Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my SIL to not visit after 6:30 pm on a Sunday evening?

159 replies

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 16:45

SIL is about 4 years younger than us, doesn't have a partner or children. Has a very busy job with lots of out of hours calls, emails etc. She has friends and sometimes sees them or goes hiking on weekends. She lives about 15 mins drive away and we rarely see her. My 3 children are her only nieces/nephews. She doesn't allow us to visit her house (yes, literally says no..... once my son, 7, wanted to use the toilet and she was giving my son and DH a lift home she said no, he couldn't go in, just drove them home. )
Anyway she does her weekly shop in a place near us and every month or so will arrive around 7pm to visit. If I ask if she had a busy day.... no, just some WFH, etc. We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping. My kids are older now but they have sports fixtures on Sundats so need showers before bed. And I try to have some downtime, watch a family show together etc, then do stories. So I find the random 7pm visits annoying. She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.
She organised a meal out for PIL, BIL, herself and my DH and I a month ago and it was on a Sunday at 5pm. Why can't she call here at 5pm?
YABU. Suck it up.
YANBU say something.

OP posts:
Motherbear44 · 07/06/2026 19:04

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 16:45

SIL is about 4 years younger than us, doesn't have a partner or children. Has a very busy job with lots of out of hours calls, emails etc. She has friends and sometimes sees them or goes hiking on weekends. She lives about 15 mins drive away and we rarely see her. My 3 children are her only nieces/nephews. She doesn't allow us to visit her house (yes, literally says no..... once my son, 7, wanted to use the toilet and she was giving my son and DH a lift home she said no, he couldn't go in, just drove them home. )
Anyway she does her weekly shop in a place near us and every month or so will arrive around 7pm to visit. If I ask if she had a busy day.... no, just some WFH, etc. We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping. My kids are older now but they have sports fixtures on Sundats so need showers before bed. And I try to have some downtime, watch a family show together etc, then do stories. So I find the random 7pm visits annoying. She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.
She organised a meal out for PIL, BIL, herself and my DH and I a month ago and it was on a Sunday at 5pm. Why can't she call here at 5pm?
YABU. Suck it up.
YANBU say something.

I agree that 7 pm is a crazy time to visit a household with children, but she has messaged beforehand. Maybe she expected OP to tell her that it is not convenient. Is her message an awkward way of saying “can I visit?” And she gets the green light.

The family need to reset the boundaries.

Trainup · 07/06/2026 19:00

Pinkchickenwine · 07/06/2026 17:12

That’s what I thought! How does it work tagging this onto shopping, as OP said

We just aren't enough to visit without adding us onto her shopping

Are you in the UK OP?

Show quote history

Scotland doesn’t have this issue

sprigatito · 07/06/2026 18:59

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:48

Have tried in the past. She is always too busy.

Show quote history

I don’t understand why it is so important to you to maintain a relationship with someone who treats you and your children like the lowest item on her shopping list! She doesn’t give a shit about your kids. She wouldn’t even let her own nephew have a wee in her toilet. It’s a shame she’s like this, it would have been nice for your children to have a loving relationship with their aunt, but that’s not what’s happening here. You’re just showing them that it’s ok to pander to people who couldn’t give a monkeys about you.

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:59

Bing bong. Here she is.

Well, I decided to suck it up, but make myself scarce. I convinced younger DC to have showers right after dinner. And im going to leave to pick up DD1 from a Party in a few minutes.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 07/06/2026 18:58

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:41

Thank you all so far. Why don't I just say its not convenient? Or invite her at a convenient time. Because then Im afraid she would never visit. She's not really comfortable with the kids and not close to my dH. Any time I have ever asked her for a specific time she is too busy. Its on her terms or none. (She makes a huge fuss about being DD1's godmother... this year once again said she would take her out for a day instead of a present.... last year she finally did it about 4 months later, this year she still hasn't done it (7mths on).

My family are all far away - we visit 4-5 times a year if I can. But my DC don't have many relations so I really don't want to annoy her and stop the visits altogether.

Show quote history

She sounds pattern-driven, and odd. You need to find a pattern that works for her and for your family.

