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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel undervalued when my husband keeps score financially?

187 replies

PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 19:59

I remarried a couple of years ago, have 2 lovely children from 1st marriage, finally bought a house with OH that is ours together. We bought as tenants in common as I had bigger share of deposit.
OH is paying majority of household bills and mortgage. OH has an income 6x larger than me.
OH is getting p*ssy because I asked him to check on the dinner when I went to pick up DS for 10 mins. I asked OH if he could pick up kids from clubs one day next week- to which he has stated is a chore.
I work part time, spend all of my income on groceries/ petrol/ things for children/ my own bills eg phone/ car/ activities etc I have non left at the end of the month. My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.
I hate the way I am being treated in this respect, AIBU? My DC are not his and he plays a big part in their life, I feel like I cannot expect everything from him, and as he says, they are not his responsibility. Is it even possible to be appreciated fully by the man I married? I often feel that I have a teenager rather than a partner.

OP posts:
Cheeseandolivesplease · 04/06/2026 23:33

They are not his children, so the financial responsibility in the main should fall with you and their bio dad.
I have two older children from my first marriage and don't expect my husband to pay for them really.
The little one I have with my now husband - of course we take fair responsibility each for her financially (and with care etc).

Wot23 · 04/06/2026 22:53

why do you "need" social media to tell you what to do?
you are both on (at least) second time around marriages so both know precisely how to decide when to end it and what will trigger you simply walking off (with or without the money).

Original poster
PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 22:25

Jellyofftheplate · 04/06/2026 20:10

I get why he's resentful. You and your kids are living in a home that he is paying the entire mortgage and bills on - but that you own more of! I think he isn't dealing with it brilliantly but this is undoubtedly a bit of a piss take when you're just swanning around working part time.

Sorry, you are mistaken, there is no swanning around.
I have explained a little more in the later post, hopefully that makes it clearer. Tenants in common have an adjustable scale in home ownership, based on the financial contribution, which change over time.

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 04/06/2026 22:03

This all sounds very joy less and clinical. I couldn’t live like this. Where every action or purchase is weighed up and evaluated for its cost or value. I think you’ve made a mistake getting into this relationship unfortunately.

InterIgnis · 04/06/2026 21:55

It sounds like he made it clear that he wasn’t going to coparent with you and assume any more responsibility than he already has done. That level of involvement is something a stepparent can choose to offer, but they are no means obliged to. So no, you cannot expect him to treat your children as a joint responsibility, because they aren’t.

If you wanted that, it was on you to not marry someone that wasn’t offering it.

Original poster
PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 21:51

Jellybunny98 · 04/06/2026 20:50

I think it’s a hard one because I assume you work part time to benefit your children which are not his children, and spend your money on your children which are not his children, so he isn’t going to “value” those things the same way he should if he were the father of those kids?

I’m not sure how this pans out to be honest.

Exactly this, I’m not sure how blended families work unless the kids are taken on unconditionally from step parents.
I contribute 60/70% of my salary on food- which the OH happily eats!

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 04/06/2026 21:49

HumberSquid · 04/06/2026 20:48

Well quite a bit of money for a start....

It's strange how on mumsnet stepmothers are advised not to parent or pay for their husbands children from a previous marriage but stepfathers are utter bastards unless the step up 100%

Show quote history

not sure where iv stated a step father was an utter bastard unless he steps up 100%

more about chores between a couple

refusing to watch dinner whilst you pop out, don't seem to be wanting to do any domesticated tasks, but its to late for red flags they are already married, thus id not be starting a family if he thinks domestic chores are not for him to do

Original poster
PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 21:48

Decacaffeinatednow · 04/06/2026 20:49

Did you marry him for his money?

