Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

Literally no idea whatsoever what my brother did for his 21st. He certainly wasn't at mine. It all depends on the relationship. I would keep the trip.

Are your children involved in any of the events? Would they enjoy the party?
Mine would probably just prefer Italy.
I wouldn't love spending an evening with a load of 20 year olds either.
I can't imagine a 21 year old being upset that an older relative was missing the party either.
But I appreciate that my family might be less into parties generally that your family 😄

My experience is difference. Surely you can see that? On the basis the sister has behaved like a complete arse I'd go to Italy. She'll get over it. And if she doesn't then she needs to get a grip.

I wouldn't move plans for someone who stops talking to me rather than discussing possible changes.

Did she check before she arranged her party?

I think Yanbu - you should stick with the Italy plans. Apologise to your sister (sounds like you already have done this) and arrange a nice day out for the 2 of you to stretch her birthday out! It’s a 21st party, she will be socialising with her friends surely and won’t notice her big sister not being there too much.

Maybe you could treat her to something to prepare for the party like getting her nails or lashes done or whatever she likes to do.

your sister is being a bit unreasonable about this imo (maybe partly youth/immaturity). Fair enough to express disappointment but she ultimately has to accept your plans.

She’s sound very immature for 20. Is she “challenging” when she doesn’t get her way?

Don’t capitulate, your mum is probably backing her because the consequences of your sister being pissed off are bad for her. Sadly it’s often the most unreasonable people who get pandered to because they make people miserable when they don’t get their way.

No idea why you booked a trip over a weekend when your sisters 21st is when it’s normal to have a 21st Birthday party.

Why do people celebrate 30ths or 40ths? Its'a silly question.......... they just do 💁

I agree to be honest. Often these threads are about men giving women the silent treatment and they are mostly told that it’s manipulative and abusive. Why is it any different when a woman does it. A poster upthread has advised OP to ‘grovel’ to her sister. Why ? Would any woman posting here grovel to a man subjecting them to the same treatment ?

Huh?! They both celebrate coming of age. Why would you do both?

Sounds like DP celebration been in the pipeline for about 40 yrs and DS for 21 or so.

I would surely have checked the dates were fine with 21 year old sister before booking Italy weekend.

Did you tell your sister about the holiday before booking?
Did you inform her so that she could have booked her party for a nearby weekend?

No question about it. For me, I would postpone the Italian weekend while I still can because 21st's are as special as a wedding almost in my family. And it wouldn't be a sacrifice.

Her sister is the one being unreasonable. It’s perfectly acceptable to want to do something special for your partners’ special birthday. Being miffed is one thing, but giving OP the silent treatment to get what she wants is manipulative and abusive. OP’s trip was booked before her sister announced her birthday plans, so it’s actually a fait accompli.

If the Italian holiday was booked and paid for before the big 21st was announced, there is nothing to be done, you are already committed.

It's unfortunate, but if you booked it before the party was arranged it's fair enough- life partner/father of your children trumps sister.
She's obviously quite an immature 21, she'll come around eventually.

It’s not about always sidelining one family member for another, it’s about communicating. My brother has the same birthday as my ex mother in law. I’d always ask them if they have any plans before organising something. One year we went away for a significant birthday for one of them and I communicated that to the other and made different plans for their birthday.

Yes it is. 21st birthdays have been celebrated long before the falsehood of “Americanism” was a thing. It’s when you get “the key to the door”.

It is largely symbolic as the age of “adult” was moved from 21 to 18 in 1970, but it is still very much a thing.

@EzWin2I’m not sure why you would have booked knowing you have the two celebrations, particularly if your husband isn’t that bothered, so I can see why your sister might be annoyed. However, if you’ve put yourself in the position to have to choose, I guess you might prefer to choose your husband. Not the choice I would make, but my husband has always known if my sister need me, I choose her over him, mostly. The same way I understand he would choose his mum over me. We’d do it with each other’s blessing so wouldn’t have to ask.

Surely by all the comments you can see by now that it's still a big thing for a lot of people so it can't be that much of a surprise that OP's sister sees it as a big birthday?

Yep, I'm in Ireland and we've always celebrated both here too, in fact I would argue 21st's are the bigger celebration

Thinking about it I don’t know anyone that made a big deal of their 21st either it was all 18th as then you’re a legal adult and can do everything.

Since always in my experience 💁

Her birthday has always been on the same date. Why didn’t you coordinate your weekend away around her plans? This was entirely preventable with better communication. There was a world where you celebrated both. You chose the first come first serve model. I get why your sister is pissed.

I mean I probably would have checked with your sister if she was planning to have a party before I booked the trip for your DP. You knew it was going to be her 21st that weekend as well so I think YWBU not have done that

Probably because she'd already celebrated her 18th. Since when was celebrating an 18th and a 21st birthday a thing?

Your sister is being a bit childish, but to be honest if you knew it was her 21st I am confused as to why you would book a trip when your husband doesn’t care about it being his birthday…you could very easily have done it the week before or after surely.

I would probably change if it wasn’t going to be too expensive or too much hassle, but I definitely think your sister is being a bit dramatic by refusing to speak to you. I’m not sure I agree with just changing your plans as she will believe that behaving like a 5 year old works