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Original poster

To not believe no dad is better

366 replies

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 20:54

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

OP posts:
XelaM · 07/06/2026 22:58

My 16-year-old wants nothing to do with her father who has been in/out (mostly out) of her life by choice. He reappears every few years and then disappears again. This has been going on since she was a toddler. All my attempts to foster a relationship between them have been dismissed by him. Now when he texts her, she can't even be bothered to reply.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:55

SnappyQuoter · 07/06/2026 22:52

I think people mostly mean no dad in the main home is better than a shit dad. As in, you can leave your husband if he is a shit dad and partner… you don’t have to stay “for the sake of the kids.”
It’s better to leave, have one great stable home and they see their dad as much as contact is agreed but they don’t need to live in a home with mum and dad just because that’s how it “should be”.

No they don’t, my kids dad isnt around and people have said it’s better he isn’t around than inconsistent and ive into ever seen it said in that sense (that an absent dad is better than inconsistent)

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 07/06/2026 22:52

My kids were definitely better off without their bio-dad in their everyday life.

SnappyQuoter · 07/06/2026 22:52

I think people mostly mean no dad in the main home is better than a shit dad. As in, you can leave your husband if he is a shit dad and partner… you don’t have to stay “for the sake of the kids.”
It’s better to leave, have one great stable home and they see their dad as much as contact is agreed but they don’t need to live in a home with mum and dad just because that’s how it “should be”.

OneThreadOnlybyN · 07/06/2026 22:49

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:42

Go on any threads about a dad that often cancels contact and the advice is dont tell them he is coming 🤷‍♀️

Doesn't make it good advice.

and 'it is advised' is totally different to 'posters on MN say'

Superscientist · 07/06/2026 22:48

I think children need reliable people in their lives they don't need to be called mum or dad.

My half sister (same mum) has half brothers (same dad) and their dad stayed in their lives and they had considerably worse childhoods than my sister had. She did have a stable upbringing with our grandparents and my father, who effectively adopted her at 5. She might have had her biological father to call upon but she had a steady set of adults nurturing her and that made the difference.

OneThreadOnlybyN · 07/06/2026 22:45

MCF86 · 07/06/2026 22:38

A dad worth having, wouldn't leave.
So if they have left, I would find it hard to believe they'd be worth having around anyway.

Don't be ridiculous. Relationships break down, it doesn't mean the man is always at fault or a crap Dad.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:42

Go on any threads about a dad that often cancels contact and the advice is dont tell them he is coming 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Velumental · 07/06/2026 22:42

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:41

Of course abusive isnt acceptable, no one is going to think an abusive dad is ok. And I’ve seen it on many many posts not to tell the kids the father is coming if he is inconsistent 🤦‍♀️

Have you spoken to him? What is his take? How old are the children? It's really hard to know from the bare bones info

OneThreadOnlybyN · 07/06/2026 22:41

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:38

The advice now is to not tell the kids when they are coming therefore they won’t sit there waiting.

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The advice from who exactly?

it's not fair not to prepare a child for the day/weekend ahead & just have their Dad turn up to take them.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:41

Of course abusive isnt acceptable, no one is going to think an abusive dad is ok. And I’ve seen it on many many posts not to tell the kids the father is coming if he is inconsistent 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/06/2026 22:39

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:38

The advice now is to not tell the kids when they are coming therefore they won’t sit there waiting.

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They shouldn't have to follow that advice. You're spectacularly missing the point.

MCF86 · 07/06/2026 22:39

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:38

The advice now is to not tell the kids when they are coming therefore they won’t sit there waiting.

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A lot of kids would find that very unsettling!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2026 22:38

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:37

I do but thats solved by not telling the kids when they are coming since thats the advice given now a days.

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‘Solved’ well good for you, you’ve solved shit dads, give yourself a pat on the back.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 07/06/2026 22:38

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:33

You said he was horrible. Im not regretting to “horrible” dads just ones who are a bit inconsistent not ones that are horrible to the child, that would be different.

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Inconsistent Dads are horrible. HTH

cestlavielife · 07/06/2026 22:38

So you are grading "crap" from inconsistent through to abusive?
Inconsistent is ok to abusive is not ok?
Seems a bit arbitrary. Where does the line land?
Any on the scale can be harmful.
Hopefully the other parent or care givers support and provide consistency

MCF86 · 07/06/2026 22:38

A dad worth having, wouldn't leave.
So if they have left, I would find it hard to believe they'd be worth having around anyway.

