To wonder why we have more than one child?

I think there’s a lot of pressure not to stop at one. People can be weird about only children. Personally I think it can be a good thing. No competition for attention or resources. We had two and I wanted a third. Quite glad we stopped at two now!

I definitely felt that too. I used to also worry that if anything was to happen to my first child I wouldn’t want to carry on but obviously would have to if I had a second. I thought about that a lot! As it is I don’t think love does get shared. You just find more love. It’s a slightly different kind of love I have for my eldest. My littlest one you can’t not love. She demands it!

Exactly. Self deprecating... It has to be. Though I have to say I only see this on Mumsnet. I have never heard anyone with children - in real life - moaning to a childfree person about how 'lucky' they are having no children.

Loads of childfree people on here make this claim, that all these tired and frazzled mummies are coming up to them and telling them that they 'envy' them, and all their 'surplus income' and 'free time,' and that they're better off not having children.

I have never experienced this happening in real life. I have loved/enjoyed having children for the vast majority of the time I have had them, but even during the few tough times when it was hard going, I never said to the childfree people I know 'oh you are so lucky, having no children! I do envy you. I wish I was you!' It just never happened. And I have never ever heard anyone else say it. And as I said, I do wonder (if someone does actually say it,) if it's some self deprecation thing that the British do so well?

Some people may even feel slightly sorry for the childfree people, so they're trying to play it down, that they actually love being a mum. Many women don't want to talk about how they love being a mother (to childfree women,) in case it comes across as smug, or like 'don't you wish YOU had children...?'

To be honest, why else are we here if not to procreate? It keeps the world turning.

Hello, are you me? 😆 I love my siblings dearly and I do feel guilty my son won’t have that, but exactly as you said - I just don’t have the capacity to be a good mum to more than one child.

The absence of an urge to procreate varies widely across individuals and but usually is attributed to a combination of psychological, social, and physiological factors.

I always find threads like this strange. People have (or normally have) the amount of children they want whether it be 0-5. I find it strange that people are badgered or have to feel they need to justify the choices they make in this respect.

People's reasons for the number of children they want will be individual to them. And for a lot of people maybe they get on fine with one and think they'll manage with two and struggle with that. Few of us know how the reality will turn out. Maybe some people are prepared for a few hard years until their kids grow up and they hopefully see the benefit of sibling relationships. Some people cope effortlessly with a large brood. Some people stick with one because they know that's their capacity.

All these decisions are of course absolutely valid. No one should have to defend or explain their choices!

I was an "only" until I was 10. I wasn't lonely, I had schoolfriends locally that I used to see at weekends and in school holidays, and my DM was an SAHM, so she was around all the time. I was a bookish child, always reading (no daytime tv or streaming services in the 1960s) when I wasn't playing with friends. And we used to go out a lot, I think I'd been to most of the museums in London by the time I finished primary.

Good thread. I have 2 its costly as older college etc. Never liked 3 as I have 2 sisters and always felt left out. Even as adults now. So not a given siblings will be close.

Not everyone feels how you do OP. I’ve never felt at the end of my tether and have loved being a parent. My friends are the same.

When we had our first, we were so happy that we knew we wanted more. We only stopped at two because we wanted to be able to give them both lots of time and opportunities. For us, the love we have for our children is like nothing else and we wanted to experience that with another child.

This is so interesting, and hits home.

I’ve previously said on here my only sibling is a drug addict. He’s a very frustrating person to be around. The only thing we really have in common now is the same mum and dad and childhood memories. This isn’t enough for us to have a good relationship. I often feel like an only child as we are so different. I love him, but i think i would have been perfectly happy as an only child.
Some sibling relationships are lovely, but in my friendship circle i can think of more bad or indifferent than good.

I only wanted one child as my relationship with my sibling has been fraught and I didn't want to risk that with my own children.

But when I had a baby I just loved everything about it and the urge for another was very strong. I feel sad that I'll never experience those early years again (we tried for a second but weren't able).

I agree with this.

It reminds me of how my youngest child will come home and scream and tantrum at me when she’s been perfectly behaved at school - it’s because (and I actually hate this phrase because it’s a bit twee) I’m her “safe space”. I’m sure I’ve spent years having coffee with friends where I just stare into space with tiredness or use them as a shoulder to cry on. It’s not because I hate my life, I’m just needing to let it out at that moment.

