To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

YANBU to want to give him a piece of your mind, but actually doing it might not help your DD. It unfortunately does sound like she has a DH problem. Maybe she should be thanking the best man for bringing that to her attention. Might save her a world of trouble in the end?

Your daughter is an adult, she shouldn’t be needing her mum to step in on her behalf to tell another adult off for their behaviour!

Yes, very. She’s assured that it was a one off visit on the stag, but to find out so publicly was humiliating for her and the other comments were insult to injury

All that is baloney. Her DH obviously knew it was wrong as it seems he ‘forgot’ to tell her. If he believed it was fine to go to a strip club ‘because’ it was his bucks, he would have had no problems telling her what he was doing.

It’s also completely wrong to think it’s acceptable because it’s a stag do. It’s not compulsory, it’s just an ‘excuse’ for shit men to do shit things. My DH didn’t have strippers when we got married decades ago, and he hasn’t been to any stag do’s with them. The last few he went to were wine/cheese tasting tour, and paintball and restaurant. It’s not that hard to be decent🤷‍♀️.

Well i doubt this so called best man will get to go on another stag do as isnt it supposed to be what happens on stag stays on stag for these misogynists

Exactly 💯.

OP don't fall into his trap. Someone like them will be delighted to know that you're angry, and that he can go whining to your daughter and her husband and demand an apology from them. People like that, just don't give him anything. Any reaction at all to them can and wip be used against you. He obviously has malevolent motives. Men like this, lose their bachelor friends to do filthy things with, as the other boys become men and wed. He's trying to sabotage their marriage and get his friends back.

@XelaMshe said someone walked in on the groom with his face in another woman’s unnecessaries. Is that not oral sex?

I hope the tension isn’t your new son in law defending him!! In your dds place the best man would be banned from my house. And my feelings would be focused on how the son in law reacted unless I ever actually saw the loser again.

Your daughter is an adult, it is for her and her husband to deal with not you. Butt out

It might be a relief to you, but would it help your daughter? It really sounds like it wouldn't. Leave this to her. She can come to you if she feels she needs support.

How old are those involved? They sound about 14!

That's not what the OP said. It appears the groom went to a strip club on his stag.

Is it possible that the best man doesn't like your DD and is purposely trying to cause trouble between them?

Am I missing something? Surely the bigger issue here is that the groom cheated on his fiancée on the stag do??

Only if the marriage is consumated

Err you throw water on the fire while it's burning, not days later. The damage is done.
The only reason you would speak up now is if they are going to have another wedding and you were preventing him making another speech. Meddling now is a great way to start even more problems.

What has her husband said? What does he think?

By all means, message him if you want. There's no reason you have to be quiet. You may have put a lot of time, money, excitment and worry that it'd go off well, and you are allowed to speak your mind and not be silenced.

This sadly. Your poor DD, Op. I think all you can do is be there for her & offer her a safe haven to escape to.

I wonder if there's some misdirected anger going on here too? You're annoyed at the best man revealing that the groom is a lying low life but you should be most annoyed at the groom himself.

Your daughters husband chose that best man. He chose to not give any direction / instruction etc, and chose not to intervene.
Based on your update he also chose to go to a strip club knowing your daughter would be upset by that.
The problem in your daughter's life isn't the shit speech at her wedding its the shit misogynistic creepy man she's now married to

Maybe best man one of these who hates losing a mate to marriage so trying to sabotage, or maybe (outside chance) he fancies the DD so again trying to throw DSIL under the bus, or maybe he’s just the epitome of the Porn Hub generation.

Whatever the reason, OP hoping your daughter can annul. The wedding maybe as good as it gets. Be far worse with kids and him acting like this.

Your son in law sounds a peach. To have placed his trust in that Best Man speaks volumes. Fact your daughter been so upset also telling. No man is worth her tears because if they were, they’d not upset her in first place.

Well she has to remain married for the next year or so in any case.

Why not let her and her husband deal with their relationship? The last thing she needs is her parents in her ear

🙄

OP, I’d make sure that DD knows that going to strip clubs is a dealbreaker in lots of couples and if she doesn’t want to be married to him she doesn’t have to.

Been thinking about your DD all afternoon. No wonder you’re upset OP. All the planning, effort, money and most importantly emotion, that she expended trying to make her day so lovely and this absolute crass cretin thinks he’s funny being a vulgar, offensive jack the lad. Joke’s on him there. Anyone who downplays or thinks it was amusing is also an oaf. Really do feel for your girl. Hoping she’s not gone for looks and laddish type. Bad enough his best mate is a silly wee boy and they view women as conquests. Really do wonder who the hell has joined your family. His mask must be really good for you to have gone along with the wedding, but what happened including the stag are massive red flags 🚩 .