To not believe no dad is better

You keep repeating this shite when it's total BS because kids don't remain toddlers forever and when the dad himself tells them "I'm coming on Saturday- we'll do xyz" then doesn't turn up and disappears for the next few months (or years in my case), it's not something the mother could have stopped!

I hear you @NotConvincedd no Dad is shit whether they are alive and a shit Dad or if they’ve passed. Many children end up grieving no Dad either way. I don’t think either/or can be better it isn’t possibly to say but they are both utterly shit.

That's the type I meant tbh. A man who's ees their kids one a month or every few months is absolutely absent and the bar would be on the floor to say they aren't. I see nieces and nephews more than that!

If this is a genuine thread, why are you so adamant to prove those of us who lived through raising kids with absent/unreliable fathers wrong? If you think that your kid is going to be happy being messed around and writing letters to someone who may or may not respond, continue with your plan and then revisit in 10 years' time.

Completely disagree, a father (or sperm donor) who is totally absent just isn't part of the family structure and it's much easier for kids to understand that their family is simply mum and them plus grandma or whoever else they have close. Whereas knowing a man exists, meeting him once or twice, and knowing he doesn't seem them regularly completely messes kids up. It makes no difference whether you tell the kid they're coming or not, as long as they've met that man and have an idea he is their "Dad" they will put 2+2 together themselves that this man doesn't care about them and often project the blame for it onto themselves.

No because when they are completely gone you can make up reasons for this to your kid and make up stories about how wonderful they were. When they see them albeit once in a blue moon and are constantly let down by them, you can't really explain it away.

MN is definitely anti absent fathers and shit, unreliable fathers, yes.

So you’re annoyed at people generalising and saying ‘no father is better than a shit father’, but are yourself generalising and saying ‘a shit father is better than a no father’? When actually, it will entirely depend on the individual circumstances. My view is that an absent father and a shit father will both fuck up their kids in a variety of ways.

This is MN where any separated dad is the antichrist, deadbeat who doesn't pay his way. If he does, then hes known as the arsehole Disney dad where the mother has to do all the parenting and he has no idea...
I somehow don't dont think you're going to get an unbiased view here.

What is the purpose of this post OP? It seems like you are looking for everyone to agree with your decision/position on your own situation? The reality is everyone's situation is going to be different, depending on the circumstances and individuals involved, there's not a blanket stance which will apply to everyone. If you've made that decision in your own life, that's fine, own it - you don't need to get everyone to agree with you.

A child that is only shown 1 particular example of a (crap) parent, will only learn how to be like that example.

That's random advice on threads, that's not 'the advice'. Nor is it actually practical, given potential other plans/the need to prepare kids, logistically and for their own awareness.

My daughter’s dad has given her the slow fade since we split up 8 years ago. He gradually reduced contact, started cancelling last minute, reducing the time he saw her if he did pick her up. He stood her up, cancelled holidays and generally made her miserable until January this year when he stopped contacting her altogether. She is 15 and has been far happier not dealing with him the last 6 months than dealing with him being shit for the last few years.

No dad can definitely be better than a crap one. I had a crap one. I would have been much better off with none. He died when I was 18 and I’ve not really missed him in my adult life. Thing is, if you have none, it’s hard to appreciate how much better that might be from having a shit one because how do you compare?

Btw, I also have a stepdad and he’s even worse than my biological dad. 😂

Who's that advice given by? Interestingly courts and SS review contact after three let downs/lateness etc. That wasn't the case twenty years ago and it did harm to the child. It destroys the self esteem of the child. It shows the child that they can'tevrn trust their resident parent to have their back. It means there can never be plans made, because you've got to see if he turns up. Many children like plans, what do you do when the child wants to know when contact is, or what they are doing? What you are suggesting could start off anxiety. It came to a point that I/family wasn't booking stuff incase their father showed up, most of the time he didn't, so we had to call it a day. He then was consistent, couldn't hold back on his controlling nature, so now, the children 9&11 don't want to know him. You are completely ignoring how difficult it is to parent solo. The parent, who is solo parenting, is entitled to peace.

but that's not exactly healthy either. they're still internalising that they can't really rely on the people that are meant to love you unconditionally. that it's ok if you want to keep letting people down because they get over it. they'll also have had to either bottle up their feelings to come across as ambivalent but hurt inside each time it happens and not tell you, or close a pat of their heart off because the pain got so bad.

I can see why for some people one decisive abandonment is better than constantly picking at the scab of paternal love

I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.

You've said it yourself. Why would you want your child to feel unwanted by insisting they accept having an unreliable and inconsistent father around instead of none? You have underlying issues yourself OP if you genuinely believe rejection is an acceptable price to pay.

and you still think this is preferable to him just letting go? death by a hundred cuts comes to mind.