rubbish as ok in fathers is it also acceptable behavior in mother's or are the mothers expected to go into overdrive to make up for the father's rubbish behavior?

I would say that a father who repeatedly proves that he doesn't give enough of a shit about his kids to keep in contact with them beyond occasional emails or phone calls is an absent dad.

If he won't do what is necessary to be in their lives, then having their dad as an unreliable pen pal won't save them from the consequences of his choice not to see them, whether you choose to define him as absent or not.

Surely it's the dads that fail to show up that are showing that they don't feel it's important to their kids to know them or understand that side of their history?

Your son asking why his dad didn't add him on Roblox is exactly the point - he knew his dad could get it touch whenever he wanted (as you've made abundantly clear) and that he had chosen not to.

You've been very clear that you wouldn't stop the kids dad from seeing them, yet he has chosen not to see them for long enough that you no longer trust him with them alone or overnight.

But he won’t be having any physical contact until he’s shown he is consistent with phone calls and messages

So if he proves that he isn't consistent with calls or messages, then he won't have physical contact with them? As in, you will prevent him from seeing them, even if he still says he wants to, if he keeps letting them down?

Which is exactly what everybody is saying?!?!?!

🤣 You know nothing about me. But there must be some reason you’re so against other mothers and so pro useless dads. It isn’t even about what is fair to either parent, it’s about what’s best for the children.