To wonder why we have more than one child?

Yes, that’s my experience. Our childhood was difficult and poor, and our impulse was to strike out away from the family unit in adulthood and get the hell away from one another. Some rapprochement now in middle age, but it’s slow and chancy.

Same.

I'm not even convinced my sister is interested in knowing who I am. We do the things that you do with family, because sisters. But she only contacts me outside of family things if she needs something from me, or to tell me about something exciting she just wants to feel good about.

I get no phone calls, no messages asking how I am. She claims she loves DD, her niece, but other than cards/presents for occasions or if my mum makes her tag along on a visit she doesn't see her or even ask about her.

I tried for a long time, making the effort to contact her, arrange things to do together or even just visits at home, sending photos and updates and calling etc. Got nothing back.

She is my sister and I love her because you love your siblings. But we have next to no relationship. That will come as we get older because we'll lose our parents and she'll need me. It will never be because she wants to be sisters.

I don’t think this is completely true, I am much closer and have much more in common with several of my close friends than I am with my sister. We are so different that it doesn’t even feel like we have a shared history because we remember different things.
we are getting closer now (in our fifties) but have had to work really hard at it.

Did they never need a bit of help with shopping, climbing up on a chair to change smoke alarm battery, getting xmas tree out the attic,picked up from hospital, shopping in winter weather etc?

When i think of my son helping me in my old age, I would never accept any form of personal care from DS or DIL but there will become a time when I might need a hand with smaller tasks. E.g MIL was in hospital for 3 months during Covid, I had to go in and get her laundry handed to me every few days and drop off her clean clothes. I wasn't allowed to see her, but I was allowed to wander all through the hospital, knock on ward door and get a bin bag of stinking clothes thrown at me 🤢.

That’s basically what this thread is, though. People telling you reasons and you arguing with them and ‘not getting it’. That was @EmeraldShamrock000’s point.

And even your own stated reasoning, carried to its rational conclusion, somehow doesn’t make sense to you.

I’m perfectly happy to leave it, however. I hope things get better for you.

It's always interesting to me when people say they wouldn't want an only child. I was an only and it's fine. There would be times it would be nice to have a sibling and my best friend is very close to her siblings but plenty of other don't get on. My ex h and his brother haven't seen each other for a few years. they are nothing alike and once their mum passed they saw less and less of each other. I am not even sure they send cards now which does seem a shame. I have friends who don't get along with their siblings as adults.

My son is an only child and when he was younger I wanted another (biology?) but it wasn't meant to be. Looking back, there have been many advantages to him being an only child and he doesn't seem to mind. We get on great and he has good friends. He has always been great company and seemed more mature than many of his peers, perhaps down to spending more time with adults. We never fall out and once he got to school age he was very easy to be around. He is 19 now. Only having one has made it possible for me to spend more time with him but also work more. There was a period in secondary school when he was unable to attend and then I home ed through gcses. I am not sure that would have been quite so plain sailing with siblings to get to school (or home ed) as well, although of course many do it.

I think a lot of people think they should have 2. Most of his friends have one sibling, a few have more and a couple are only children. I think having them close in age is hardest. I have 2 friends who had 2 under 2 and they both really struggled in those early years but I think it got easier as they got older. Some pairs I know are close while others are not. It is never a given they will get on so having a second just so they will have someone when you are gone makes no sense. In many ways when my mum needed help/care it was easier with there just being me. I had no expectations of equal support which can cause resentment and noone to disagree with me about what was the best course of action. Yes it can be lonely (I am single) but people with no siblings can be lonely too.

One was enough for me. DH doesn't get on with his brother (BIL is a prick tbf) and I never had a sibling bond as there's over a decade between me and my sister so I didn't get the whole "they need a sibling" thing.

Funnily enough as got into my 40's I was constantly having dreams (nightmares?) about being pregnant, think it was my moth eaten old ovaries wanting a last hurrah.

Another argument is having more than one child to share the burden when you get old and need help. Recently been through that with MIL and it was far easier just being DH and I making all the decisions (BIL never turned up to social work meetings so we didn'tlet him have an opinion). It also stops the daughter being the main carer with the 'Disney' sons popping by to meddle on bdays, mothers day and Xmas.

Quite. A lot of old people live well into old age and die of a short illness. None of the four of my grandparents required care. Granted two died in their 40s, one died of a heart attack on his way back from the pub and even my grandmother was independent until she died of a short illness in hospital. So it's completely not a given and if the reason you're born is so that you're required to give your eldest sibling help with a parent, it's probably not going to make you want to do it!

Are you responding to me? It’s hard to tell, as you’ve stopped using the quote function.

If so, I don’t think that really addresses my point.

Yes, but I’m asking why you think that only applies once?

If you get why one would have a baby to experience pregnancy and birth (I’ll be honest, these were the shit bits, in my opinion, but I know lots of people loved it) and have a baby and be a mum and have a family - then why don’t you get doing it to experience pregnancy and birth again, have another baby, be a mum of two/three/whatever and have a larger family?

Even if your sole motivation is novelty, you haven’t done those things before. Pregnancies are different, births are different, and - as you know from experience - having two kids is very different to having one.

Quite. I have two cars because I need two cars. Me and my husband work in two different places of work, in opposite directions that take 1.5 hours on public transport vs 20 mins in a car. Whereas we wanted two children!

Its basic biology. We are a tribal animal so have the basic urgw to reproduce and make more of ‘us’ so we are dominant. Then there is the fact that historically a high percentage of kids died in early childhood.
in modern times we want our children to have siblings etc. but years ago families had 6,7,8 plus kids and now 1-3 is the norm. Partly due to the expense, partly due to people having kids later so not enough time to have lots before menopause kicks in.

peoples personal experiences and situations will also affect it. I have 3, which I love and because I am adopted there was a subconscious need to have blood gamily that I am related to.

I think we are all different and experience things differently. I loved having two children even though the second was a nightmare when she was a baby and there were some hard times.
But I also understand how some people feel differently about it.

However, I do genuinely hope that things improve for you and that you get to a point where you can see some benefits and joy in having two children.

The thing I have realised with parenting over the years is that you are on constantly shifting sands & things change all the time as your children get older. I hope for you they change for the better.

I always find it strange that the care of elderly parents is somehow a factor for consideration for the number of kids you want. No one will know how this will pan out.

Of course having loving, supportive relationships with siblings to help with parents is always more beneficial. No one would argue with that. And of course doing it on your own is difficult and hard. But there are some only children who are absolute resolute they have it harder, that having a sibling would have made it easier and everyone with siblings has it easier than them.

I work in Older social work and find many situations where people have siblings are doing all the hard work AND having to deal with toxic family relationships and sibling resentment. In these cases many people would feel being an only child would be easier. And this is a discussion, people are always going to argue and defend their point even if it feels yours isn't acknowledged. Sometimes only childen have it harder, sometimes they don't. And I think there needs to be some recognition the fantasy sibling you have in your head might not be the one you get.

I had two and they never got on. It is some years ago now, but my memories are they they fought constantly and the second one was bullied mercilessly by the eldest. They still don’t get on now really, despite being adults. With hindsight I would stick at one. Having said that, my sister was my best friend!

When did I order you off your own thread?
I’ll leave you to your thread. I hope you managed to fake it around the children and they aren’t aware of your regrets.

My two are grown up but despite a big age gap they are really good friends. My DSis died so I am an only child technically and I find it difficult dealing with very aging parents on my own. I really miss being able to vent to her and have someone who understands.