Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

It is quite a challenge to support and to encourage independence at the same time - but it needs to be the goal. The adult child needs to be encouraged to gain independence and I think some are naturally more reliant/independent than others.
Our ds is AuDHD - he has many worries about how he deals with people in his professional role. Dh and I have a lot of experience in dealing with people in a constructive way to get what you need to do your job. DS was wise to draw on our experience and skills to learn how he could do the same thing but we are mindful of our need to pull back and allow him to use his own, now well developed people skills to see him through. He doesn't like us withdrawing but we do it gradually because he can't be dropped into it, he'd be a mess.
Dd at the level asks us less about how to deal with people problems - but still has her moments. If there's one thing I wish my parents had been better at, that was people skills - they were like bulls in a china shop - no diplomacy - it oils the wheels - both my dcs are learning the dark art.

The post is about A levels though Fair enough nurse them through GCSEs if necessary but if you need to do that then they aren't A level material really

If I’d had two of my daughter, I’d be writing this. I have no input into what she does at all and don’t help her study. She’s entirely self sufficient. I’d think everyone else was being ridiculous! But then I had a son who is wired so differently that he would entirely fall through the cracks if I wasn’t invested and now I really do get it!

It's the same over and over again. We wipe their arses when they're little and parents carry on wiping their arses well into their 20s. Kids get the lives jam packed with activities and hobbies, they're not allowed to get bored and use their imagination. They get taxied everywhere and mollycoddled.

I'm glad I was the generation I was. You don't see a lot of resilience these days

Mine were not involved in my student life from 16 onwards. If anything they were detrimental to my success as they insisted I go to America for 5 weeks to visit relatives during my A levels which meant I missed 3 weeks of studying!

Inwas more involved but backed off when the pressure was building. Both mine left colleague and got jobs and are happy in what they do. The good thing is they both live nearby too so I get to see my grandchild often.

Yep. I am one of those parents who got too involved. Overcompensating for shite parenting I received (and justifying it because both are AuDHD) and really I have been a major factor (along with covid etc) in them being useless. Seeing the error of my ways now that they are doing A levels and at uni, but am spending the summer setting them up to take on all their own life admin, with just me keeping a watchful eye for the first year. Their self-esteem will hopefully flourish without me taking over.

The objective of parents shouldn’t be to make them into ‘successful adults’ through their own labour, but to ‘scaffold them into being self-reliant, independent and likeable adults that can exist perfectly safely without them. I knew that of course, but have still been an over-controlling, anxious, helicoptering idiot.

Report them to the university

Although I do think the stakes are higher now. I went to a grammar school and don't remember there being reams of kids coming out with handfuls of A grades (A* weren't a thing then) and courses at what were polys in my day didn't ask for ridiculously high grades.
If you can't get your maths or English GCSE then you are so limited and doomed to keep resitting. There were jobs for those people when I was at school.
Plus we didn't have to pay for it, loans dont cover everything, there isn't the luxury of just resitting a year. Some people I went to school with seemed to be eternal students for most of their 20s.
It's understandable that parents are far more invested now.

I think it’s strange that your parents didn’t know when your exams were. I mean as a family my hubby might say I have an important meeting this week with X on X day. So knowing about your kids exams is the same thing to me. It means you don’t decide to have a loud dinner party the night before their exam to not risk affecting their sleep. Or you are prepared to take them in a car if there’s public transport issues that day.

@lxn889121

This hits the nail on the head!

The issue with a lack of involvement is that it works wonders with self-motivated, disciplined children who take that freedom and grow into it. But it entirely fails those who are not ready to take on that degree of self-responsibility (which is not a problem, and is entirely normal at that age) who instead fall away from what they could achieve because no one is helping them stay on a more productive pathway.

There is definitely a balancing act for parents to conquer to enable their children to fulfill their potential without affecting their mental health, independence and resilience in the process.

It’s a skill not all parents achieve.

Absolutely. Unfortunately it hasn't been caught. Her son is about to graduate from Manchester with a first.

I was a high achiever back in my day. I took my classes and exams, had fun, and got into everywhere I applied.

The standards for an equivalent today are radically different. My teen volunteers multiple times a week on top of a heavy course load. She is spending her summer holidays doing work experience. She leads an advocacy group.

there is still a very good chance she won’t get one of the places in her highly competitive desired university program.

So yes, I help her any way I can. She is still driving everything.

Well, some will always fail or not do great regardless of the help given. Of course. My point is though that this thread is full of people saying how they had minimum input or knowledge of their kids education but their kids did amazingly anyway. Let's all pat them on the back for bringing up such amazingly academic, self starting, confident and resilient kids with out even trying. Whilst those of us whose kids do struggle and need more support have only got themselves to blame and are making things worse. Little acknowledgement that maybe their kids were always going to be quite capable anyway. I certainly have one who I will rarely need to keep an eye on and one who does need more support.

