Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

Back again 👋

Also what if it hadn’t been op that booked it anyway.

What if the dh had made plans for his birthday on his birthday weekend. Invited op and she’s agreed.

Op should then what refuse to attend her husbands birthday event for her sisters only just planned party? Even though the husband planned and booked his first. Nope.

I HNRTFT - but @EzWin2 you only have 2 posts. Did you sister know about your trip and book a party the same weekend? If so she is being unreasonable.
I am assuming she didn't because - why would she do that ??
Unfortunately its just one of those things. I wouldn't cancel or rearrange your trip if it is going to cost you a lot more money. She is being ridiculous with the silent treatment.. these things happen. Sure she'll get over it.

Op made plans well in advance her sister didn’t bother to check with her and only recently made plans.

She can’t expect her sister to not make plans on a shared birthday weekend just incase.

I assume sisters party is on her actual birthday and that the sister assumed OP would only be busy on DH’s birthday, rather than the entire weekend.

Most people would mention that they’re going on holiday when it has been booked for months, even if they hadn’t spoken directly about their birthdays.

I would assume my sisters do not have any holidays booked over the next couple of weeks that they booked months ago, as surely it would have come up in conversation.

I personally would have checked what my sister had planned before booking it and/or let her know I had booked something months ago.

But I don’t think I even saw my family on my 21st and so I would have assumed she’d be so busy with her friends.

I wonder if there is a big age gap between you both, considering DH is 40 and if this makes a difference.
Does she see you as a parental figure?

Exactly!!

But why shouldn't she celebrate her DP's 40th with him??

The sister could also have checked with OP before organising her party if it was that important to her that OP attends.

Both birthdays are never going to change date so you knowingly booked a weekend away with your DH the same weekend as your sister is 21. YABU - why on earth did you not check

My experience is completely different. People celebrated their 18th much more than their 21st.

Im any case, surely an established partner is more important than a sibling?

It is about putting her first if you won't book something for your husband if your sister is wanting to do something.

the sister is being so selfish giving the OP the silent treatment because she's doing something with her DP on his birthday. She's 21. not 5. If she wanted her suster ti be at her party that much, she should have discussed it , not just assumed the OP would sideline get DP's 40th to suit her.

Go on the trip.

If your sister wasn't sulking like a toddler and you really didn't want to miss her birthday, then swapping the trip weekend would be a good compromise (depending on exactly how much more it was going to cost).

But given the sulking, I wouldn't put myself out for it!

There's nothing you can do about it now, you may as well go, but it does seem very poor planning, she was always going to be doing something on her birthday weekend and you would miss it regardless if you booked that weekend to go away.

She's being a bit OTT but I can understand why she is upset, 21st is quite a big deal as after that you don't really do a milestone until you're 30.

My friend changed the date of her 21st when I said I couldn't come as I was going to be abroad. Your sister could do that. You could give her the silent treatment if she doesn't 😂

A 21st has always been the big milestone birthday. They would always trump other milestone birthdays in my book. Growing up there was always 21sts happening. Even if people never had another party in their life they’d have a 21st

I agree with this. I had a big do for my 21st in the early 1980s and nothing at all for my 18th.

I would also say that a 21st is a bigger deal than a 40th birthday and personally I wouldn’t have booked a weekend away without first checking with my sister about her plans to celebrate. If your partner is happy to reschedule, I would do that.

I don’t even know what my brother did for his 21st. Nothing likely. His 18th however everyone got all shades of drunk 🥴

I often book little weekend away trips for birthdays. Saves them being just another day but with presents.

I don't see 21 or 40 as milestone birthdays so I don't think you need to re-arrange Italy. It was booked first and in my life, my DH trumps sibling.

Maybe the sister should have asked the OP if they were doing anything for the partner's milestone birthday before going ahead and fixing the date for her party? One is not more important than the other, and the holiday was booked first.

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I would have put my 21 year old sister before a 40 year old partner

I wouldn’t have planned a weekend away on my sisters 21st bday without checking if she’s planning a party, but equally I wouldn’t plan a party without checking which dates my key people would be free

Theres quite a big majority on Mumsnet that dont really like family or birthdays so I think the replies here might be a bit skewed. From my perspective I think its awful that you booked a holiday knowingly on your sisters 21st birthday weekend. You must know that's a really twatty thing to do. Even if she hadn't told you about a party yet it is surely obvious that she would be doing something. Much easier to have booked the trip for your DH the weekend before or after or checked with your sister before you booked whether she was planning something. I honestly don't know anyone that would purposely do this to their sister. Im not surprised that shes not talking to you because its so thoughtless she probably thinks its a deliberate slight.

Tell that to Scottish Young Farmers. The 21st birthday party is, and always has been, a major event in that community, and I'm sure in others. Nothing to do with copying American movies. I went to something like 30 21st parties in about 5 years because of Young Farmers, and generally the format was friends and family, including parents and grandparents.
Having said that, of course the OP is not unreasonable to want to go away on a prearranged holiday with her partner to celebrate his milestone birthday. There'll just be two less people at the party.

Go on the trip. I hate that silent treatment abusive bollox. She needs to grow up