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:58

thepariscrimefiles · 07/06/2026 17:30

Why doesn't she allow anyone in her house? I can't believe that she didn't allow her nephew to use the toilet.

Just tell her that it isn't convenient for her to visit on a Sunday evening. She doesn't worry about offending you by not letting you into her home so don't worry about offending her.

Apparently the light bulb was blown in the downstairs loo and she had been doing washing so had duvet covers/sheets etc hun out upstairs or something. I just laughed.... like... we do washing here too, he has seen it before. He wasnt going to per on her clothes!
I've been in by myself once and its a perfectly normal house. I think in her head the kids are still toddlers and she would need to babyproof or something.

OP posts:
SadieB00 · 07/06/2026 18:54

This exact reply takes me to my earlier point of what are you expecting to get here? You know you are not unreasonable but are making excuses rather than tell another adult the truth. Either deal with this or accept it and stop wasting your energy otherwise.

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:53

murkydepths · 07/06/2026 18:31

I shall be envious of your superior Scottish shopping times next time I'm hitting an English supermarket at 3.30pm on a Sunday like I'm a contestant on Supermarket Sweep.

Pretty much everything is shut in Germany on a Sunday so she's not there!

Lol. Im in Ireland! To be honest I can think of few things I'd less like to do on a Sunday night than grocery shopping. Even when I lived alone and had a hectic social life, I always prioritised chilling out on Sunday nights.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/06/2026 18:52

What do the children get out of the visits, given that the SIL is awkward around them?

BudgetBuster · 07/06/2026 18:52

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:41

Thank you all so far. Why don't I just say its not convenient? Or invite her at a convenient time. Because then Im afraid she would never visit. She's not really comfortable with the kids and not close to my dH. Any time I have ever asked her for a specific time she is too busy. Its on her terms or none. (She makes a huge fuss about being DD1's godmother... this year once again said she would take her out for a day instead of a present.... last year she finally did it about 4 months later, this year she still hasn't done it (7mths on).

My family are all far away - we visit 4-5 times a year if I can. But my DC don't have many relations so I really don't want to annoy her and stop the visits altogether.

Show quote history

Because then Im afraid she would never visit.
Well that would be her choice...

She's not really comfortable with the kids and not close to my dH.
So she's coming over and inconveniencing you all but doesn't even have a relationship with the majority of the family? This is definitely a you issue unfortunately... you need to be an adult and just say "that doesn't suit". Currently you are inconvenienced. If she wants a relationship with you she'll have one.

Nearly50omg · 07/06/2026 18:52

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:47

Then we would never see her. I feel my DC would lose out having no relationship with their aunt, as my family are all a long distance away.
That said they probably see more of my brother in Texas and are closer to him.

Show quote history

Who cares if you never see her then?🤷‍♀️ she’s clearly coming at that time hoping the kids are in bed so she doesn’t have to see them!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/06/2026 18:49

Next time, you need to message her straight back "No, sorry Sally, Sunday evenings are a really bad time for us for you to come. We'd love to see you, but it would need to be earlier and you be gone by 6pm" or something like that. If your DH won't sort it out, you'll need to be more on the ball with a "no" response.

OR just tell her tonight, "I wanted to say in person, but in future, please will you come earlier as after 6pm on Sundays is very busy for us with homework, bath, bedtimes etc., and late visits mess it all up" or something...

RampantIvy · 07/06/2026 18:48

Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:47

Then we would never see her. I feel my DC would lose out having no relationship with their aunt, as my family are all a long distance away.
That said they probably see more of my brother in Texas and are closer to him.

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship anyway. Does your husband not talk to her when she visits?

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:48

Sillysausage76 · 07/06/2026 16:51

Have you asked her to come earlier? Or could you invite her to come at a certain time? If not reply and say im sorry were busy

Have tried in the past. She is always too busy.

OP posts:
DryTerryandJUNE · 07/06/2026 18:48

7pm on a Sunday is the worst possible time for us, could you come at 5pm?

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:47

WhatAMarvelousTune · 07/06/2026 17:22

She just messaged to say she would call later, when I queried time - yes.. Around 7.

And you responded with what? Hopefully you said something like “sorry, that’s not really convenient for us, can we arrange another time”, rather than just expecting her to know it’s not ok with you.

