AIBU to tell my seven-year-old his birthday present in advance?

Pretty pointless analogy comparing food which is eaten multiple times every single day to a birthday which happens once a year.

Obviously no one’s making their child eat broccoli on their birthday if they don’t like it. Birthday presents only happen on birthdays though.

Who said anything about a “hard lesson”? I suggested a gentle chat about why it’s making him worried.

Who says a present has to be a surprise? Lots of people hate surprises. This is a case of much ado about nothing. Just tell the poor kid and put him out of his misery.

@my son was like this. I used to wrap his gifts up in clear cellophane, tied with colourful ribbon. That way, he could see his gifts in advance, but still had something to open on the day. It was too stressful other wise.

It never even occurred to me that birthday presents (or even Christmas presents) are supposed to be a surprise.
My mum always asked do you want something specific or a surprise and I do the same.

Yeah I can read thanks. It's his birthday. It's not an opportunity to teach him a hard lesson. I wouldn't make my child eat a food he hated but which was good for him in the long run on his birthday. I would do that one of the other 364 days of the year. It's called being normal.

I was replying specifically to the pp who said she’d been through her entire life (“decades”) never not knowing what a present would be, it wasn’t about the 7 year old.

He is 7 he will mature, and learn to manage his feelings but his mum doesn't have to insist on suprise gifts or he be grateful for the thought of a suprise, they can manage birthdays so he is actually happy on his birthday.

My Dd is in her 30s she still hates surprises but she manages to keep it to herself if other family or friends give her a gift.

Nah. For me it's the very act of anyone buying me something I can't be doing with. Not so much about not knowing how to react any more. The surprise element is immaterial.

But there's nothing to suggest OP's son is going to be a 50th as weird as I am in the future. Whether he has to try and work out why he was bothered this year or not

Who said anything about making a big deal of it? Just have a chat about why he’s worried about it and try to allay the underlying fear.

Maybe if your parents had talked to you and addressed your fear of not knowing how to react, you wouldn’t have ended up in a situation of no one ever giving you presents.

Sure, but I also don't think making a big deal of it at 7 is the way to avoid future anxiety. Just taking the pressure of by simply answering the question and making the whole palaver less intense is all that's required. Doesn't need a big introspection.

Yes, there is. But even if the person 'just doesn't like' surprises, there's no kindness in surprising them is there & on someone's birthday it should be about them, not the gift giver.

Ok so we’ve established your position is extreme and a long way from the norm.

So my original point that you don’t want to allow a life long anxiety around unknown presents to develop because you can’t avoid surprise presents all your life, is valid.

I was replying specifically to the pp who said she’d been through her entire life (“decades”) never not knowing what a present would be, it wasn’t about the 7 year old.
If you’re going to wade in on an ongoing conversation, you need the whole context.

I don’t think not knowing what one of 7 or 8 friends might bring for a present to your birthday party is the same as not knowing what your main present from your parents is going to be - the OP’s post was specifically about “his present”.

I don't receive any presents. Most people don't know when my birthday is and those that do know to pretend not to.

But even without that extreme position it can't be that difficult to expect most presents not to be surprises. Although even more likely is that as the number of presents tends to reduce as you get older anyway that even a child who is anxious about it will likely grow out of that to a degree without it having to be a big discussion at 7.

Would telling him two different options and saying its one of these two options? Then his mind won't be completely wondering what it may be but will still be a surprise?

Right so all your friends, family, work colleagues etc tell you exactly what they’re buying you beforehand.

That’s actually not the norm to know in advance about every single present you ever receive.

Of course you can. I haven't had any for decades.

You can’t avoid surprise presents all your life though…

And dealing with that by just avoiding surprise presents is a perfectly valid tactic.

Any chance he’s behaving like this to get his own way?

My DDs have always known what their main present ois because it’s something they’ve asked for, we get a few little things too as surprises.
I hated opening presents in front of people as a kid too, don’t spoil his birthday over something so trivial

There’s a difference between just not liking surprises and actually feeling anxious about surprises.

There seems no sense in insisting that your DS has to be surprised when he is distressed by being surprised. Gifts don’t have to be unexpected or unknown.

Exactly. Insisting on giving a surprise present (or party) to someone who doesn't like surprises is just about gratification for the giver, not the recipient.