AIBU to tell my seven-year-old his birthday present in advance?

Yes tell him, but be prepared for the anxiety to transfer to waiting on their arrival.
My DS has terrible anxiety and no patience.
I hope he has a lovely birthday.

Perfect!!

Now he's looking forward to his birthday & getting his present 💕 as opposed to being anxious & unhappy just so the gift giver gets to have the 'moment!

I think the 'surprise' element comes from being taught not to expect a gift, in most families these days not getting a birthday present from parents just isn't something that is a realistic option to kids, plenty of opportunity to learn this in relation to other people.

i also think there's an element (more for adults) of wanting to feel someone knows/loves you enough to choose a gift that's 'perfect' for you.

Whenever I read your posts about your DS (many over the years!!) I always think about how fortunate your DS is to have you for his Mum! 💕

Well done OP you absolutely did the right thing. Plenty of us get through life perfectly fine with Christmas and birthdays not being a surprise. You’ve saved your DC from a lot of unnecessary stress

We don't do gifts, as adults and once mine got to teenage years, they'd pick clothes/footwear and want cash/vouchers. So in terms of birthday/Christmas surprises, they don't have to learn to wait. Most people are moving away from buying stuff, once the tween/teen years start. Why make the next few years anxiety inducing? It doesn't make sense.

Why do presents need to be a "surprise" though? If a person wants to know what they're getting then why the need for secrecy?

I don't think liking surprises is a mandatory life skill. If he ends up never wanting surprises that's really OK too.

Right now all that's happened is all the stress and fear has been taken out of his birthday in one simple move. All good.

Yep and she’s also said she’s also going to talk to him afterwards the presents which were surprises and see how he felt about it in retrospect.

These feelings do need to be explored rather than automatically given into, perhaps creating a life long anxiety around surprise presents.

Yeah, wouldn't have worked for me. I never got used to the idea of presents and surprise being something pleasant and to be looked forward to. Remained stressful for ever and I've refused to accept any for years.

OP's son now has the ability to look forward to his birthday because the stress has been taken out of it. An excellent result.

This is why you chat about WHY he’s worried. If it’s about knowing how to react as it was in your case, then that is something that can be talked through and fears allayed.

When my children were younger maybe at age 8/9 ish, at Christmas I talked about saying thank you to wider family and avoiding using words or expressions that showed disappointment. I explained that there are always lots of presents that we’re really pleased with but sometimes we just politely say thank you to not hurt the feelings of the person that kindly gave us the present. They also knew that they could be honest with me and tell me they didn’t like something (and occasionally they did when they were a bit older and eg the top I’d bought wasn’t the right style but they’d learned how to do this tactfully and usually they were thrilled with everything, especially the surprises as we as parents tend to be very in tune with what they’re in to).

So you think an anxious, upset small child is "throwing a tantrum"

Who says it was a tantrum? He sounded really upset and worried. Now he knows OP says he's completely calmed down and isn't asking to get it early or anything.

The fear has been taken out of it, now he seems to he calmly looking forward to his birthday and it will be more enjoyable for everyone. Win win.

No it isn't. Throwing a tantrum about it is unusual though, even at 7.

And disliking surprises is not at all unusual behaviour.

There are lots of other ways of helping a child get used to dealing with the unexpected. There's no need to spoil his birthday by turning it into a 'learning experience '.

Tell him, what harm can it do?

Aw my DD is the same ( she's auhd ) she hates surprises, they stress her out so much. She also hates unwrapping things 😅

i tell DD what she's getting, I do get little bits and don't pre warn her but for big things I let her know

Prior to finding out she was auhd, she would alwaus cry at birthdays and Christmases 😪

Is there something he really wants and he's worried he won't get it? Did you ask what he wanted or will it actually be a total surprise? I think a lot of kids his age would find that stressful.

Edited to say: now I've seen your update I'm glad you told him. It isn't necessary to make people wait.

Very normal for young children to find surprises stressful.

Maybe not at 7 but by 9 I was doing everything I could to find presents before they were wrapped so I could work out in advance how to react. I loathed the not knowing immensely. Never enjoyed unwrapping anything and found it massively stressful. It's horrible for some children, and adults.

Of course you tell him. Why wouldn't you make his birthday less stressful for him?

This! Its quite alarming the number of people in this thread that think a parent should just bow to tantrums and not even explore the cause. Even though people are saying 'I don't like surprises' I presume you don't sob about getting a birthday present. That is very unusual behaviour. You need to explore whether he is just having a tantrum or whether there is something deeper than that. Either way, just telling him what it is just papering over the cracks.

Great outcome OP. Glad he’s happy! You can ask him next time if he would like a surprise that you choose, or if he would like to know, or a mixture of both. One advantage of knowing is the enjoyment of anticipation - eg I love looking forward to a holiday I’d planned. Or for your son looking forward to a present he really wants.

That’s generally not what happens with children’s birthdays though is it? The recipient in the op is 7 years old.
Usually the parents know what they want and what they like and will buy them presents accordingly. Many kids also make lists. So nothing is really that surprising and very rarely something they don’t want or like.

I’m NT but surely surprise gifts are objectively stressful, aren’t they? What if you don’t like it and feel money has been wasted and you’re stuck with something you hate (or are just a bit disappointed with), AND you didn’t get anything you actually do like?!