Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

You are never to old for parental input. I'm in the 50s they still support me and I support them. I support my teenage kids and they support me. There is no cutoff age for support and input. Do you send your adult life not being supported by anyone? Though not.

My parents studied with me and as such I've studied and helped my children

I applied for the SL in August and got it late September. SFE over egg how slow they are a lot of the time and you can apply any time.

One of our friends is a professor at Stanford in the US - highly competitive and very expensive. He is responsible for the first year students in his department. He spoke to us about how poor they were at life - they really struggled with the basics, he was quite worried about how kids could be so bright they get into his dept and yet they can't deal with normal every day events - we had that chat with him 10 years ago - can't imagine much has improved since then.
I think there's a lot of help being given for the parent's benefit - it makes the parents feel lovely. I'm sure the kids like it too but there's nothing like achieving something yourself, I think a lot of kids wait a long time to feel this.

Agree with pp that it’s a balance and dependent on the child. My DM and DF left school at 15 and didn’t understand why I wanted to go to uni let alone I helped with any of it. I didn’t visit any unis I applied for and when I had an interview at a fairly prestigious university had no one to guide me on what might be expected and unsurprisingly didn’t do well.
Both DC have studied independently and organised their own revision and I’ve just asked how they are getting on and provided a tutor where they might be struggling. I’ve supported with researching options and taking them to open days but the decisions about where to go has been theirs. DD is disabled and ASD so has needed a lot more support with getting support set up etc but ultimately she has made all of her own decisions and chose a different uni than I would have done.

I’m so sorry Ventress, completely understand why you want to do more for your DS. I don’t think anyone not in your circumstances can criticise.

Completely agree. My parents really valued education and encouraged me to stay on at 6th form and go to university (both from a working class background) back in the 90s, but the actual choices and preparations were very much left to me. They didn't have apps to check homework or exam timetables and I just got on with it. They were always interested, but never really drove it.

I give my 15yo ds a little more structured support, because he has adhd. But that doesn't mean doing it for him. We've always been very careful to encourage his independence. He went on a uni visit on Tuesday because he's pretty clueless about what direction he might want to take, which prompted a discussion along those lines. But I told him uni is only one option. I did life/ education one way, but there's no expectation he'll do it the same way. Dh jouned the RAF at 16, so I suggested ds talks to dh about that as well, saying it's not my preference for him, but it's not my life to lead, it's his.

I just want him to find something he enjoys that will pay well, and go for it.

@Brokeandold when DD asked me to proof read her immunology dissertation I didn't understand most of it. It was really a sensor check to see if it flowed well and to check for spelling and grammar.

Someone I worked with would read/rewrite their eldest DS’s work at Uni, I was baffled!
When our son went to Uni, he studied Chemistry, I have no clue ! He would study in the holidays, all these equations (?) look like latin to me, pages of it
He’s now doing a PhD , people ask me what he’s researching…. Errrr maybe bacteria in the sea…..
Our youngest DD has almost finished her GCSE’s , I looked at one of her study guides yesterday, English language, was shocked at how intense it all is.
My DM would try and help me with maths homework when I was in my teens, we’d be up til midnight and I’d still get it wrong! Great memories tho ( miss her soo much!)

Thank you - it took me a while to realise that my efforts to protect and support had tipped over the line into undermining the very traits I had hoped to instil. I do think it is never too late, though. I have many friends who are guilty of the same thing, with 18-21yos - we over compensated for covid and the exam disruption and all the angst that bubbled up as a result. Fortunately we are all talking about it and trying to support each other in letting go (they can clean their own effing bedrooms and if they get yellow carded at uni for living in squalor they will soon learn). It’s hard - when you think you’ve come from a place of love - to realise that you are the problem, but when the penny drops you have two choices - carry on and look forward to a life time of whingeing from a child who never leaves home, or pull your parental panties up and set those boundaries. My youngest is responding really well.. the older one may take a bit more time [and a shed load of gin on my part 🤣]

Ok if ACADEMICALLY they struggle with GCSEs then they aren't A level material. I did o levels at 15 having an Aug 32st birthday and still 17 when did A levels.

She doesn't really affect academic ability that much. If it did it's borderline kids

I'm not sure I agree with this. DD has a summer birthday and was 15 when she sat most of her GCSEs (she did 2 at 14 because that was the way the school did it back then). I did have to encourage her to revise from time to time. By the time she sat her A levels at 17 she was far more emotionally mature and self motivated.

