To not believe no dad is better

So you do recognise your fictional ex is a bad man overall, just not in the specific context of making and breaking promises about when he’ll come?

And you expect us to believe you think a man like this is not a bad man?

My dad was a crap dad. I'd rather have had no dad. I grew up feeling unwanted, inconvenient, less than. He is still a crap dad, and a crap grandad. So he isn't in my children's lives because I know they're better off without him. He wasn't abusive. He just didn't give a shit.

I agree with you And I have pondered on this myself. Myself and my brother were those kids waiting for Dad to turn up and sometimes he would sometimes he wouldn’t. Then our mum stopped us from seeing him. He then left the country and passed away. My DB is full of hatred and anger towards our Mum and he’s now in his 40s. He still lives with her and he’s just awful and I do wonder if she regrets her decision. Things could have been different. I do very much wish she hadn’t done that and I was able to see him despite how inconsistent he was. I missed out on that relationship and then it was too late. I don’t hold that resentment against my mum, but as a result, I have never ever stopped my child seeing their dad, Never used our kid as a weapon, And have always actively encouraged a relationship, even when he was an absolute arse to me.

Being bothered with intermittently, inconsistently and half arsedly can also be very painful.

At least when they're gone you know where you are.

That’s alright then. As long as they expect him to be a shit dad, it won’t affect them when he’s a shit dad by your logic.

Clearly you are speaking from a position of privilege and have never seen the absolute carnage a crap dad can unleash of his partner and kids.

I know boys whose lives would have unmeasurably better if their mothers had blocked access to their criminal father.

You jumped the shark ages ago OP but this is really the clincher. No-one in the world is such a doormat they’d defend someone who treated them so badly.

This thread is such obvious bait 🙄 I’ll eat my hat if the author has children, a deadbeat ex, or a vagina.

What do you mean about ‘the advice now’? The way you phrase it I assume you are referring to peer reviewed, scientific research conducted by experts in child development. Please tell me you aren’t referring to the opinions of some posters on Mumsnet???

What if the child decides they don't want a crap dad? My teenage niece has nothing to do with her dad (she's seen him twice since he and her mum separated). It's totally his fault because his son from a previous relationship doesn't speak to him either. So just look at the common factor.
Both children are happier without their shit father in their lives.

So on the one hand you acknowledge that he doesn’t contribute financially and that’s not going to change, that he doesn’t even have beds for his own kids, that he abandoned them for 3 years with no contact whatsoever, and on the other hand you say ‘he’s not a bad man’. I’d hate to think what would constitute a ‘bad man’ to you. Your bar is in the gutter.

I don’t know any single mum who didn’t work really hard to facilitate a relationship between children and their dad. Unless there is abuse.
I think you’re speaking to the wrong crowd here

So op what you're saying is that you can break your back slogging to meet all their needs, put food on the table and a roof over their heads, cover their clothing and trips and hobbies, birthdays, Christmas etc etc etc with whatever little is left over for luxuries and maybe if you're lucky some of your own money to actually be used on yourself. And he gets to swan in as he pleases like a fucking Disney dad and use that money that he OWES you and his children to basically splurge and buy their affection to make up for not being around consistently or paying for them on a steady basis?

Surely you can see how this undermines you as their mother and sole provider and can also create a really dangerous and destabilising precedent for their relationship with him and by extension with you?

I've seen so many families where that's happened and when the kids hit teen years they suddenly decided they wanted to go to dad because he bought whatever they wanted and spoilt them which was much more fun than mum who was doing her utmost to make ends meet on a shoestring.

That's super naieve op I'm sorry.

I disagree. He abandoned his kids.

Not seeing his DC for 3 years or paying for them makes him pretty shit IMO. A different shit to my ex, but still shit

My dad was shit. He was a dad, but not a parent.... if that makes sense.
I was fed up with his nonsense so went low contact. He went mad... thought I was accusing him of being a pedo. I was not. He was just... shit.
I saw him a few times each year, and each time he would prove he was immature etc. I do think he was autistic (and I say that as my DP is autistic too).

I wanted to talk things through with him. So many times. He would only reach out to me when drunk. Ask me to call him, then turn his phone off the next day.

Then earlier this year, he went out for a walk and dropped down dead. Got found in a park... traumatised a lot of kids and it was the talk of the local FB page.