To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

Your poor daughter. What a crass thing to do. That would have been hard for the guests to sit through. Not much point talking to him though I hope the groom has.

👏👏👏

I am still proud of giving a bridesmaid speech in 1984. The bride's mother, as we ran through the order of speeches the evening before, said: 'I am sure Ida is quite capable of giving her own speech. She doesn't need the best man to respond on her behalf', the best man being her son. At my own wedding, I spoke too. It's high time that women speaking wasn't seen as unusual.

Is Darren the new Karen?, asking for a friend.

I would prob say something but also to the groom your sil

Why didn’t he say or stop the best man once it was obvious too much

he didn’t look after and support /protect your daughter ,the wife he is meant to love

this would anger me

Your daughter and new son in law should be the ones who are having a word with him. Hopefully your son in law will bin him and no longer be friends with this man. If he keeps him as a friend, I’d be very concerned as to the type of man your daughter has married because your choice of friends says a lot about who you are. If your son in law keeps him around, I’d presume he too was like one of the Inbetweeners.

Your poor daughter.
I am not surprised she is very upset and you must be too, to have realised how low rent her new husband is to have chosen so poorly.

Your son in law has made a holy show of himself, his new wife and family, displaying to one and all how he decided to choose the dregs of society to speak for him on his wedding day.
Who does that?
Certainly not someone who cares about the feelings of his wife and her family.

I wouldn't dream of contacting him, but I wouldn't hesitate to be very supportive of my daughter, and make it clear to your son in law that his friend seriously spoiled the day and has left everyone with a very poor impression of him and where he comes from.

I know some on MN will happily tell you such crass behaviour is their norm, and it happens regularly, but it really really isn't.
I have been to so many wedding, many over the past 5 years of lots of couples in their 30's.
All speeches have been hilarious, witty, respectful and often emotional.

Not one has felt the need to make a holy show of the couple and embarrass the familys amongst relatives and friends.

If it was my daughter I would be furious.

Why someone didn't intervene and grab the mike from him is seriously strange.

Well that sounds repulsive 🤮. I can see why you are very angry. The groom should 100% say something and take some accountability for his choices. It will be unlikely to have an impact on him if you send him a message.

The groom should have bloody stopped him.

I have never been to a wedding where the best man's speech was so graphic or explicit, and definitely never swearing to that extent. One granny offended by a long story and best man and the groom having too much to drink and trying to light each other's farts was about as bad as it got.

They are grown ups not kids, your daughter and her husband can deal with it, it’s not on you.

This.

It was for the groom or his parents to tell him to sit down and shut it at the time. If my DS’s best man gave a speech like that I would have dealt with it in the same way I’d deal with a student who was out of line.

Something similar happened at the wedding of my DH's cousin. I think to any sane person, it reflects poorly on the BM rather than the couple. If anything people feel sympathy for the couple having had to listen to a shit, ill judged best man speech. In DH cousin's case, I think the BM came across as being someone socially awkward to begin with and didn't think through how what he was saying came across. If you know the BM and for sure know he deliberately tried to humiliate your DD, that would be different.

I would refrain mainly because your daughter has specifically asked you not to send anything. She potentially has quite a bit to deal with from (1) being disappointed in her own wedding day and dealing with the embarrassment and regret over having allowed this person to speak (2) resentment of her husband for choosing an inappropriate person and for having shared details she found too intimate and (3) ongoing problems if the husband is excusing the friend or minimising her feelings now. I'd try to support her directly as well as you can.

I DO completely understand your intense anger AT the best man, but it might be best to vent it in a way that doesn't conflict with your daughter's wishes or potentially complicate her dealing with the situation her own way - maybe get it all out on paper/on the screen but DON'T send it?

This happened to me at my wedding extremely similar content in the speech. I already disliked the best man so this just sealed it. I was angry and humiliated. My DH was uncomfortable but said nothing and it caused tension between us for a while.

It didn't ruin my day but it is still unfortunately something I do remember 10+ years later.

The best man's dad and brother did come and apologise to me and said they had told him not to put any of it in, apparently he found it funny. None of our guests found it funny and he was told so by a number of them.

Having said that. It absolutely isn't your place to say anything now. If you wanted to say something your time to do it was at the wedding.

I think many best men secretly hate and resent the bride and are subconsciously trying to sabotage the marriage by making embarrassing wedding speeches!

My DM gave a speech at my wedding in my DF’s absence and she utterly humiliated in front of nearly 100 guests (totally different to poster’s DD situation). Three guests came up to me later on to ask if I was OK.

Unless you’ve been on the receiving end of this situation you have no idea what it was like to be embarrassed and humiliated on your wedding day and in front of dozens of people, while you have to sit there with a smile plastered on your face at the top table.

In my situation it was the very last straw and I went NC. If you don’t call people out on their shocking behaviour then they just continue through life being inappropriate arseholes.

That's just him having sex though, presumably prior to this relationship - unless I missed it the implication wasn't that he was cheating? As a single guy that is fine, not disagreeable, the best man just walked in on it and should have kept that private!

The time to say something to the best man was at the first crude joke where the MC or someone else at the top table should have taken the mic off him and said “thank you moving on …” what’s concerning is the groom’s choice in a friend who would have to have actually put pen to paper when sober and thought this was a suitable speech.

so don’t say anything to the best man as it won’t achieve anything. By all means support your DD and you may wish to say something briefly to your son in law ; but as others have said it’s up to your DD to process this. Hopefully you will have lots of lovely photos to remember the good parts of the day

I understand the anger at the blatant disrespect but can you imagine the abysmal mother-in-law jokes down the pub 😩 I'm angry all over again just thinking about it.
I hate when some most men prioritise banter and making their dipshit mates laugh than being adults , and they're never fcking funny.

It’s because many men arrogantly underestimate how much preparation a good speech demands, they’re unaccustomed to public speaking, so they get nervous and drink too much for Dutch courage and the speech has no real structure or “waypoints”. In the absence of this important preparation, they fall back on inappropriate, ill-advised, lewd and normally unfunny anecdotes.

I have seen inappropriate comments in both best men and FOB speeches - absolutely cringeworthy. No excuse these days, with AI (failing actual intelligence) to write the speech for them.

Ghastly.

It's up to your son in law to say something and someone should have cut the speech short on the day.

God knows why we get a line up of men talking at weddings anyway.

Sexist patriarchal traditions breed bad male behaviour . Who the hell do they think they are?

Let’s have mother of groom, bridesmaid and bride.

I’d say something. If we don’t call out disgusting behaviour in men it will simply carry on.

This ^

He'll probably just laugh at the OP.

I agree the groom should have shut him up at the time.

Too late now

That’s really awful. However your DD and her DH are adults and it was their event – allow them to navigate it in the way they want to. Offer your DD support if she needs it.