Eating through my daughter

It's also not how anorexia works. People with anorexia often have extreme dysmorphia regarding their own bodies but are completely able to realistically recognise body size in others. I have seen this anecdotally and it is also seen in the research.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6386369/

People with anorexia are controlling about their own food but often enjoy seeing others eat and cooking/feeding others. It's part of the disease (there is actually an interesting theory about the evolutionary origins of anorexia given how strong its genetic component is and how this characteristic fits with that but that's not for this thread)

It is highly unlikely that the OP's concern for her daughter's weight is triggered by anything other than genuine concern for her wellbeing. In fact, her admission that her eating disorder (however she frames it) is leading her to over-feed her daughter is insightful and brave.

This is such a distressing and sad thread OP, I really hope you get help as soon as possible, for yourself and your daughter.

How on earth are you surviving on such little quantities of food and drink for days on end? You must have headaches, fainting or anything else that would be noticeable to others around? As fellow PPs have said hasn’t your husband picked up on anything on weekends, holidays?

Do you have any other support with family/friends nearby?

Please give us an update, sending you love x

Again with the making shit up!

Of all the '4 foot something' heights this girl could be, you've decided she can only be the upper range that suits your narrative.

Your 'betting your left arm' and 'strongly suspecting' is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. (Pardon the pun.)

Why not try to engage with the facts you've been given? You can still help the OP. She's more likely to listen to your good advice if you're responding to what she's telling you and not the scenario you've created in your head, which is clearly based on someone else's experience and not hers?

Exactly this. Child taken away solves nothing and causes trauma for the child and mother. Support for mother who is showing that she wants to make this better solves everything.

@Genevieva both my granddaughters take clothing bigger than their age. The youngest doesn't carry body fat, she is under the hospital for other disabilities, she's the lower end of recommended weight. She is in 12 year old t shirts and 13 year old dresses, at 9. The elder one is in puberty, at nearly 11 and we get women's size small. She's just been signed off from the hospital (bowel issues), she isn't considered close to overweight. It's how people look, body fat wise, but girls in puberty can be chubby. However it's dangerous to tell a anorexic that they should concern themselves with their child's weight and not just concentrate on goid, nurishing food.
@Backedoffhackedoff so you tell an anorexic that there's no issue? What does not being honest look like?

It sounds like anorexia. Ofc, diagnosis is only from medical professional who knows the op but I know a lot about this disease and the signs all point in that direction.

No idea how overweight the child is but that is immaterial to whether the op has anorexia or not and the op said she is overweight.

Sadly many living with chronic anorexia learn to keep their weight just above what would be a medical emergency but certainly nowhere near enough what their body needs. And worse than that is the constant psychological torment they go through

Nope I have simply called out those diagnosing her ED when they have no idea of what is going on in her brain and also those being unnecessarily nasty.

@JumpingB3an for someone who has spent so much time scolding others for making suppositions about OP and what happens in her household without knowing her, you are making a fair few yourself in defence of her. Funny that.

Nope! Not dismissive at all. Like all who disagree with your type of approach I have voiced she very much needs to go to her GP whilst tempering expectations as sadly the bar is high to get support from Ed services.

You have clearly been triggered throughout this thread as all of your posts are dismissive or combative.

The poster you are replying to speaks complete sense.

Complete rubbish. She needs support and kindness. Very few parents are perfect as humans or parents. Shes well aware and has written an honest op asking for help. Eds are hugely secretive and easy to hide so it’s completely unfair laying into her husband too.

Struggling with food to the extent you are living your eating disorder through your child and are unable to be objective about what a healthy, appropriate diet and weight for a child is IS bad parenting. I would say the same to someone giving their child takeaways because they can’t be arsed cooking and think it’s fine because chips are vegetables.

Being a bad parent doesn’t always mean malicious intent. Doesn’t always mean the parent doesn’t love their child.

None of that negates the harm done. And as the adult in charge it’s up to every parent to get support when they are failing their kids, be it from the other parent - and I think OPs husband is either extremely complacent or very disengaged and needs to get his arse in gear - or outside agencies.

You defending OP doggedly whilst acknowledging the harm being done almost as a casual side effect in case she feels bad is not helping OP either.

There is. Struggling with food does not make you a bad parent.

Now that is a ridiculous comment.

And you don’t think you’re minimising….

She’s aware of that, she started a thread on it.

@Backedoffhackedoff several posters have referenced their eating disorders. More have reference their mothers’ disorders and the negative impact it had on everyone involved.

There’s more to parenting than food but in a case where a child’s entire relationship to food is being shaped by a parent with a severe eating disorder, who is acknowledging they are causing harm, there’s a significant and urgent need for the parent to address their issues and leaving that section of parenting to one who has capacity to model healthy behaviour.

OPs daughter is not a casual bystander to her eating disorder. She is an active part of the compulsion and disorder.

Who are you talking about then? Not one poster has demonstrated eating issues that I can see. The sympathetic posters understand how complex eating disorders are and that you can’t make this better with a good telling off

Some posts have been. Child protection for one .

Ridiculous? 🙄 Er, no. I don't think so.

Don’t be so ridiculous. Everybody has advised getting help, some however have called out hysteria, scaremongering,false arm chair diagnoses and plain unpleasantness too.

I think you're right. I hope that the OP is at least reading the more measured posts on this thread, especially those urging her to seek specialised professional help. Sadly, I think some people on the thread have their own issues with disordered eating, but I very much hope the OP has enough insight to discount those posts.

@rachelsrosesif you're still reading, please look into the resources that have been referenced on this thread, as well as contacting your GP.

Actually there is a whole lot more to parenting than food.

I don't think the OP will return to this thread but there is no mistaking the severity of her problem.

Someone needs to be advocating for her poor dd, because unless OP gets the professional help she needs, her daughter's whole childhood will be shaped by her mother's ED.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, as someone who has also suffered with an eating disorder I know how hard it is. Please get some therapy and contact eating disorder charities for support, there really is help out there. I agree with Pp suggestion to speak with your husband asap and hand over food responsibilities to him for your daughter ( I'm assuming you just mean he's unhealthy, not disordered) because it's not fair on your daughter's nourishment to be filtered through your ED. Please also try to stop thinking of your daughter as overweight, BMIs and categorisation for children is really unscientific because their bodies are always growing and changing in different states..