And the tiredness, yes I’ve never known anything like it. But also, I found that I didn’t care that much (surprisingly).. Did the idea of another few years of interrupted sleep factor into my plans to have a second (and now third) DC? Not for a second. I’ll be tired for longer - that’s fine. It’s a small price to pay.

@SpottyAlpaca I am NOT saying that people who don’t want children should have them and I don’t believe there is anything sad about being childfree by choice. I guess I’m just saying that, having now come through the sleepless night years with 2 DC and having somewhat of a life back, it’s not illogical for me to be pregnant for #3 - I’m not expecting a different outcome! I know I’m going to be a tired zombie again and that’s (more than) ok with me.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, you are a much more capable person than I am to have four!

In terms of money, that’s only something you can know - you either have enough money for two sets what you want to pay for (school fees, university, deposits) or not.

In terms of time and play dates, extra curriculars etc - there is no issue in my experience.

About 50% of the play dates my oldest will go to include my second child anyway as the friend will have a similarly aged sibling (and realistically most parents make a bit of an effort to try to engineer friendships when there are two sets of siblings with a similar gap at the same school as it suits everyone). If not included, it’s 1-1 time with the other one 🤷‍♀️ as past about age 6 you wouldn’t tend to stay at play dates anyway.

For some extra curriculars you can try and arrange for them to both have them at the same time - I managed for both my kids to have swimming lessons, in the same pool but in different groups, at the same time. Plenty of people I know do school arranged extra curriculars on the same day (eg child A in football and B in coding, so a late pick up for both). Also when it doesn’t suit, again it’s built in one on one time. So on Saturdays my second child has extra curriculars in the morning, during which my DH and I take the first child out to a coffee shop and it’s really nice. The same is repeated during the week when first child has a club and second child and I wait around the corner eating cake in a shop and reading the school book for the day.

Parties are a non issue for the most part. I’d happily stayed and watched Child A, bringing Child B with me when B was a baby or a young toddler so automatically not included in numbers / party bags. Then when B was old enough that they needed not to be there, A was old enough to be left anyway. Even if there was no B I’d still be leaving A anyway as past a certain age most parties are drop off.

For us, we want to keep the family line going. We also want loads of grandchildren! I'm pregnant with number 4 at the moment, and I'm hoping I can have another one (...or two) after this.

Our greatest gift to the world are our children.

also, there is a very real possibility that even if a parent with children feels that it’s the best thing they’ve ever done, can’t imagine their life without them, and it fully completes them, they might not express that to someone who has chosen to be child free. More likely to moan about how hard it is.

I was going to be one and done. Then the universe laughed at me and I had twins.
I'm done. Definitely done.

Because they might moan about the bad bits but they are absolutely loving the good bits in a way that outweighs it all. It doesn't make any sense from the outside - it doesn't make logical sense at all - but they're not doing the same thing hoping for a different outcome at all: they want more of the same.

And when you are an only child, you also know the loneliness you get with it.

I was an only until nearly 8 years old and very lonely. I struggled to relate well to other children. I didn’t want that for my oldest. As it happens they both have autism but present it completely different ways. Chances are I do too which accounts for the childhood loneliness but I didn’t know that when the kids were tiny.

I have no regrets and seeing the sibling relationship has been given us so much joy. They don’t always get on particularly as teenagers. But they still laugh together a lot and have each other’s backs. It’s also felt me feel less responsible when things have been challenging, they are so different that when they are being difficult it is obviously nature rather than nurture. They are both loving and caring kids who have overcome lots of challenges. When they were small weekends and holidays were easier as they would often entertain each other. I find friends’ only DC so demanding.

I found it easier with two dcs than with one 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But why do we carry on? You said it yourself. Parenting one feels ok so why would it be different with the second?

I think maybe the answer is yes, some people don’t have that same drive to have children. And that’s fine. I remember before I had kids I tried hard to find the reason who I wanted them, and to make sure it was a good reason. was it to care for me in my old age, was it because everyone else was doing it, in the end I realised I didn’t have a good reason other than that I wanted them which I can only assume is biology/hormones. If some people didn’t have that, then the human race would die out so ultimately I’m fine with my hormones directing my choices in this regard.

I find this question quite strange. People have more than one because their biology is set up that way. To maintain society. To create a family that is larger than three.

A large part of the reason people find it so hard is because society is set up to make it hard. It's not having kids that is the problem, that's just normal.

It's society that's not set up to let kids and parents live in a happy and healthy way.