Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

It's funny how his insistence that the 3 of you are a family means you should stay home, but simultaneously means he gets to go out and do his own thing whenever he fancies.

He seems to want you and daughter to be a family while he benevolently pops in and out like a jolly but carefree uncle.

Not another one of these threads. Move home.

You’re not doing anything wrong. If you had the child full time (which you almost do!), you would need to take time out to see your friends and family, so I don’t know why he feels you shouldn’t do that with the current schedule too. Weekends are your only opportunity to travel as far as you need.
Talk to him. Remind him that you moved your life to be with him, but that didn’t include cutting off old friends and family.

As a broader point, I assume you knew what you were getting into when moving in with a man with a child? Being a step mum is very tough. Getting the balance right is virtually impossible. He needs to support your efforts, not criticise you or your motives when you need time away.

Sorry honestly your partner is a dick. He was a dick before, he pretended not to be a dick for a bit to keep you on the hook but has reverted to type.

It’s so phenomenally selfish that I’m flabbergasted. Why should you not see family and friends if you want to and it helps his mental health? He sees his friends and daughter. Plus you try to spend one day with them, shouldn’t he enjoy the fact that he gets 1-1 time with his own child on the other day? It honestly either sounds like he’s either super-lazy or just enjoys controlling you.

Either way I’m willing to bet that your mental health is not helped by him. I would be calling time on this asap.

I wonder if this is the right relationship for you?

Your partner wants to play happy families and
you don't which is fair enough.
You also have a strong emotional and practical attachment to your old home and don't seem to have fully committed to your new home or location or made new social connections.
Which again is fair enough but you need to really think about what you want. Are you sure enough that he is the person you want to spend your life with, given his first responsibility will always be to his child and your preference is to be with your friends and family who live in a different town.
You are not selfish but you and your partner want different things neither of you are wrong.

I think you're probably both right. I understand your need/desire to spend time with your own family and friends. I can see his POV that, if you're to be a family, you need to engage properly with that, but that probably means a man with a child isn't right for you, and that he needs someone more able to accept a ready made family.

You could point out that 121 time with his child is also v good for the child, but that's not the relationship he wants. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, you won't change it, so your choice is to decide you're happy to live that life.....or not.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

He needs to take his own advice. How about:

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from her with parenting my own child all the time. She says she needs to balance that with seeing her own family and friends one day a week and that is completely reasonable considering that I can see my own family and friends most evenings but she can't, as she moved away from her home to be with me, spends a whole weekend day with us, takes the trouble to plan nice things and babysits on other evenings so I can go out and do what I want.

If I were you I would move back to my home town as I doubt he will change. Whatever you do, don't have children with him, it would be a very convenient way of keeping you tied to the home and parenting his older child by default.

Poor girl, he ought to be relishing the chance to have one on one time with her once a week. I'm sure she'd like that too, rather than being made to feel like a burden he wants to palm off onto you.

But you are not avoiding family time. You are prioritising family time - but avoiding doing his parenting work. You are not a parent to his daughter - not married, therefore not a step parenting. He doesn’t think you are entitled to support because he thinks he is entitled to more support than you do.

No wonder you are stressed.

Time to throw this one back, I think, and move back to support network who support you rather than criticise you for not doing their jobs.

So he gets to go out and see his chums most nights and you're babysitting HIS child to facilitate that, but you're selfish for wanting ONE DAY A WEEK to visit YOUR family and friends????

He is a cunt and you are a fool for putting up with him.

From the title I was expecting you to be complaining about not getting him to yourself, but he's actually complaining he has to parent his child alone?!

I'd move back home, genuinely. This isn't the man for you.

He is isolating you and making you dependent on him
Go back to where you lived before
Dont have kids with him

No, you should end this relationship and move back to be near your friends and family. It’s just not working.

“Grow up.” Is a phrase well used by abusers. There’s info about it on the Woman’s Aid website.

Telling a woman to "grow up" can be a form of emotional abuse depending on how it is used. If the phrase is used consistently to dismiss her feelings, invalidate her experiences, or avoid taking responsibility for harmful actions, it acts as a manipulative tactic to make her doubt her own reality. 1]
When it crosses into abuse
It is used to gaslight: The phrase makes the woman question her own sanity or feelings.
It shuts down communication: The speaker uses it to avoid a fair conversation or listening to her.
It attacks her self-worth: It is used as a put-down to make her feel small or childish.
It covers up bad behaviour: It acts as an excuse for the speaker to continue their own disrespectful or toxic actions.

The question isn’t about moving, it’s about him being controlling about her weekends. She can spend some free time doing what she wants, it’s not all about partner and step child. Plus l bet he guilted her into moving, like he’s guilting her now about weekends

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

I actually laughed out loud at that silly question.

I think if I were you I'd be moving back to where I lived previously.

And then question what in God's name made me move 3 hours away from home, to live with a man and his child who at that point you'd only been in a relationship with for a relatively short time!

How long were you together when you moved in, if you've only been together 2 years now??

Your bf wanted a bangmaidnanny and you're it. He's trying to guilt you into not seeing your family and friends so you will be available to provide childcare.

Do not have kids with him. Time to dump him and move back to your home area.

He thinks you're selfish for having a day a week to yourself, well you need to remind him that all those evenings when he goes out are selfish, I bet he doesn't ask if you mind, he just goes.
You made a big, big mistake taking over care of his DC at the start @Chillonthesarnie , now he's not grateful to you, he feels entitled to your time. You're not his child's mother, you aren't responsible for them, he is.
I think a pp was quite right, I think your mental health would improve massively if you left and went home

He didn't. Did you read the OP?

Nobody made her move three hours away to be with him. That was her choice.
And nobody I know travels six hours every weekend to see family.
If she regrets her decision she should be open about that. And honest to herself.

This 100%, he’s got it made, hasn’t he?
Live-in 24/7 nanny/cook/housekeeper/cleaner so he’s free to do whatever he likes.
For heaven’s sake OP wake up! He’s using you.

There is a middle way -OP is in that! 1 day for partner and step child. She’s “allowed” to spend 1 day out 7 doing what she wants -the other 5 she works in a demanding job. It sounds like OP is doing all the compromise especially the moving 3 hours away from her friends and family. She can’t orientate every waking hour round her partner and step child

No, he hasn’t. She complained when he went out at the weekend. And so he accepted her point of view.

She spends a full weekend day every week with her partner's child. That is the 'middle way' that you have suggested. She doesn't need to calm down, she needs to stick up for herself when her partner tells her that she is selfish. He wants OP there as unpaid child care while he goes out and does his own thing at the weekend.

He should be speaking to his child's mother about why she hardly spends any time with her own child.

@Monty36 , When you got together with him his daughter came as part of the package. You cannot separate her and indeed the looking after of her from him.
He seems to have separated himself from his daughter and looking after her.

When a child comes with a man and you ostensibly take them on and the child is spending most of the week with you, you agree things together. You become a family. There should not be ‘his job to entertain her’.
He is not agreeing things together is he. He swans off and leaves his newish girlfriend to entertain his child.

Bit strong ? People are just expressing their views.
When a child comes with a man and you ostensibly take them on and the child is spending most of the week with you, you agree things together. You become a family. There should not be ‘his job to entertain her’.