Then we would never see her. I feel my DC would lose out having no relationship with their aunt, as my family are all a long distance away.
That said they probably see more of my brother in Texas and are closer to him.

OP posts:
SadieB00 · 07/06/2026 18:47

Ok so that means you need to be the one to tell her and I assume it is you who she is messaging in the first instance? If she is messaging DH that there is a bigger problem if he is not willing to speak up!

cocog · 07/06/2026 18:45

Don’t let her in just say we’re finishing homework and we’re putting kids to bed it’s Sunday night so we’re all getting ready for week if you want your welcome early afternoon on Sunday or Saturday but we’re not doing visits on Sunday night anymore. If she refused to let a kid use her bathroom then she absolutely should not be fazed by the above.

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:44

SadieB00 · 07/06/2026 18:33

I’m rather confused tbh. She is your SIL. Who does she have the relationship with, you or her brother? What is the answer you expect to get from this thread? Are you prepared to take any action or are you just feeling the room? From where I sit this is simple, whoever holds the day to day relationship with this relative needs to simply say, really sorry, but after half X time of night on a Sunday we are consumed by XYZ so we are not hosting visitors, please let us know other times you are free and let’s organise something when everyone is available. There is no point in you asking here for views if your DH is simply sending a - drop by any time sis - message every time she texts him. Please take action or move past it and do your own thing and leave him to host her.

She isnt close to my Dh. He isnt great for keeping up relationships with his family. But my ILs are the only extended family my DC have that arent 5 hours away, and I'd like them to know their aunt.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/06/2026 18:42

It's a shame that you let her call all the shots. Is there really no way you can get the message across to her without offending her?

Original poster
Goinggreymammy · 07/06/2026 18:41

Sillysausage76 · 07/06/2026 16:51

Have you asked her to come earlier? Or could you invite her to come at a certain time? If not reply and say im sorry were busy

Thank you all so far. Why don't I just say its not convenient? Or invite her at a convenient time. Because then Im afraid she would never visit. She's not really comfortable with the kids and not close to my dH. Any time I have ever asked her for a specific time she is too busy. Its on her terms or none. (She makes a huge fuss about being DD1's godmother... this year once again said she would take her out for a day instead of a present.... last year she finally did it about 4 months later, this year she still hasn't done it (7mths on).

My family are all far away - we visit 4-5 times a year if I can. But my DC don't have many relations so I really don't want to annoy her and stop the visits altogether.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/06/2026 18:40

MyCloak · 07/06/2026 18:31

Look, OP, you can tell anyone not to visit at a specific time for any reason. We don’t need all that backstory about her childfree and single status, her job, her friendships her shopping schedule and how often she sees your children.

But just use your words. Say a couple of hours earlier would be more convenient. She’s not psychic.

I agree.

I don't care what reasons she has for not inviting you to her place, but if she won't even let a child who is a member of the family use the toilet then she doesn't deserve any consideration.

If your husband won't do it you will just have to tell her she can't come at 7. It is very easy to be politely assertive without being rude.

FookFookFook · 07/06/2026 18:39

If its once a month id just get on with it to be honest. Families start to never see each other because of things like this. At least she makes an effort once a month to keep relationships alive. Alternatively maybe invite her for lunch once a month instead?

SadieB00 · 07/06/2026 18:33

I’m rather confused tbh. She is your SIL. Who does she have the relationship with, you or her brother? What is the answer you expect to get from this thread? Are you prepared to take any action or are you just feeling the room? From where I sit this is simple, whoever holds the day to day relationship with this relative needs to simply say, really sorry, but after half X time of night on a Sunday we are consumed by XYZ so we are not hosting visitors, please let us know other times you are free and let’s organise something when everyone is available. There is no point in you asking here for views if your DH is simply sending a - drop by any time sis - message every time she texts him. Please take action or move past it and do your own thing and leave him to host her.

murkydepths · 07/06/2026 18:31

I shall be envious of your superior Scottish shopping times next time I'm hitting an English supermarket at 3.30pm on a Sunday like I'm a contestant on Supermarket Sweep.

Pretty much everything is shut in Germany on a Sunday so she's not there!