To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

Going against the consensus, I would have to say something to the idiot. I'd need to get the thing off my chest & know that I'd said my piece. But I wouldn't do it via Facebook or a text. I'd go to his house and, as calmly as possible, tell him how inappropriate he was & how it did, to some extent, spoil the day.

According to the few friends I still have, I am relatively good as not getting angry while getting my point across. That wasn't always the case but these days I have to say my bit or it eats away at me.

How does the groom do that exactly? Short of causing a scene which would probably be much worse than dealing with it afterwards

It’s too late now, the Groom should’ve intervened when he was giving his speech! I feel so sorry for your Daughter.

I have been to lots of weddings, and never experienced anything like this.

This. My first thought too. Who the hell has she married if this is who he rates highly? If you must speak to anyone speak to your son in law. Tell him you are appalled and didn’t think it was at all acceptable.

If this is how they speak in public can only imagine behind the scenes. I’d be keeping an eye on son in law. He should’ve binned the best man and consoled his new Wife who was rightly upset.

How dreadful for you and your DD. The groom was spineless and should have intervened out of respect for his bride and all the guests who don't want to listen to language that should have no place at a wedding. The best man is immature not to have taken his responsibilities more seriously by drinking far less so he didn't make a tit of himself and upset lots of people. An intervention from you may achieve nothing but it may spare other wedding parties the best man's poor behaviour. If your DD and SIL are OK with you contacting him, I'd do it, but by phone, and resisting the temptation to rant.

Can understand your desire to say something.

Try typing it out, or writing it, then delete it or rip it up and put it in the bin. Sometimes just getting it off your chest can make you feel better.

Really? I can't think of a single best man's speech that's caused any upset at the weddings I've been too.

Stories about silly antics, yes. Stories about the grooms head in another womans cunt? Absolutely not

But tbf those sort of speeches don't come from nowhere. None of the men in my social circle would find that particularly funny and so are unlikely to chose that type of person as their best man

I understand why you were persuaded against "saying something" on the day in order to avoid making an even bigger issue of it.

It's a pity there wasn't another usher or the groom himself able to cut the speech short when it started to go out of hand.

I agree that the best scenario now is for the best man to apologise to the bride and the groom is best placed to arrange this.

Facebook doesn't feel like the appropriate forum for you to contact the best man. Perhaps a letter if you could obtain his address, but do consider what it is you want to say and on whose behalf. I expect your daughter would well be able to speak for herself. If you were writing on your behalf maybe it is as an older man and father to express how he let himself down and let the groom down.

No, don't say anything. All it can possibly do is make things worse for your daughter. This isn't for you to fix, it's between your daughter, her husband and the best man to sort out.

I've seen a few of these. Always horrible and embarrassing but really not in your remit as MOB, and absolutely nothing to do about it now. It might make you feel a bit better briefly but it's not about you. Support your daughter and leave it there.

Far too late now OP. The time was then not weeks later. You’re only doing it to make yourself feel better IMO. It won’t change anything and won’t make your DD feel better

Weddings are the ultimate 'mixed company' usually, with a potential cross section from toddlers to 90+, not an audience who has paid to see a 'blue' comedian. Really dreadful behaviour but I think all you can do is support your DD. 'Best' man won't care and groom should be making it plain that what he did was foul.

No. You should leave it now.

I totally understand that you’re upset & feel it tainted your DDs day somewhat. It was definitely out of order and I would also be furious in your position. However I don’t think messaging the kind of man who found this funny in the first place would help you or DD. In fact his response may make you more angry and upset.

I think this must say a lot about you and the people you mix with.

I've been to many, many weddings for all sorts of people over my lifetime and I have NEVER heard a best man give a speech like this.
Yes, the odd one where a joke didn't land, but, overwhelmingly men telling the guests what a great friend the groom is / has been, with the odd story about something everyone there would find a bit amusing.

This. And if the new husband is defending or trying to justify or laugh this away then he’s the one who needs a chat. The things you’ve mentioned are beyond awful and it’s no wonder your DD is upset.

Really? Almost every wedding?? I’ve never had that at weddings I’ve attended.

In her cunt apparently

Don’t get involved. Your daughter is a grown woman and should be capable of speaking to the best man if necessary

Firstly having sex with your partner is very different to being caught having sex (or something close to) with someone who isn’t your partner. I don’t understand why you’re disagreeing?

Obviously it’s crude and horrendous for either scenario to be relayed in front of your friends and family? But surely you can see that the groom is also at fault in the OPs story? Unless he was unconscious when found with his face in someone’s vagina who wasn’t his fiancee? How is he not also at fault here; you only get a story like that from a best man when the groom has done something in the first place to tell! And obviously best man shouldn’t have said anything on the day, but since he did then I think they’re both equally grim.

We had a family wedding where the best man’s speech was terrible and things were said on the day. Whilst I understand your feelings, doing it now probably won’t achieve anything.

That’s awful and I’d think less of your new SIL as well if that’s the company he keeps. I’ve never been at a wedding where the speeches have been like that but my hairdresser was telling me about one he was at last year and he was disgusted as well. I can’t blame your DD for being mad and she is nbu to never speak to the best man again or to want anything to do with him. However as I’ve said earlier I’d be expecting her new husband to have had a word with him and to also be fuming.

Not much you can do now and speaking to him won’t gain anything either.

best for you and your dd to move on, I would have expected your son in law to have warned him about his speech before he did it. Remember your sil was much younger when this happened and even although it’s not nice to hear he has matured… hopefully.

he obviously thought he was a comedian with no thought for anyone else.

my bill was warned by me and dh to not be a smart arse at his speech or he would be stopped,

I would be leaving it to DDs husband to be speaking to his 'friend' about the speech. Was the groom not embarrassed?

You need to let it go.

I really, really don't understand why men do this. When my brother got married, his best friend (since they were 7 years old and brother married at age 38) gave a moving, delightful speech in which he explained - with lovely, innocently funny stories - why he was honoured to be best man to "the best man I've ever had the privilege to know". It's all the more poignant in retrospect because my brother's friend died suddenly and completely unexpectedly 4 years ago.

I think your SiL sghould have stopped him there and then and if he hasn't subsequently given him an earful, he's already a disappointment.