“That’s what your 20s are for!”

I think it's a combination of the sadness of letting go of childhood dreams ("guess I'll never be an actress now"), and the limiting of lots of possibilities i.e. we can't just upsticks and travel round the world, the kids are coming up to GCSEs and the mortage needs paid. Thw daily grind can be monotonous and exhausting, and that might result in people making a radical and irrational decision. In the past it might have been the motorbike, but now I would guess we see it more in sudden divorces or career changes.

What would describe as a mid life crisis though?

People need to do what they want to do. Now that we are living longer, working longer, there isn't the same pressure to "settle down" in one's twenties as there was fifty years ago. That said, it doesn't mean it's obligatory to go wild. For the person who does want to settle down, there's no point in backpacking round Asia/working for peanuts with no health and safety in a Peruvian hostel.

If you do want to cut loose though, better to do it young.

Telling yourself you'll wait until your kids grow up is a bit of a gamble. What if your health's not so great by then? Even if you're ok, your parents - if they're still alive - very likely won't be. Your kids might have kids young and need your support. How much would you really enjoy your crazy time out knowing that people you have ties to and could help, are struggling?

Partied young and settled down later into a comfortable career and life.
Couldn't imagine doing it in reverse - if only for the fact there hasn't been enough energy in the tank for three day raves since I passed 40.

I bought a 3 bed semi when I was 25 but that was 32 years ago when it was much easier.

I still live in it now and the value has gone from 57k to 460k so I will never regret it.

But as an aside, it didn't mean I had to settle down and it certainly didn't stop me from living a colourful life!

Having fun holidays is not remotely similar to that feeling of stepping out and being completely untethered

I settled down at 21 and I'm very pleased I did. I still had some amazing holidays and experiences with DH and with friends. I also had independence, peace and stability. I partied very, very hard in my late teens. That was enough for me. I was ready for less chaos and more routine and stability.
Both paths are valid. We are all individuals. I'd be very proud of my DC if they had their life partner and a mortgage in their early 20s. I'd also be very proud if they were single and traveling the world.

I would love to see the results of a long term study as to whether having a fun 20s means you are at less risk of having a mid-life crisis, versus settling down early. I remember a study that showed happiness naturally decreases in mid-life for both humans and monkeys! But picks up for both around 60. So mid-life crisis might be hard wired. But as someone who didn't start doing all the grown up things til my 30s I do think I may be more comfortablr with my quieter mid-life than some of my friends are.

I find it depressing when people on here say “I want to live my life/travel/have fun before having children”, as though they just accept that their lives will be dull after having children.

I also wonder about the overlap with people in their 30s now complaining about high mortgage and childcare costs, not being able to afford big days out etc.

I was married at 23 with a house and a mortgage. We spend our 20s and 30s travelling, climbing the housing ladder, partying with friends. By the time kids came along in our 40s we had done most of what we wanted to and were financially secure enough to manage the costs associated with 2 kids, able to work more flexibly because our careers were well established and were generally content with our earlier choices.

I’m mid 20s woth children and currently buying. My first house will be a very nice 3-bed house down south. I don’t care if it’s boring- Im excited to fill it with more children and pets, and plan holidays and life events and build a happy stable life for us.

I’ve never felt the need to criticise others who spend their money freely, party, travel and don’t settle down. That sounds great, too. I hope my own children do whatever makes them happy.

Always the case of MN that people criticise the former and I don’t really understand why. You can commitments in life and still have fun. Yet anyone who doesn’t follow the status quo is looked down on with pity. Let people be happy, sheesh.

I did both. Moved from sleepy hometown to go to uni in London, bought my first London flat at 21 (it was only £42k!) was working in investment banking by 25 earning lots of money and having a blast. Married at 29 (to another investment banker) but didn’t have DC until I was 34 - we were too busy working, going on fancy holidays and generally enjoying London life. I’m 51 now, still working in IB, financially secure and will probably retire once DC are through uni when I’m 57. I’m pretty content with the choices I’ve made.

I did both. Bought a house aged 23, and did loads of travelling and lived abroad for a few years, rented house out

It would be financially impossible for my adult DC to do that now.

I partied quite enough at uni and the thought doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

I’m quite sure everyone expected me to focus on travel and a career after I graduated, and I’m sure I’d have enjoyed that.

However, I have a relatively minor medical condition that I thought may cause me to struggle carrying babies. I also knew several women struggling with infertility in their 30s. So in my head I thought I can either choose to start trying for a baby now to maximise my chances, and risk missing the chance to travel. Or, I could travel now and risk not being able to have children later. Having children is massively more important to me than travelling, so I chose the former. I’m sure others would view it differently, but there was just no way in my head that I could happily risk not being able to have children.

