Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

Completely agree with the op - not a levels but there was a post the other day from someone getting all sorts of abuse for not delaying her house extension at a cost of £30k cos neighbours little darling was doing gcses 😵‍💫 what the heck is it teaching our kids about resilience?!

Support and advice is one thing but some people's responses are off the wall

Why does not being pushed mean he has no qualifications?? Most people used to manage studying, socializing and working without parents doing everything. Why have kids be one more inept if they cant

Nothing wrong in thatAs they invited her on family holidays I assume they made sure she was fed and housed also during A levels.

She was a bit old for mummy to be wiping her bum and taking her to school by then

And we drove our DC to the interview

Surprised you even got into uni in the first place.

Many people can manage to have a social life and study well. Some of us prioritise our education and studies first and then once we've completed what we've needed to do, we go have a good time.

I'm glad all my DC achieved A*s in their Maths A-level allowing them to go to their uni of choice. Given they were doing STEM or economics related courses they had to deal with a "maths formula" or two. Glad they are all now thriving and in purposeful work or further study.

@ToffeeCrabAppleAnd did you need to arrive at the Cambridge college at 9 am? My DD had to take a test in the morning and interviews in the afternoon - she would never have done it via trains! Most people stay over if there’s an early start. I guess you just had an afternoon slot?

I spent my 6th form years clubbing and to the massive detriment of my maths a level. Now I'm in my 40s I think back more fondly on the nights dancing away, cheap vodka and friendships than any maths formula. My kids are going to have such a different experience from me but I'm glad I had it out of my system before I started uni at 19 as wasn't so bothered about going out at uni, mostly because the standard of nightlife was a bit woeful. These days you can't go out as much when you're 16 and 17 I don't think!

When i went to an interview at Cambridge my parents dropped me at the local train station. I got a local train, changed at Bristol temple meads, then on to london, got the tube from Paddington to kings Cross and then got another train from there to Cambridge. I then walked from the station in Cambridge to find the college. This was pre smartphone, I had a printed map in a plastic wallet & had to ask for directions twice.

I think did the same to get home. Everyone i knew did similar!

We are, it's not that they don't matter but I've seen plenty of people with great grades struggle in work and real life with far more prestigious university backgrounds from mine. Most employers say they're crying out for a bit of grit, so a handful of B or C grades isn't going to make as big a difference as people think. That said, I don't think my intervention necessarily means inflation, if my kids get top grades without me doing their homework then that's fantastic, it's their achievement.

Not for the exam years, but maybe during the A-level exam period itself, might be good to turn down the clubbing and go out after exams over.

And when he wants to go to university, maybe get into a good programme, hopefully find purposeful and meaningful work. If he has no qualifications who is going to hire him?

The grades don't matter brigade need to think with their brains and not their hearts.

MN is the place for
over involved obsessive parents, all life must cease for exam years, god forbid you suggest anyone under 25 gets a pt job.
Tracking them, curfews over 18, madness.

DS is sitting his GCSES and I'm leaving the academic stuff to him, that's his department. My role is to look after him.

I make sure he knows there's no letter or number after his name that can define him or affect his worth. That when people are remembered they are praised for their character not their qualifications and that he is already a good person.

Bringing him chocolate on the hard days and making sure he does the things that make him happy around his studies. I don't tell him to stay in and study, I encourage time away from it.

Is that right? No idea. But it's how my gut says to approach it and I've gone with that.

A lot of kids don’t really know how to revise effectively, so I’m all in favour of supporting that.

A little anecdote: when I was in Y8 my parents fostered a Chinese girl. We are still friends. As an adult she told me how much she appreciated my mother and how she used her as a model for being a mother herself, because it was the first time she experienced affection. I told her how much I appreciated her companionship and that she taught me a different approach to my studies, how to stretch myself and how to revise. Without her example, I doubt I would have done as well at school.

Very common among the white British I feel to have the "laizze-faire" approach to parenting. The whole "since I was 16 my parents never knew what I was doing and they dare not tell me what to do. They have no clue whatsoever, but that's okay, independence".

Whereas we Indians guide our children. My DC all chose their subjects of interest. I don't think it's a big deal to know, what subjects your DC are studying. Parents evening is still a thing even in year 13. Obviously at that age the onus has, to be on them. But if I see them slacking and falling off the right track, I'm not going to hesitate and let them know.

Not in our house or friendship circle, but I can see how it happens. The outcomes seem so high stakes that they don’t see the detriment of curtailing independence and softening consequences.

The issue with a lack of involvement is that it works wonders with self-motivated, disciplined children who take that freedom and grow into it. But it entirely fails those who are not ready to take on that degree of self-responsibility (which is not a problem, and is entirely normal at that age) who instead fall away from what they could achieve because no one is helping them stay on a more productive pathway.

This really resonated with me, and I totally agree with this ^^
It takes some young people a little longer to be emotionally mature enough to develop independence and resilience.

I also think a lot of young people would benefit from a gap year before going to university - to mature and to just be able to learn to deal with the basics of day to day living. I feel that a lot of young people just aren't ready to fly the nest.

One girl in DD's student flat didn't realise that you had to remove the packaging to heat a pizza in the oven!!! 🙄

It is our job as parents to ensure that our DC know stuff like this.

I have to admit I found it weird when my colleague said the other day "well we've got [subject x] on monday so its a big revision weekend for us"

Its her son who's sitting the exams!

Out of all the open days I went to with my son I only saw 2 people there without at least one parent. Teenagers are allowed to have support, that dosent stop when you reach a certain age. My teen is very dependent, that didn't stop the need for support, everyone needs support.

I didn't ho to uni and didn't know what open days were, or when they were on.

Having witnessed teen DC with no parental support , parents who literally for whatever reason don't care about them ,I can't get excited about parents who do too much

It’s also possible for you to take him there but allow him to attend the open day on his own while you browse the shops / visit a museum / sit in a cafe and work. That is providing support but also encouraging independence.

What a great parental relationship.

I’m also a uni professor and I have taught at all types of places in UK including highly prestigious and less so. My experience is that extremely bright young people are often not the most socially able, and yes partly this is parental coddling. It’s also partly neurodiversity - brains that can do extraordinary things are often non-typical and struggle with the ordinary.

Yep. I did my A’levels in 2002 and my parents had zero input. I’m not even sure they could have told you which A’levels I was taking. (And they were teachers so not uninterested in education). At that point I had a boyfriend at uni in a different city, I’d get the coach from Stratford (East London) every Friday to go and stay with him for the weekend. Completely in control of my own time and social life - I did get invited on family holidays and trips but rarely went. Parents didn’t accompany me to uni open days or interviews (and nor did most people’s from what I remember). Very different time. Would have hated to have my independence trampled at that point.