Young people mature hugely between GCSE and A levels.

I salute you for your self-awareness and honesty 🫡

Some parents never learn and insist it’s their way or the highway. When in fact, no parent is perfect or gets everything right and kids’ needs constantly change. Parenting is an endless learning curve of trying, reflecting, adapting and readjusting. And gradually letting go and withdrawing.

As I have DSs, and am a lone parent, my motivating factor is I don’t want to send out into the world men who need (or indeed expect) a woman to organise them or remind them to do things. There are enough of those already 😂

I don't know if it's because of that, some weird guilt thing?! I see so many mums making really hard work for themselves, like asking on WhatsApp groups if their child needs to take such and such to school. If you can't ask your 14 year old and they don't know well they'll have to deal with the consequences! I think my view is somewhat coloured by having a brother living at home at 42, failure to launch is a thing and I think the biggest gift I can give my kids is the ability to make their own way in the world. They're capable of top grades but if they get something else them I'm sure they'll cope they certainly have opportunities I never had

I remember my lovely mum getting up early before school and reading aloud from sections of French novels so I could practise French dictation which I was not good at as my teacher was not great at dictating in French. Then she would help me learn any words I didn't know that came up in the dictation. I got an A in French at A level and I'm sure her support helped with that (as my teachers were a bit surprised.)
That kindness has stayed with me for decades.
She was the opposite of a helicopter parent usually but 6am dictation was a really supportive thing to do.

I have a friend who asked her boss for flexible work during the GCSE period…. Why?? I mean if i stayed home, im pretty sure my an iety about my DC’s GCSEs would grate on them…

I'm mid 30s and when I was doing A Levels, one of my friend's mums did all his revision notes for him! It was absolutely mad (and pointless, because isn't writing the notes part of the process?)

I do think when you're a family unit, you all get through things together - it's just important to realise when yours is a main role, and when it's supportive.

I can't help but feel that this overinvolvement is led mainly by women, for some reason. Which is weird because most women are more overloaded with responsibilities nowadays than perhaps they used to be what with many working full time, being single parents etc

Too many people equate over involved parenting with good parenting and it gets competitive. You can see if even in primary school with the class WhatsApp group. I don't know where it comes from, my husband had over involved parents and we take the different approach to our kids. We expect high standards of them but they have to do the work themselves and also trust the teachers, some of this parental activity really erodes that expertise the teachers have and they can't identify needs if parents are covering the cracks. Kids need initiative to manage themselves and learn in the workplace, school is a great way to figure that out

I really agree with this too. Very good point @blueneopre.

IMHO Sixth Form or FE Colleges are better than school 6th forms for that very reason. Treat kids much more like adults. DC3 is at college and has matured much more rapidly than I think he would’ve at a school. They also timetable so every kid has one day off a week, so it’s easier to work part-time, or self-study, which is really beneficial.

What's the other part?

It's only a part of the reason.

Very much this. Even DD's sixth form was appallingly infantilising. Schools don't even let kids decide when to go to the toilet, their clothes are monitored even at 16 & 17. They don't get study leave and have to revise to a whole class timetable, rather than what they individually need.

I also told my children to work hard at school

I think education is a big issue here. At school we were allowed to fail. My kids were told at primary work hard or you'll be serving McD's or working as a refuse collector. I was told they were failing in year 1 - and I better help them catch up. I was not allowed to let them forget their PE/swimming gear - the school phoned and asked me to bring it in. We were not allowed to let our kids walk to school till Year 6 - the school decided it wasn't right. We were brought into school when the kids were 15 and ask who checks the homework app and then checks the homework - one hand went up and then we were all told how dreadful we all were. During Covid my ds was doing A levels - he hadn't handed anything in for 6 weeks - one teacher got in contact with me and asked if he was ok - I was questioned as to why I hadn't inspected his homework - what were the teachers doing? But again it was my responsibility to check homework for a year 12 child.
We are trained by the schools - we are not allowed to step off and let the kids work it out for themselves - we are needed to support, tutor and be on hand all the time - by the time they are 18 we are well trained as over invested parents - it's hard to let go but letting go is something we must do! I'm not a big fan of the UK education system - it's an exam factory - churning them out with grades, no one really measuring the skills.