Happily, I have had three incredibly easy conceptions and trouble-free pregnancies so I didn’t need to worry, but I am glad I had children young(ish - I was 23 when I first got pregnant so not incredibly young). I will have plenty of money and opportunity to do whatever I fancy in my 30s and 40s. So I’m very pleased with my choices.

People just do things differently. One of my ds's doesn't want to buy yet, he's moving around chasing promotions and loves his holidays. My younger ds is buying his first home at 25 and hopes to retire young and I guess will do his travelling then. DD is only 21 and has already done US summer camp and travelling . Personally I didn't get a mortgage until in my thirties due to living abroad etc.

There are things you have to do in your 20s simply because your mind is still malleable enough to soak in a wide range of experiences and have them shift who you are.
Yeah, you could travel the world, bedding down with random strangers, do drugs, take inappropriate jobs, make massive life U-turns in your 30s and 40s. But by yhat stage your sense of self has somewhat solidified and these experiences are layered underneath a kind of sharper eyed glaze.
Your 20s are a fairly magical time where a lot of boundaries are sort of misty, and things simultaneously hit harder and softer than they do in later decades.
Thats why your 20s are a special time that should be maximised

In my 20s, I bought a house, a flat, another house, got married, divorced, married again. I had a miscarriage and then had my two DC. It was a busy decade!

It depends on the options open to you. I would have loved to have travelled the world in my 20s after uni but I had zero funds to do so. Who would have paid? No one!

So I needed to work to support myself and needed somewhere to live. I bought a flat when I was 23 (in those days property was much cheaper and it made more financial sense than ranting). Not because I wanted to settle down but because I needed somewhere to live.

I imagine graduates have even less opportunity to spend money on travelling and partying these days as they have student debt and rising interest hanging over them.

Don’t see why you can’t do both.

i had kids and a mortgage at 23.

we took them to China when they were five, and have travelled around the world with them.

they’re adults now.

honestly, now that I’m older and I can see both paths there’s not much in it. I’m 48 and my kids are flown and I travel a lot independently whereas friends I was at uni with have an 8 year old and a 10 year old and are begging me to tell them it gets better.

unless you literally have hundreds of kids over thirty years you do get a child free part of life it’s just where it comes.

I became a parent in my twenties, I also temporarily moved to the US, travelled the world for 18 months as a trailing and happily kept spouse, played a sport professionally on a fulltime basis and drank far too much.

I wasn’t a home owner until I was 30, but owning a home doesn’t have to mean settling down. I have friends who bought in their early twenties, rented it out and went travelling.

I’ve never understood why some life choices are treated as “finding yourself” while others are treated as somehow wasting your youth.

If someone spends their twenties travelling, dating, changing careers and living in shared houses, people say they’re gaining life experience. If someone spends their twenties getting married, buying a home and raising children, suddenly they’re told they settled too soon.

The irony is that many of the same people who bristle at being told they should have children are perfectly comfortable telling others they shouldn’t have married young, bought a house, or started a family.

There isn’t a correct way to spend your twenties. For some people, freedom looks like a backpack and a one-way ticket. For others, it looks like creating a home and building a family. Both are valid. Both involve sacrifices. Both teach you things you couldn’t learn any other way.

The whole point is choice. The moment we start deciding which life experiences count as “real” and which don’t, we’ve missed it entirely.

I think both are valid paths to take as is a third path of never settle down. I recognise that only the privileged get to choose which path, most of us are shunted down one path or another due to circumstances beyond our control.

For myself, I had seen much of the world by the time I was a teenager as the daughter of a dad in the RAF. I was financially independent and living in a house share by 16. I joined the armed forces and went to Bosnia. So when I married at 20 (and a half) I was not some naive only lived in one town going from my parents house to a man’s house kind of woman. I had seen and done a lot by then. I was ready for a peaceful home life and to save up to buy a house, then have children and raise them.

I came from a background where education and financial stability was the priority. So my 20s although eventful, was secondary to putting in the hard work and sacrifice.

Had my kids later in mid 30s and 40. BUT it means now that in our 40s we are highly skilled, financially secure and able to give our children so much and plan for their future. We are able to take it ‘easier’ now because the harder work was done earlier.

Personally for me, we are raising our kids the same. Hard work first and then you can relax and enjoy your efforts later. I have friends who had kids earlier but now in 40s trying to retrain/study and try get mortgages etc. They are not raising young kids though so there’s that.

I don’t think there’s a perfect way. Everyone has different circumstances.

I kinda feel like if you think you need to live first befire having kids or in you feel like you should have kids young so you'll be able to enjoy life when they leave home, you shouldn't be having kids.

Most people don't buy a house and start a family in their early 20's but most people also don't go out to travel and move abroad to live in a surf shack either. Most people just live their basic boring lives, no matter the age or family status.

But a spouse and children can be a brilliant source of fuel for personal development and happiness. You make it sound like it's the end of their lives rather than the beginning.

Nothing wrong with enjoying your fertility while you still can.