Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

You are so NOT being unreasonable. When this lowlife disappears, your family and friends are the ones who will support you. They are part of your life, not his and not yours as a couple. Treasure them!
Meanwhile just make sure he isn't trying to cut you off.. There are a few not quite red but definitely dark pink flags going on here..

He just wants help with the kids. Not your responsibility at all! Even though I have my own kids, if I were to split with their father and start dating again, I would never date someone that had their children every weekend. Yes it could be called selfish, but we're allowed to be selfish- that's what people forget.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time.

Translation = you are not doing enough childcare

This

i am really sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread. There is no point because I have already read a version of this thread, hundreds of times on here. Hundreds.
So many bloody men, lining up the next woman to parent their child. Over and over and over.
Lazy arsed men, have a child, move on, don’t really want to actually parent, want to meet someone else and pass the parenting on to their next woman.
I’m feeling a bit all over it this morning (in case you couldn’t tell)
You have done nothing wrong. You can love her but she’s not your child. She has parents who should be parenting. It is not down to you to make up for her shitty parents. Of course you are kind to her, she’s a child, anyone with an ounce of compassion will care about her, love her even, want the best for her. BUT just because you’re a woman, it does not make you a human support animal for a man. Have your weekend days, have more of them please.

Go back home and ne with your friends and family and find a less complicated relationship. You do sound more like a nanny than a partner. This set up would be hard enough if she was your child.

i say this as a stepmother of 3 who are now grown up….

Well obviously he's the selfish one! What an entitled twat. He expects you to look after his DC and he's trying to get you back in line.

You did do too much at first, putting so much effort in. You've given up your life for this man. Are you happy?

A PP asked how you felt visiting your home town and how you felt coming back. This is your answer.

IME things don't magically get better. This man is very selfish and doesn't think you are entitled to the same things he enjoys. He doesn't make any effort to include you in his fun things. Is this all enough for you?

He’s a selfish prick who wants you to do all the childcare he should be doing. Leave him and move back home to your family and friends.

I wouldnt date a man with a child end of.

How old are you OP? How do you feel when you are driving to see your friends and family? (Excitement? Relief? Joy?) And how do you feel driving back to that place and him? (Dread, anxiety?). I know this may sound extreme but I think you should walk away from this and move back to your support network. He sounds selfish and controlling and it will only get worse. You only get one life. Do you want this “to be it?”
good luck xx

Just to join the choir, you're not being selfish. Your partner ('') is. If 'family should be enough' then why is he out with his mates most evenings? Sounds like a prize asshole, tbh.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm afraid your post is so damning of your partner's behaviour it's hard to see he's given you any reason to stay with him. You sound lovely and can and do much better than him. Well done for posting this and please, please listen to what the vast majority of people are saying. The longer you stay with him the harder it will be for you to leave. Good luck.

I would leave him asap. It's bad enough having a selfish man child around when the kids are your own. I wouldn't be pandering to this nonsense for a second longer.
You get one life. Is this the one you want? He is a time and energy thief. Sees your life as less valuable than his and doesnt want to parent his own child alone. Run for the hills. If you have children with him he will be even more selfish and you will leave anyway.

Move back home @Chillonthesarnie .

The DD deserves some time just her and her dad. This is what she will remember when she is older.

Keep taking your day off at the weekend.

After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

It sounds like you realised at this point that this bloke does not respect you, does not consider you his equal (he thinks that his time, wants, and needs trump yours every time), does not have your best interests at heart, and does not treat you like a partner (rather like a servant). You pushed back, said no, explained how his demands and expectations negatively impacted you and he STILL tried to bully you over it. He resisted your "no", he did not want to compromise even when he saw that his actions were hurting you. He put himself first at your expense. Finally he gave up this pathway because he was getting nowhere, and he was probably terrified you'd wise up and leave him.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

Plenty of grown ups still have strong ties with their parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, whoever. Be wary as he may be intentionally trying to isolate you from your support network to make you more dependent oh him. There's also a hefty dose of irony here; you're both adults but of the two of you only HE has chosen to be a parent. HE needs to "grow up" and take care of his child or else pay someone to do it. And by the way if he has his daughter 4-5 nights a week in practice, regardless of what he and the mother might have agreed, it is not 50/50 custody and he should look into whether he is owed child maintenance from the mother, which he could use to pay for a carer when he wants to go out despite having his child with him.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him.

Of course he does. He does not demand the same sacrifices from himself as he does from you, because HE is important and you aren't. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, that's your choice, but for goodness sake stop internalising his nonsense. You stood up for yourself once; you can again.

The poster you were replying to here was being a bit of a dick to you in my opinion (wow, barely past 6am and mumsnet has inspired me to use that word twice today already!).

Let's set aside the fact that this is your DP's DD and not biologically your own. Two people parenting together should ideally get roughly equal time to themselves to do their own things and connect with their own friends and families. If one parent can do this more easily than the other on a day-to-day basis - for instance due to distance, as is in your case - it makes sense for one person to have a sort of single block of time less frequently whilst the other has more little outings. So far, so sensible as far as I can see. Maybe if your DP wants to do some weekend things by himself occasionally, you might decide to facilitate that so that he can experience a whole day 'off' too, but it makes sense for this to be far less frequent than you going off for the day because in your case it's the only way you can see these people who matter to you!

I do think that there is perhaps a deeper thing going on here. Your DP presumably knows you've been struggling and feeling isolatated, yet still seems like he's unhappy with you taking this time for yourself. He also sounds like a hypocrite. You mention that he used to take advantage and would happily go off to do his own thing on weekends in the past, so this suggests that his objection isn't really about a lack of family time. It is about you not being there to help him parent. And if he is off most evenings, he isn't sending you the message that he greatly values your company.

Do you love this man? Do you trust him and his values? Do you enjoy spending time together, both 1:1 and with his DD? Because this is your life you are building right now. Your happiness matters, and I am curious about whether your feeling low at the moment is telling you something about your situation not being right for you. If this is not the right person for you, it is not too late to step back and make a different choice.

Add up his hobby time each week. Make a bet that the hours he spends doing hobbies are similar in number to the time you spend catching up with your friends.

Honestly just knock this one on the head ad move back home. He sounds awful.

It never seems to be the other way round, where the mum with kids says the man without kids is being selfish! @Chillonthesarnie I was the mum who had small children, and I never pushed my then partner to do the family thing all the time. They are my children! Cant believe the nerve of this man. You can definitely do better

He is taking the piss and has spoken to you very disrespectfully, ironic that he told you to grow up when he sounds very petty to me, throwing his toys out the pram when you question his obvious plan to use you for free childcare while he goes out to hobbies every night like a teenager.
I think you already know this isn't right for you - leave him, go to your family asap & put this behind you, you deserve better x

He is taking the piss!

Stop doing nice things for men. The only currency they understand is s** and money. Unless you leverage one of those things, you will end up in therapy.

Leave this selfish nasty man

Please prioritize yourself. The other adults are prioritizing themselves.