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:38

Arlanymor · 07/06/2026 22:36

My dad HATED his dad. Would always make promises to do stuff, all of the five kids waiting on the step for this man to pick them up and take them to the seaside and who then never bothered. My dad's middle name is the same as his dad's first name and he hates it. When his dad died it was a direct cremation (unusual in 1963) and to this day my dad can't remember what they did with the ashes. He HATED him, he was a horrible dad, a poor provider (despite coming from a rich family) and basically a waste of space. My dad very much thinks that no dad would have been better than the incompetent pig he was landed with.

The advice now is to not tell the kids when they are coming therefore they won’t sit there waiting.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:37

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2026 22:34

Being ditched every time dad gets a better offer on a weekend can be incredibly painful also, waiting for them to show up and then never do because they can’t be arsed with you. You clearly don’t have much first hand experience

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I do but thats solved by not telling the kids when they are coming since thats the advice given now a days.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/06/2026 22:36

My dad HATED his dad. Would always make promises to do stuff, all of the five kids waiting on the step for this man to pick them up and take them to the seaside and who then never bothered. My dad's middle name is the same as his dad's first name and he hates it. When his dad died it was a direct cremation (unusual in 1963) and to this day my dad can't remember what they did with the ashes. He HATED him, he was a horrible dad, a poor provider (despite coming from a rich family) and basically a waste of space. My dad very much thinks that no dad would have been better than the incompetent pig he was landed with.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/06/2026 22:34

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:32

Yes being abandoned completely and never bothered with again can be extremely painful

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Being ditched every time dad gets a better offer on a weekend can be incredibly painful also, waiting for them to show up and then never do because they can’t be arsed with you. You clearly don’t have much first hand experience

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:33

whatcanthematterbe81 · 07/06/2026 22:32

But you think a shit Dad, as long as he’s not abusive is ok? What do you define as abusive? I didn’t say he was but he makes her feel like shit because he’s not a nice person and blatantly doesn’t care, that is NOT better than an absent father. Any Dad who wants to be there and isn’t a prick is of course better than non, but you’re saying that a bad dad is better than none and that’s not the case

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You said he was horrible. Im not regretting to “horrible” dads just ones who are a bit inconsistent not ones that are horrible to the child, that would be different.

OP posts:
Velumental · 07/06/2026 22:33

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:31

Im in this situation myself and yes people have said no dad is better

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Are you the dad? Or the mum watching it happen?

What are you experiencing? What is making people say no dad is better?

If he's late to pick ups sometimes, over works and isn't great with child support then that's a bit shit but not in a way that effects the child.

If he's showing up to collect her drunk, palming her off on others, can't remember her birthday and is verbally abusive to you at drop off probably better off without him

Original poster
NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:32

Velumental · 07/06/2026 22:29

Do you have a good dad op? Because if so I can see why you feel this way. The only positive from having a shit dad is you DONT have that feeling that you maybe missed out on a good dad. What I AM left with is the wondering if how life would have been if he'd not been shit or pissed off earlier. Life is messy and I'm 43 and I've not spoken to him other than at my mums funeral in around 20 years. I can look at his life as a child and the man went through a lot and there's reason to believe he had serious undiagnosed mental health issues and probably underlying nejrodivergence. I'm old enough now to accept the harm he caused me was collateral damage. But the trauma of have been spared by not going through that may have made me a whole different person and my own life easier, who knows.

But yeah there are instances where no dad is not the worst case scenario and they don't even have to be all that extreme. However my mum was amaIng in so many ways yet still flawed and fallible like we all are. Oad give my right arm to have her back. However when those with toxic mothers tell me they are better off no contact I have to assume they know better than me.

My father is dead im not talking about him.

OP posts:
whatcanthematterbe81 · 07/06/2026 22:32

NotConvincedd · 07/06/2026 22:28

Not abusive dads, I think you missed that bit

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But you think a shit Dad, as long as he’s not abusive is ok? What do you define as abusive? I didn’t say he was but he makes her feel like shit because he’s not a nice person and blatantly doesn’t care, that is NOT better than an absent father. Any Dad who wants to be there and isn’t a prick is of course better than non, but you’re saying that a bad dad is better than none and that’s not the case

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