Of course there are limits to what you should do for your child. I don't do coursework for them (very little of that about now anyway) and there's no way I'll be going to job interviews etc with them. But I'm not going to apologise for helping them keep on top of things, testing them, helping them come up with revision plans they can stick to and talking through some of the subjects that I understand well with them. I'm not setting them up to fail later in life because I'm more involved than some parents. I'm supporting them with things they find harder than others, showing them different techniques that they might find useful and hoping that they can carry on with some of this on their own in the future. I don't see that the alternative of letting them flunk their GCSEs is better than that. Because that is what would likely happen (& then the same parents would be writing about how it's a shame that too few parents take an interest in their kid's education).

That is actually of no help to their child whatsoever.
They are spending time trying to do something they cannot. Instead of investing their energy and time in something they could do.

Totally agree !
On the more general OPs point I have noticed this with some work colleagues. One in particular has a DC at Uni and spends weekends writing and rewriting essays with them, correcting their work, checking submissions etc. their younger child doing GCSEs is being tested every night, she is buying loads of exam paper, old ones and predicted ones, it’s relentless.
I feel sorry for both DC to be honest they are not allowed to just be themselves, they are constantly ‘tested’, monitored and pushed into things, ( e.g coached for interviews for Saturday jobs) phones are tracked. Their emails are read by the parents - one is an adult aged 21 - and this is all mentioned as just ‘normal’ family life.

I find it very surprising and shocking.

Maybe those are the kids who wouldve failed anyway?

I did my a levels at evening classes while working full time in day. I had mty own flat also so my parents werent " supervising" i couldnt have done any better even if id had haps of ' support'

I don't know about everyone else - oldest is half way through with 0 input from us, as they did with GCSEs because they are very self starting and organised.

Youngest has ADHD and is going to need a lot if help to get through GCSEs next year and doubtless some throughout whatever he does post GCSE. When I say help, I mean scaffolding revising so he does a reasonable amounts and giving him guidance on what to do - not doing coursework for him, though it seems they do all coursework in school anyway, presumably to prevent too much AI or parental 'helping'.

You can value educatjon without constant interfrrence and organising your teen. Parf of education is surely study skills and self organisation

How are these kids going to manage life in the big world when they leave uni /home without parents organising their lives?
Might be a clue in the fact there are so many threads on MN about over bearing mils, in particular. Trampling over the so called boundaries, generally inteferring with the lives of their adult sons and upsetting their wives /partners. who in turn don't stand up for their wives because they don't want to upset mum [usually].
Some parents helicopter their kids then become enmeshed with their adult lives too. It's really not healthy, I don't understand why some people can't see how these problems begin, go on the defensive. But then come on here and moan about mil doing this and that whilst h won't say anything because it's his mum.🤔

Same parents will sit at the end of it all (A Levels/Degree etc) and call out everyone else when they find their child has lived in a cocoon of protection from the real world and actually having to think for themselves.

All those kids 12/24 months later sat at home wondering why the world hasnt given them a job and looking at mummy who has run out of influence to open them doors for her child.

Sometimes children need to be able to fail, learn from their mistakes or just find their level. Instead its like some massive race to the top whilst completely missing the point

Helping them with A levels is fine. As they sit their own exams. Writing their uni essays and doing their dissertations is blatant academic misconduct though.

Local college to do a mix of A levels and Btec

Things are certainly different these days compared to when I was in my teens. I think we were relatively hands off with our DC (certainly compared to some of the posts I read on here) but even so we were more involved than my parents were. But then my parents had no experience of A levels or University so didn't really have any advice to offer. DH and I both do. We have both been students, he has worked in a University and I have recent experience of working with healthcare students of various types so we probably can actually offer some meaningful advice. Plus there is so much more choice now in terms of choice of University and course,accomodation type etc and the finance is a bigger consideration than in my day. I think it is all more complicated, and there's also more expectation of parental involvement. In the past I think it would have been considered odd for a parent to accompany their child on visits but now there are specific talks for parents at open days. I think you can be guilt tripped into getting more involved than you actually think is necessary because "everyone" is doing it.
But I agree that some parents take it to extremes and take a far too active part in their children's education. We felt our role was to be supportive and provide a general steer but not get involved in the minutiae. So for instance when it became apparent that DS was finding A level maths hard going we asked him if he felt a tutor would be helpful and when he said yes we found one, but I wasn't sitting in on the lessons taking notes and creating a revision timetable for him. By 6th form a young person should generally be able to do that kind of thing for themselves. And kids do need to make some of their own mistakes in order to learn. It can be frustrating as a parent when probably you do "know best" but you have to let go at some point and in my opinion that is best done gradually through the teens. All my DC encountered young people when they started University who were unable to cope without someone micromanaging their lives and then either gave up and went back home or really went off the rails when they finally tasted freedom. It's not always easy to find, but there is a happy medium.

What is your dd planning on going after GCSE's, if you dont mind me asking?

Yes. I am one of those parents. I am getting my daughter up for GCSEs, driving her in and prompting her to revise. When I was doing them I was fully independent. I do suspect that if I wasn't doing those things to help she would sleep in, miss the exams and not revise.