Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to book her birthday weekend away knowing your partner isn’t that fussed. You could have celebrated his birthday on the day with a meal out or his favourite cake at home. But it’s been booked for ages, presume she knew you were going (?) p, so I wouldn’t change it now.

Your sister is being unreasonable. She's only 20 so still has a lot of growing up to do and she's demonstrated this perfectly.

The husband takes priority here. And would you really want to spend an evening with a bunch of 20/21 year olds screaming, crying, getting drunk and probably falling out with each other in the toilets?

The 40th in Italy is much more appealing.

Sister shouldn’t be giving you the silent treatment, it’s childish and unhelpful. That said, having had a sister for 20 years and the same partner for 11 years, I think it probably isn’t unreasonable to expect the situation of two milestone birthdays together would have been anticipated and then perhaps discussed before a weekend away was booked. Especially as your partner is pretty relaxed, it sounds like the party and the weekend away could’ve been arranged on separate dates with a bit of forethought. Asking your sister “Are you planning anything for your birthday before I book DP’s weekend away?” Would’ve prevented the upset.

Well I can’t even remember what I did for my 21st or who came or even what any of my friends did. It was only 15 years ago! I would prioritise your DP’s 40th because it’s only every 10 years that you get a proper excuse to be spoiled and break away from the drudgery of kids/work and being a grown up. Your sister is being selfish because she’s young and doesn’t properly understand. Hold firm and just say you are sad that you are missing it but you are looking forward to catching up when you get back. She’ll get over it.

Is everyone okay this morning?
Since when are we cancelling pre-booked holidays with our partners/husbands for our siblings?
Would you all have the same opinion if OP’s children were going on this holiday? Would you encourage her to cancel/rearrange her family holiday for her little sister?

Your sister is behaving like an entitled brat. Giving you the silent treatment because you’re celebrating your partner’s milestone birthday instead of attending her party that she only told you about last week? Ridiculous and very immature.

Keep the holiday OP.

Oh fgs, your sister is being ridiculous @EzWin2

she’s only just planning something now, and will have to accept that not everyone can be there. It’s your H Big 40, that kind of trumps every thing!

fwiw, this scenario won’t ever happen again, as her next big event will be her 30th, and your H will have his next Big Birthday the following year.

sometimes your H gets put first, you get put first and you get to go to Lake Como

I'm UK, mid 30's and 18/21st birthdays were always a big deal for everyone growing up. It was for my Mum as well, who is hitting 70.

I'd be rethinking the marriage. Why didn't your fiancé stick up for spending time with you on his 40th birthday?

I’d change my weekend away then you can do both. My sister would be very disappointed if I missed her party

Your sister needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult. The world doesn't stop because it's somebody's birthday, and celebrating with your husband on his birthday is to be expected.
I'd continue with your plans as they are, if she chooses to take offence it's her decision.

Rearrange the weekend, seems simple.

Bit weird that you booked the trip, knowing it was the weekend of her 21st. I would have checked first.

Your DP doesn’t seem fussed either way so I would change it.

If I was you knowing it was a milestone birthday for her too I would have asked her before booking Italy if she had any plans for her birthday, then it would have been easier to come to a compromise to keep both people happy.

However, as you now can't come to her party, she is being a little bit precious and unreasonable, and as other posters have said she needs to grow up and realise all doesn't revolve around her and you not being there isn't the end of the world.

Well I would say if the 40th trip can be easily postponed without costing a bomb and your partner doesn't mind, I'd do that. I think your sister is being a bit out of order giving you the silent treatment but she's 20, immature and big birthdays tend to mean more to young people, so she gets a slight pass.

However didn't you anticipate the clash? Especially if your DP isn't bothered about making a fuss about his birthday (or at least celebrating it on his birthday weekend) I would have probably checked my sisters plans for her 21st before booking.

I'd want to be with whoever was not guilt-tripping or trying to manipulate me. In your case, that seems to be your partner.

I don’t blame her for being upset! Why on earth did you book a trip away when you knew it was her 21st?
Your sister is upset and can’t just rearrange a party but your partner isn’t fussed and would happily change the trip away. It’s a no brainer surely?

21st is the big one. I would go to my sisters party then out for lunch with my dp for his birthday. Try to do both.

my future MIL hijacked my DP’s 40th and completely ruined it for me. She wanted to take him and his sister and DN for a meal I said a different day over the weekend as I had planned something. She booked it for the time I said and they all went for a meal….I wasn’t invited. She’s ruined a lot of things over the years but to not even invite me.

21sts were definitely a big deal in the UK when I and my friends turned 21, 20+ years ago

But it isn’t the 1970s anymore!

In the USA 21 is a big deal because they can legally drink alcohol.

My DD went to many many 18ths but not many are bothering to organise 21st outside family. She had a family dinner and then just a birthday night out with friends at uni. She didn’t want a party with home friends too, even though they are still very close, as her birthday was in the middle of the term and she said it was no biggie.

I am mid 40s and 21st was a bigger event when I was 21. Definitely not to do with America. Often 18th parties are difficult as most places wont hire for 18th where I am as there will be too many under age guests likely to try and drink. Party for 21st much more common.

Appreciate it may not be that way all over but absolutely the way it is in some places.

Knowing that the two birthdays fall close together, I would have spoken to my sister and partner to hear about their plans. I then would have tried to book things in a way that allowed me to celebrate both birthdays. So yes, move the weekend trip.

Your sister is being unreasonable. Take her out for lunch after your weekend away.

The trip has been planned for months and no doubt would cost you money to adjust, you do that.

At 21, she's meant to be an adult so should know you don't cancel plans and let others down. Suggest you do something nice, just the two of you, before or after you get back.

I think you’re in the wrong. It’s unfortunate they both have close birthdays but you obviously knew it was your sisters birthday. You should’ve checked that nothing had been planned. Didn’t even have to be a party but perhaps a family meal. Then if you knew you could’ve made a decision based on facts.

Its not unreasonable to make plans with your husband. You didn't know she would have a party. You could potentially have asked her first, but she could also have said her intentions earlier (even if it wasn't booked).

I would go on the weekend to Italy, but possibly look at your own celebration with your sister another weekend. Maybe take her to a spa or out for a special meal, whatever fits her interests better.