To not believe no dad is better

My dad was shit and I am better off without him in my life. He chipped away at my self confidence, both with his 'parenting' and his willingness to be inconsistent and unreliable, and it's done a number on me in many ways.

Ironically, my mum (with good intentions, no doubt) followed the other bit of often poor advice given which was to never badmouth him, so I grew up thinking that everyone agreed that he was a nice man, meaning that he just didn't give a shit about me specifically.

If she had acknowledged that he was putting his needs ahead of mine and that he wasn't treating me with love or kindness, I wouldn't have spent so long wondering why he didn't love me properly and what I had done to make this 'good person' so critical and unforgiving.

So, while I agree that oft-given advice can be completely wrong, depending on the scenario, I also think if you need to mitigate against an adult letting his own kids down by lying about potential contact etc, it's worth considering if that advice might have merit in your own specific case.

Well you crack on, OP.

There’s no need to justify yourself with a thread on MN implicitly criticising others. You make your best judgement for your own circumstances, like others do.

And don’t forget - this place is just a chat forum. Nothing more, nothing less. In terms of ‘winning’ an argument on here, the stakes couldn’t really be lower.

In those situations people are either blowing smoke up the person to help them feel better or they're genuinely staying that the child is better off without that specific father because he is so appalling no.idea which it is in your case

I could have written this post. This was my daughter when she was little. Now as a teenager she doesn't care about him and mostly ignores his texts when he remembers her

Your lack of details is infuriating, I've no idea what's ok and what's not. Are they 12 and haven't seen him in a decade? 4 and he's been gone 3 months? Was he in prison? Cringe for his mum while she died of Alzheimer's? Did you break up because you cheated, he cheated, you grew apart, you found out he had another woman pregnant...? It's impossible to know why people are saying thai

Heartbreaking, l hope your dd is ok xx

My xh barely saw our children after we split up, I don’t think they have been disadvantaged by his lack of presence, they’re probably better off for the fact that he wasn’t inconsistent, he was consistently not present. They’re young adults now and seem to be just fine without him in their lives, they would certainly say so. They did have lots of consistency from me and their lives didn’t change in any other way.

So do that then? This is just a totally pointless thread.

I don't see how it has in any way enriched my daughter's life to know her dad. He's the most unreliable, selfish and completely uncaring person who over the years has let her down again and again COUNTLESS times. He'd say things like "See you Saturday - we'll go out and do xyz." And then without any explanation, texts or calls - disappear for 5 years only to pop up again as if nothing had happened. In those years, he'd change his number, not tell her where or why he disappeared, ignore her birthdays and Christmas. What's the point in a father like that?

Do whatever you want. It’s your situation. If you want to talk about it then start a thread with details specific to your situation and to him, and you’ll get advice. Otherwise, what is the point in this thread?

Why do you think your case applies to everyone else apart from a tiny amount? You’ve no idea

How old are they

Why did he leave

How old is he

What has changed for him

What happened between you and him? Any abuse? Who left who?

There's so much missing, how can anyone advise yo7m anyway legally if he wants contact he gets contact surely?

That sounds pretty confusing for the child, suddenly being whisked off with dad, not having any idea when they might see him again when they return. Plus children aren't stupid, they will notice the signs that their getting a day with dad, and I suspect a flaky dad will also probably makepromsies directly to he child they then won't keep

If your child is continually being crushed by their father not turning up then the confusion maybe the better of two evils, but its not a solution to a having a completely shit dad and doesn't negate the harm. Sometimes having an absent father is better than a really crap one, although both will obviously be upsetting for the child

It’s a complete waste of everyone’s time just waiting around seeing if an absent parent decides to turn up or not.

I think the problem is that you only know that you'd have been better off with no Dad when you've spent years suffering through an awful relationship with a shit Dad.

Thos people are saying that to help you feel better, they know it's not idea for your or your kids but what can they say? He's not coming back so the the e stuck with awkward platitudes

Couldn't agree more and you articulated it perfectly.

I don’t actually think there should be a ‘shit dad Olympics’. It’s not a competition. Having no dad around is shit. Having an unreliable dad is shit. They’re both really shit, why have a competition as to which is shitter?

Right. So they’re saying it to support you. What do you want from this thread? Your kids dad left, so… what? Do you want people to say that your kids are going to suffer and fault at life without him?

They won’t. Not if you do your job as a parent right. They’ll be absolutely fine. And if he left them like that, then they really are better without him because he’s a shit.

I would say that being inconsistent, flaky and letting kids down regularly is emotionally abusive.