Husband anger issues

My husband would have two options, deal with his anger issues or leave.

We are all capable of losing our temper but if it becomes a repeating pattern with no attempt to deal with it, that's a problem.

My dad was (is) like this.
It affected everyone. I have six siblings- one brother is basically the clone of our father and can't keep a relationship because he's always shouting and breaking things and nobody will put up with it. As well they shouldn't.
One sister married a man exactly like him.
I ended up with a man exactly like him and he very nearly killed me, in the end, after some really horrible times.
The rest of them are just plain old-fashioned traumatised with only a handful of happy memories from childhood.
And our mother didn't leave him because What would people think?! and we all resent her for it.

It is not unusual for peole in a marriage to get angry. But in a working marriage it should not be the norm.

And if you get angry and lose it, you should apologise when you've calmed down - own it, rather than blame your spouse for making you angry.

Your instincts are right. The level of anger where you destroy your child's favourite book and then blame your spouse is not healthy.

ETA has he apologused to his son forbthe book he destroyed? He bloody should; and if he won't you might want to reassess how good a dad he is.

Feelings are one thing, behaviour is a different thing. We all get angry sometimes - we don't all shout or throw and damage things. Do you?

Anger doesn't have to be expressed as aggression to others - especially children. Most couples argue - some do so in front of the kids, some don't. But most people don't take anger (that's about something else entirely) out on kids.

We all have various kinds of negative emotions sometimes. We need to learn what's an acceptable and healthy way of responding to them and managing them and expressing them, and what isn't. And kids learn that from their parents - from a very young age.

Yes being tired , grumpy and losing patience is normal. People get snappy, or quiet, or not as fun as usual. People lose their temper sometimes. That's all OK if its sometimes. What's not normal is shouting, swearing, throwing things, blaming other people for a loss of control. What's not normal is someones partner telling them they're not happy in the marriage and suggests a way to fix it and, that person refuses, blames the other person 100pc and 'calls their bluff' on a divorce (wtaf)

Yes I'm sure that some people can overcome their anger issues but that's if they recognise they have a problem, take accountability and really want to try and sort it and are willing to put in the effort eg through therapy. There is literally no way to solve someone else's anger issue without their engagement, other than removing yourself from the situation, unfortunately

Please leave OP. If you’re only staying because you don’t want to leave the children alone with him, it’s definitely time to go. Your children will thank you. And believe me, he won’t have them half as much as you think he will.

As they get older they can vote with their feet. For now, you need to be their feet!

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Please start making a plan to leave, it may take a couple of years, but start to plan for it now.

He sounds exactly like my ex. The kids used to adore their dad, but as they got older, the anger got worse. My eldest was petrified of him and would break down in tears. My youngest however would argue back. After one particularly bad argument, he went to hit her and she had to run and hide behind me, the rage I saw on his face towards my 6 year old child was the final straw.

He does have a stressful job, which I always took into consideration, but never once did he apologise or see anything wrong in his actions. He just carried on next day laughing and joking like nothing had happened.

We eventually left, and they have a much better relationship with him now, but wow, I wish I did it sooner...

You really cannot afford to carry on in this relationship. It is already damaging your children. If you split up it may be that the kids are with him alone but they will have you as a safe haven and may well vote with their feet when they get older. It’s better to be in an abusive household some rather than all of the time, which is the situation now.

Not in my case, I had to endure brief supervised access and then court granted no access of the abuser to me.

Sadly she chose to stay with him for the most formative years of my development, causing me CPTSD for life.

My Dad was like this. He could not manage negative emotions and took them out on everyone else. It created an awful culture and very much contributed to abuse among siblings in the family who used our father’s tactic and took their negative emotions out on younger kids.

Your husband is the one with the problem here and his solution for his problem, to take stress out on loved ones means he is not a good father. I’m estranged from my family due to the issues this caused in our family.

Once the kids start speaking back and having a mind of their own you will have big problems
I left after 20 years as he started being violent towards the children

@Sunnyday14558 has a point though. If she divorces him he will have his kids by himself and she won't be there to protect them! That's why I didn't leave my dh tbh.

What I mean is that if she left you would still have had to see him?

I was given a similar traumatic childhood and there is simply no excuse for traumatising children.
My mother made me stay in a house with a violent monster for years, because she was 'scared'. Not as scared as me, who had no choice. She had a choice every day. I suffer every day because of the two adults who failed me.
(She was also a terrible mother in many other ways)
Choices have consequences.

Reconsider trying to make a victim of child abuse feel sympathy for the one person they depended on to keep them safe, I feel sorry for that poster, not their parent

But I bet if the thing in his hand was something he cared about and not the child’s thing he wouldn’t have thrown.

You need to leave for your children not to grow up messed up from this.

if he did this and was super apologetic and said he didn’t know what came over him that’d be one thing but he thinks it’s normal/justified! That’s awful .

I feel bad for your mum that you resent her. She was probably trying to protect you by being with you rather than leaving you alone with your dad?

Anger is a normal emotion but it’s how we manage it and if we do lose our temper what we do after.

Firstly he absolutely shouldn’t be getting that angry especially in front of his kids. And secondly there’s no accountability he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you and his kids.
Only you can decide if this is manageable long term but I would start making plans to split even if you don’t go. And arrange to talk to him in a public place about his anger and the impact on your kids

Altered Brain Development: Frequent verbal aggression and harsh shouting can physically change how a child’s brain develops. Scans reveal impacts to the amygdala (emotional processing) and the hippocampus (memory), often leaving individuals permanently hyper-alert to threats or prone to anxiety in adulthood.
Depression and Self-Esteem: Children and adolescents who are frequently shouted at are far more likely to suffer from feelings of worthlessness, lack of self-control, and lingering depressive symptoms.
Impaired Social and Physical Health: Chronic childhood stress from yelling has been linked to long-term immune and vascular problems, chronic pain, and an increased struggle to maintain healthy boundaries and friendships as adults.

OP draw a firm line now before it slides further, because it will.
Read others posts about the knot in the stomach - its all avoidable. Dont let your kids be affected further. Bite that bullet

Being together isn’t working for your family, so you need to address this before both children have anger issues.

Blaming others for their own emotions and actions is a classic abuser tactic.
you did not make him angry. This is not your fault. You do not have to make excuses for him.
maybe he grew up in a home where everyone was afraid and walking on egg shells, modifying their behaviour when dad is home, do not do the same to your children. Don’t let them grow up thinking this is an ok way to treat those you love.

I would contact Womens Aid, take their advice and make a plan to leave with them.
he doesn’t sound like someone who would accept anger management therapy? He’s not even acknowledging the feeling and behaviour was his own, he’s blaming you and the children. Classic abuser tactic.

He says “you made me angry.” Jess Hill wrote a whole book on that exact phrase. You could do worse than read it to see your life from the outside,

https://www.amazon.com.au/See-What-You-Made-Me-ebook/dp/B07M8RGLF7

If you said to your husband that his anger scares you and the children, and that you will divorce him if nothing changes - how would he react?

If his reaction is self reflection, to begin therapy, to really work on changing himself before he loses his family as a result of his lack of control - then maybe you have a chance?

Is his reaction is anger, blame, deflection - then at least you know you tried, and it's his problem that he's not ready or able to solve.

There is literally nothing else you can do, unless you want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells around an angry man