What would you think of a father in this situation?

So true. My ex saw his boys less than once a month, but he lived 80 miles away, had no car, and was living in sheltered accommodation for his mental health. He couldn't face visits, he did call them regularly though. It was difficult for many years, but as the boys grew up they understood; i never let them feel their Dad had abandoned them.. however hard it got for me bringing them up without his support.

Four hours away is no excuse. My mum in her care home is four hours away and I visit her every week.

That’s not how it works at all until you are very senior. Generally someone in the baby and toddler stage will still very much be at the mercy of the system.

It’s really not that easy

I think we need to hear more about whether the mum would let the child go and stay with him before completely writing him off as useless.

is think he was prioritising himself over his kid, so I’d suspect he was a selfish twat personally

Yep… I actually can believe this might be the only work available to him and given the hours he might be doing his best. I can’t possibly say not knowing the actual person. But I personally wouldn’t make an automatic judgement.

What type of 'medical professional'? There's 400+ NHS trusts, practically one in every town. Unless he is particularly specialist, one of the advantages of being a doctor or a nurse is that there is always a Trust near you so you rarely have to do the commute that private sector people sometimes do.

What type of 'medical professional'? There's 400+ NHS trusts, practically one in every town. Unless he is particularly specialist, one of the advantages of being a doctor or a nurse is that there is always a Trust near you so you rarely have to do the commute that private sector people sometimes do.

Going where the work is doesn't excuse only seeing his son for 12 hours a month though. He's only 4 hours away.

Not that this is a defence of deadbeat dads, but in fairness with the recruitment crisis as it is at the moment in medicine, masses of applicants for way fewer posts than normal, depending on his level of seniority/specialty/stage of training, there may be more of an element of needing to go where the work is in years gone by. It’s a nightmare out there…

My exH did the same took a job far away and dc do have a relationship with him but it’s superficial and they were older and more able keep in contact by phone etc.
i don’t think people realise how much not being around for the mundane small moments changes the relationship.
We wouldn’t expect a long distance romantic relationship to thrive on this schedule and few people would choose one. Why do people think children will maintain the same closeness with someone they see that occasionally and it also puts a lot of pressure on the day they do see him with the result dc often feel they have to be on best behaviour or even that will be withdrawn.
it damages their self esteem as it’s very obvious where they are on an absent parents priority list
My exH wouldn’t even use his annual leave to see dc once he got a new dp who wanted him to use time off for couple holidays
He’s just a very selfish man. But also his loss.

if his family was intact, he wouldn’t be able to just pick up and move to a job wherever he wants. Her career and the child’s needs would be a consideration. He very well might have to limit his job search. Separating shouldn’t change that if he is a good man.

(There will always be caveats for members of the military or who do real hands on relief work. This is why it’s always important to remember that families in a way serve too. )

I feel the need to clarify here that there is no such thing as a single parent benefit. Single income households are of course more likely than dual income households to be more likely eligible to receive benefits. But single income households are still subject to means testing. Plenty of single parents are not eligible for benefits.

Is the child allowed to go and stay with him?

Absolutely pathetic. That is unless the low amount of contact is not in his immediate control to fix (i.e. the mum moved away) AND he's doing everything in his power to fix it as soon as possible.

Pfft. That's not an excuse, that's being a shit parent.

Not the best, but if kept the date every month without fail, and paid his way, then not so bad. Depends on circumstances.

So what's his excuse for only seeing his kid once a month?

Absolutely awful if that is his choice. It may be the mother is blocking access.

Depends on the circumstances. DH saw his daughter a lot more often than that, but his ex made it extremely difficult, and her new husband, who once famously said “I’m her daddy now “ was downright aggressive. I admired DH for hanging on in there, and wouldn’t have blamed him for giving up.

need the back story. Many reasons - illness, is an eskimo - how do we know?

I would absolutely judge someone who only saw their kid once a month.