Husband anger issues

Get this toxic man in the bin and protect your kids. What a shocking example he is setting them. Had he always been so emotionally stunted that he can’t take responsibility for his own behaviour? I would find this a revolting turn off tbh and I’d have to separate ASAP . Who does that to their own kids AND then blame their mum?!

Your boys love their dad: of course they do. but what are they learning from him? and what are they learning from you about the way women behave around violent men?

financially you can't imagine divorce: well no. Divorce is always catastrophic in terms of finances, which is why people usually leave it way later than they should have done. but what are you risking by not even considering this? if he doesn't change but gets worse (likely) what will your life be like in 5 years? what damage will have been done to your kids?

Is there a way to improve things? the only person who can change his behaviour is him. The only person's behaviour you can change is your own. Can he change? Well yes, if he were horrified by his actions, owning that he has an anger management problem, and is desperate to find help to help him manage it, and follows through with getting that help and actively working on himself. How likely is that from here?

Please browse the relationships board for where this relationship might go. MN is an amazing resource for helping people to see the consequences of staying in a relationship like this, and also providing hope and a path out of it.

Breaking kids toys infront of them and swearing at you infront of them, is abusive.

This is not acceptable OP and it sounds like you are putting up with it because it was how your own family behaved when you were a child and you don't have good boundaries and can't recognise what healthy relationships are.

It is completely inappropriate for him to swear at you, throw things around and display that level of anger in front of your poor kids.

What will he do next? throw something at the children? hit them? hit you?

Frankly I would not want to live with a man like that or allow him to scare our kids in this way.

OP give him an ultimatum: he needs to seek professional help to address his anger issues and never repeat what he just did, or you are leaving.

Yes it’s unusual. But I thought it was normal growing up too. It was only when I became an adult and formed my own relationships that I realised how abnormal and not ok it is.

I had an XH like this. I begged him to get anger management but he would apologise and things slowly escalated.

When he kicked the shit out of me, of course it was “look what you made me do.”

Please leave before things escalate. 💐

I’ve been married over 20 years and we have had a rough ride over the years. We have both been angry but have never ever told each other to fuck off (other than in jest). Nobody has ever thrown so much as a piece of paper. My DS was never “rough” or violent in school or at home (angry, yes). My dad was angry once that I recall and know about in 50 years of marriage and he shouted but it wasn’t directed at us. My FIL likewise. Anger is an emotion we all feel, usually related to feeling stressed and disempowered but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with it.

You do not have to live with someone who cannot manage their anger and it is a big red flag and often the gateway to domestic abuse.

Why should you be tactful instead of him showing some control over his negative emotions? Why do you have to be the emotional regulator? You do it all day with actual toddlers and small kids, then he comes and disrupts the peace in thr last hr of thr day! It's for HIM to be tactful not you in that scenario.

My husband had a shouty angry dad and is determined he won't he thr same for our son, as he remembers being afraid, and trying tontread carefully even at a young age to avoid anger from his dad.

My dad wasn't angry in general but the most random.things would set him.off, like he'd not be angry all day then a cup of water would he spilled and he'd go off suddenly, I still remember it from being very small.

So angry dad might be common but doesn't make it OK. Your husband has self control even if denies it, he also has feet so can walk away and take a breather instead of inflicting his own spleen on his family.

Really not normal. Being grumpy and then apologising to the children when you realise you are is normal. Throwing and damaging their possessions isn't. Shouting at a neighbour isn't.

You don't want your kids to grow up scared. Either your DH does a LOT of work to control his anger or you leave the marriage.

I’m nearly 50 and your post gave me that tight tummy feeling from when my df would get angry. I’d have thought it was normal if I hadn’t married dh, who can control himself. I still vividly remember the first time he was properly (and justifiably) annoyed with me, and reigned himself in. I had no idea that was actually possible.

The problem with growing up with a model like that is that you don’t know. You married someone who doesn’t know how to control himself, and it’s a reasonable guess that he was raised by someone similar. The cycle can be broken but he has to want to, and to realise it can be done.

But, sometimes you need to know when to cut your losses. Not all men are capable of change, or interested in trying. This is the classic book on angry men.

You can't fix him.

You can divorce him.

my ex was like this too. When my children were small there were fewer incidents but they creep in. Abuse doesn’t start instantly. It’s about control. You’ll be so worried now at bedtime that he’ll probably never have to do it again.
People often say ‘ oh I bet he doesn’t do it at work’ but mine did. He shouted at everyone.
I had a 20 year relationship that I thought was happy and like you assumed that’s what other people felt like as I grew up with an angry dad too.
We split after 20 years and like you all he says is if didn’t annoy him he wouldn’t get angry.
Im not going to say LTB as I know it’s not that easy but be very aware.

Look I'm probably a bit biased here, just reading your OP put that sick feeling of dread back in the pit of my stomach because I had an XH with a temper on him who could (and did) ruin anything with his moods. I wouldn't be surprised if the mere mention of that book sends your 4yo right back to how he felt last night for the rest of his life.

We all get angry sometimes, but normal kind people will acknowledge that and apologise once they've calmed down. Abusive arseholes double down and blame others, make their anger someone else's problem to fix.

Stop saying he's a good Dad because he isn't. You've chosen someone exactly like your own Dad.

It’s not normal, my dad never swore or got angry around me, I never felt he was frustrated or annoyed with me either, my uncle and grandfathers were lovely gentle men too so I get really anxious around angry men

I grew up in a household with an angry dad. We all walked on eggshells wondering what mood he’d be in when he got home from work. To be honest, even at the time I knew it wasn’t normal as friends Dads didn’t behave like that.
It really hardened me that I was going to raise the bar for my own kids and they weren’t going to grow up scared in their own home like I did. I actually grew to resent my mum for putting up with it.
I’m not saying my DH is perfect 100% of the time but he’s not shouty, angry and abusive.
You don’t need to continue the cycle with your own kids, hold him to higher standards.

Well, you’re married, so you’re stuck with him for the rest of your life…

My dad is/was very angry and I grew up in a house of arguing. I don’t want that for my kids

You recreated what you saw modeled for you during your childhood. Your kids will do that too. Your oldest already is.

In hindsight, I wished I hadn’t said anything. I felt like his grumpiness was escalating and it was getting on my wick.

You're thinking it's better to walk on eggshells because now you're afraid to set him off.

Well he does get angry at people at work and recently shouted at the neighbour.

Your husband is an angry, abusive asshole. He broke your kid's book. He's escalating and his abuse is directed at everyone around him. You need to tell someone close what's going on and get advice from your local domestic violence hotline.

nah this is not ok and it’s worrying anyone would defend it. Breaking the kids stuff on purpose is a red line. Telling you to fuck off is a red line. Poor kids witnessing that.