To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

I would be absolutely mortified! but I would try hard to rise above it and say nothing. With any luck he’s made such an idiot of himself that other members of the wedding party are suitably disgusted with him and have let him know what a massive prick he is.

What exactly would you have a word with him achieve ? I'm confused.

I feel for your daughter, I would've been so upset. However, what happens now is between her and her husband. As others have said, he should've stopped it at the time. It's too late to do that now but they have to somehow move forward.

It sounds more like a speech on the stag rather than at a wedding. It isn't the place for anyone to say anything at this point except the married couple. The husband should say, Mate, you were a bit OTT and my DW is quite upset - as is her family; and prompt him to make sincere amends.
The bride could also say, You weren't funny. You were rude and vulgar at my wedding in front of my family., and that may also elicit an apology.
It is going to be difficult for the bride to move on and it will become a wedge in the marriage unless something is said now.

Oh wow!

I totally understand why you would want to say something- but I think that someone bold enough to give a speech like that won't be bothered, unfortunately.

I think your role now is in empowering your daughter (and new son in law) - validating how your daughter feels and letting her know that you support her; focus on other topics of conversation surrounding their day, and keep the discussion and thoughts about the speech clear, brief, and to the point.

Your SiL's reaction to the events will give you an indication on how he feels and hopefully he will be able to comfort his wife in the way that he handles this.

I would. I would have pulled him up on the day, even stopping him in the moment.

You are judged by the company you keep. This whole incident is a poor reflection on the groom. He needs to sort it out.

Familiarise your daughter with the concept of a “sunk cost fallacy”. There is no need for her to stay married to this man.

Sounds awful and no idea why no one stopped him at the time. But nothing to come from it now. Asking him for an apology won’t do any good will it, he’ll only be apologising because he’s been told to 🤷🏻‍♀️

To what end?

"90% of the time" ???

Again, I have to question the people you mix with.

The only "embarrassing" things I ever hear in wedding speeches, are gentle references to - for example - the bride or groom always being late, or loving a lie in, or limited DIY skills, or a small incident when they first met the family.

I have NEVER been to a wedding like the one described in the opening post, and I have been to a lot of weddings.

It's up to your daughter's new husband to say whatever needs to be said. He already should have. It's his (inappropriate) friend.

Good luck to your daughter. Sounds like she might need it. Be ready to support her in the future if needed.

Not your place to intervene. Your daughter and her husband will handle it.

No, you don't involve yourself. Your daughter is a grown adult, and it's between her, her husband and the best man.

The groom should have stopped the speech at the time, because he must have known his new wife would be upset. Or he should have at the very least by now told his friend how upset his wife is and how awful the speech is.

If someone is asked to be a best man, then common sense and courtesy should tell you, that getting pissed isn't good behaviour or appropriate, especially when you're expected to do a speech!!

I'm assuming the specific details pertains to your daughter's sex life, so he's clearly talking about it with his mates. the problem IS the best man but also the groom. your daughter needs to deal with the one who owes her privacy and respect

Went to a wedding where the speeches were after the meal. The best man was so nervous he didn’t eat anything and had too much to drink. His speech was very similar to the one you described but potentially even more personal. The bride walked out and locked herself in the disabled loo. The groom spent about 4 hours trying to get her out of there while the best man’s wife (rightly) tore him a new one in front of everyone on the dance floor.

They divorced within a year. The best man and the groom remained friends but eventually fell out about something else.

Your daughter needs to make it clear how upsetting that was so that the best man never does it again. As does her husband.

so it sounds like the best man walked in on the groom giving a woman oral sex. something he quick possibly does in his current relationship. the act isn't sleazy between two consenting adults, retelling the tale to everyone at a wedding is the problem. I doubt the bride thought he was a virgin when they met

He did that speech and said the things he said because he thought it would go down well with the crowd he knows, including your Son in Law. He thought it would be acceptable and get a laugh so it speaks volumes about the conversations that go on between them.

i’d be more concerned about the type of man my daughter has married!

I’m sorry that happened. How horrible that people feel the need to say such crap on someone’s wedding day.

I voted that you aren’t being unreasonable to feel like giving the ‘best’ man a piece of your mind…but, I wouldn’t actually say anything. It really isn’t worth it and it can’t change what’s been said. I hope that he at some point apologises to your daughter without prompting.

It's done now, it's not up to you to talk to him about it. It will only stir up even more trouble. It is up to your DD and her new husband to talk things through and decide how to move on from it.

If the best man told everyone something he had done that your DD didn't like, then assuming it wasn't a lie, isn't she better off knowing? Obviously not the ideal time to tell her, but telling the truth isn't usually a crime.

it will achieve nothing and feed the drama
the more people go on about it the worse it is
. A few gasps and eye rolls at the time draw a line under it and moved on and enjoyed the day
having a go ether at the time or now will achieve nothing it will make zero difference

considering he wasn’t bothered about what he said I doubt he’ll be bothered about anything you say to him now

banging on about will over shadow the day you are all spoiling it for yourselves now

I think you can say something or not say anything, there isn't a right answer, it was crude, hurtful and inappropriate. However, no one has to take offence, his behaviour is his, and your son in law's by default of choosing him and not stopping him.

I would normally say don't go chasing the snake but in your position, I would definitely give him a piece of my mind. Go for it and don't worry too much about the consequences since he hasn't given you, your family or your daughter a second thought. And whilst you are at it, you can remind him that his reputation as a complete idiot will be talked about for all time. (I know that because of two weddings Ii attended in the late 1980's and mid 1990's and best men disgraced themselves with lurid tales of stag weeks and references to weird sex acts - I still shudder at the thought of it - completely unacceptable at a formal event of any description unless it is a rugby club dinner). The good news for you - people won't blame you and over time it will feel less raw for you all - you might even laugh about it but for him, people don't forget stuff like that!

That is appalling but no doubt the bride, groom and other people have spoken to him about it already so not much point you chiming in now.

I can understand how upsetting this was for you and most importantly your DD.
I dont think there is anything to be gained from getting involved and contacting this awful man.
Tbh, your DD husband should have pre empted with this before hand as he must have known of his Best mans modus operandi.
Or by interveening tactfully to put a halt to it on the day.
The groom let it play out and he should be the one to deal with him.

Wow
im pretty open minded, and everyone expects a bit of best man ‘banter’
but that is appalling, how disrespectful to your daughter and her parents

No, someone who who would make a speech like that won't feel bad if you message them... in fact he'll probably find it funny that his speech was so offensive his mate's MIL messaged him to give a piece of her mind. Don't give him fodder to laugh about in the pub.

It's also not your place. It wasn't your wedding so it's just odd to message him 🤷‍♀️

Your daughter could, if she wanted to. But really it should be your Son in law reading him the riot act.