Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

You are not a parent.
He is.

Clearly he wants a partner who will take on a full parenting role because he doesn't like doing it on his own. If that's not what you signed up for, then this is not the relationship for you (or him).

Five-year-olds aren't toddlers! Agree with the rest, though.

You are not a family.
He has a child, not you.

He calls you selfish because he feels entitled to free childcare.
Thats what you mean to him.

He is a walking cliché.

Man with child that needs free childcare, uses daft womam and gets her to move where he lives.

Wake up before it's too late.

A pregnancy would be an even bigger mistake.

Find a job back home.
Tell your family and friends the truth and pack your bags while you can.

Oh dear, another nanny with a fanny.

You have been very silly to move for a man who wants to use you as skivvy aupair.

Of course he doesn't want you to see family and friends.

No wonder your mental health is so poor.

Family time?

It's his child, not yours.
He's just another loser that wants a woman to do his parenting.

Do not get pregnant.
You will be so stuck if you do.
Move home and end this relationship.
You will bitterly regret it if you don't.

What are you getting from this relationship?

You’re not being unreasonable. I thought from the title you were going to be complaining about a child staying every other weekend!

Many people would think you are being helpful in allowing them some alone time one on one. It’s sounds like your partner just wants you there to do the work. That’s quite a red flag in the circumstances.

Driving all that way in one day sounds a strain though…would it be easier for you to go every other weekend but stay a night?

I'd leave

OP it strikes me that you are describing your life as a relentless grind of work and childcare when you are 2 years into a new relationship. And you don’t even have kids!

This is the time in your relationship/life where you should be feeling light, in love and footloose and fancy-free. If you do have children of your own eventually, there may well be a limited period in your life where you feel as you describe feeling now. Although hopefully you will have children with a better man than this one so it won’t be nearly as bad.

But anyway why on earth would you jump straight into that hard part of life without first having the loveliness of being in a new couple, without family responsibilities?

2 years in and recently moved in together you should be shagging 24/7, going on fun nights out together, making friends with each other’s friends and generally just enjoying life and love. If it’s all drudgery now it’s not going to be any better later on.

Is there any hobby you can start yourself during the week after work, you may not feel so lonely and you may make new friends. Even push yourself to do one night. It sounds like you go home from work and you are on your own as he is off doing his hobbies. But equally I would agree that he can bugger off if he thinks you should spend your whole weekend with him and his child - You are good to do one day over the weekend - she is not your daughter, she's his and therefore his responsibility.

This. I can't emphasise enough how much I agree with this.

Look for a new job near to your family and friends, this is not a good long term relationship for you.

This. I can't emphasise enough how much I agree with this.

Look for a new job near to your family and friends, this is not a good long term relationship for you.

'He says we're a family and that should be enough' - so why is he out visiting friends? While you're looking after his daughter? I really think he saw you coming. You even moved away from your friends to be with him! I'll bet he was rubbing his hands with glee. I hope you can extricate yourself from this detrimental situation; I wish you well.

Did you discuss the dynamics of this before you moved in together? If so, who has moved the goalposts?

If he wants you to be more involved in family time thats great. If he wants you to be at home so he can leave you caring for his child yanbu at all.

@Chillonthesarnieyou know you are not unreasonable and his suggestion that you do not need friends or a social life beyond him and his child is just completely wrong and worrying. So what are you going to do?

I would think twice before dating a man with a toddler. Why did they split up?

I was a volunteer and became caseworker for domestic violence abuse. The first thing they train you about is that abusers will encourage you to leave all of your support network in order to manipulate you and control you totally.

They try to convince you your friends are fake, your family is horrible, you deserve a better job until you are totally in their domain isolated from anyone and possibly moneyless , or they control your finance. A frequent manipulation is to convince you that you are responsible for their behaviour because you don't supply what they want, instigating a sense of guilt.

Honestly I see a huge horrific red flag in the attitude you described.
Moreover as others said you owe nothing to this child, let alone to him.

You're possibly good natured, predators have an instinct for those women they can exploit.

Look after yourself and contact domestic violence services, at least for a consultation. Even better, as others suggested, take some distance and surround yourself with a support network before you get brainwashed.

He's got some fucking brass neck arranging plans with his mates, (that he sees all week anyway) and expecting you to look after HIS child on a weekend and causing arguments and then when you use your weekends to see your elderly parents and friends, you moved away from to be with him and leave him to spend time with his daughter turn it round on you that you're avoiding family time!!!

Tell him to get fucked. I really would run he sounds like a massive twat!! Even a paid nanny gets a day off and doesn't have to suck his entitled cock!

Oh and yes he’s obviously being so selfish it shouldn’t need to be pointed out. I don’t understand though why you left your entire life to be with him? You have failed to make a new life where you are and I think that tells you something about where you really feel you belong.

I honestly can’t imagine a man so amazing I would live with his 5-year-old. Life with children is so hard and what saves it is they’re my children that I love.

Is he gorgeous, funny, intelligent, rich, amazing in bed, kind, thoughtful, selfless?

Well, we know he is not the last three, based on this post. And even if he has all the other traits - still not remotely worth it.

I couldn't agree more. My husband used to get really pissed off if I even thought about not being there when his kids were at his (except for work)
Thank god they're adults now

OP go and see your family and friends as often as you want. Stop over and spend the whole weekend of you need to.
Your principle should be that you are not the child’s parent, he is, and you will not be left in sole charge of her. I’d maybe relax that if she is already asleep and you have nothing planned. So the rules are:

• Your free time is entirely that and you will do no babysitting other than by express prior agreement. You can go out at any moment.
• You are not the child’s parent, he is, and you will do no childcare. This includes caring for he such as bath time, cooking and washing and also arranging activities for the child,. You may choose to join him or not when he arranges things.

Yeah, you need to consider moving back near your family & friends, and leaving this relationship. He was happy for you to look after his dd & when you stopped, he argued about it. He spends his weekday evenings out, when does he spend time with you? The comment about you not needing support from others & that you should focus on you new family is very concerning. I suspect he thought that you would be more isolated by moving 3 hours away from your support network, and is trying to make you give them up, which is a big red flag. He just wants you there to help with childcare, please don't have a baby with him, he's already shown you who he is.

You’re being taken advantage of by your partner (& his ex). It’s great you are loving and welcoming to DSD but the idea that you are no longer allowed a life of your own and see your own family and friends because you have to look after her instead of her own parents is appalling.

I would move back out and reframe the relationship and if you want to continue, see him when he is free or can get a babysitter. I think he’ll very quickly try to replace you with another nurse and possibly also purse! You don’t mention finances but I can guess you’re also paying for a lot!

Poor little kid.