We had a pre nup, so no. Don’t get me wrong, having a good salary for myself is desired but not possible right now. And it won’t likely increase massively anytime soon. But having a good income can make aspects of life easier and I appreciate that.
the pre nup was to protect the money I had post divorce and to protect his assets, should we ever separate, and we have entered into it, hoping that wouldn’t be the case.
I have enabled him to buy another house (our family home) whilst he keeps his assets(his old house). I compromised a larger share in the equity for him, due to the cost of buying an additional property (SDLT). I partly own the family home and that is all, he owns multiple property, hence contributing a smaller deposit to the house and paying more through mortgage payments. If that makes sense!

OP posts:
Newmeagain · 04/06/2026 21:28

Actually, reading this properly, the OP is by no means better off here!

the husband is paying more towards the house now but this will increase his share in the house and he is only paying his share of bills.

the OP has lost any benefit top ups she may have been entitled to and yet needs to pay her share of everything.

whitefluffydog · 04/06/2026 21:16

He still finances your whole lifestyle.....but ask him why he married you....may be you still give him something which he likes? I don't know

Jellybunny98 · 04/06/2026 20:50

I think it’s a hard one because I assume you work part time to benefit your children which are not his children, and spend your money on your children which are not his children, so he isn’t going to “value” those things the same way he should if he were the father of those kids?

I’m not sure how this pans out to be honest.

Decacaffeinatednow · 04/06/2026 20:49

Did you marry him for his money?

HumberSquid · 04/06/2026 20:48

MikeRafone · 04/06/2026 20:04

what ever you do, don't have children with this man

what does he bring to your life?

Well quite a bit of money for a start....

It's strange how on mumsnet stepmothers are advised not to parent or pay for their husbands children from a previous marriage but stepfathers are utter bastards unless the step up 100%

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/06/2026 20:46

He might be contributing more financially but he's not contributing respect or grace. You need to sit down with him and work out what you both expect from the other and if you are both satisfied with that. Resentment is just going to grow otherwise. Did you agree before you married how finances and housework etc would be split? If you can't agree what is fair (and once agreed it shouldn't keep being brought up) then you should separate and the sooner the better (for your DC and while you are still entitled to a bigger share of the house).

Original poster
PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 20:46

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2026 20:27

This seems quite fucked up tbh.

if all your money goes on your own extras, how would you have paid living costs if it wasn’t for him?
tbh I never would have done what he has done - he spends most of his salary on someone else’s kids who he doesn’t seem to like.

so that last sentence, that’s a pretty horrible environment for your kids.

I can’t see this lasting at all.

For sure, I would be on benefits to supplement my income. I did get them previously, but once we lived together I could no longer claim. So my income reduced. I do have a professional job, just the income I get doesn’t cover the living costs.

the finances are not even, and they never will be as the salary disparity is huge.

OP posts:
rwalker · 04/06/2026 20:38

So he pays more into the house he owns less of
and the majority of the bills for you and 2 kids that aren’t his
your definitely the winner here
time and time again on here when a husband has kid with the ex the general advice is his kids his problem
think you need a sit down chat with exportations and boundaries

Tablesandchairs23 · 04/06/2026 20:31

Wasn't this discussed before you were married and bought the house.

LaBmW4e · 04/06/2026 20:27

That is not a bad deal for him as he is directly benefiting if he pays more into the house. I suspect his issue is with the fact that you had a much bigger lump sum to pay into the house. I am not sure I could be with anyone who creates a bad atmosphere for my kids home. I got out of a damaging situation with my ex a year ago (where we shared ownership of a house ) and it really affected me and and my son. I hope you make the right decision for you and your kids as soon as possible. Oh and also why should you have to work full time if it doesn’t work for you.. I don’t get why people are saying you should.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2026 20:27

This seems quite fucked up tbh.

if all your money goes on your own extras, how would you have paid living costs if it wasn’t for him?
tbh I never would have done what he has done - he spends most of his salary on someone else’s kids who he doesn’t seem to like.

so that last sentence, that’s a pretty horrible environment for your kids.

I can’t see this lasting at all.

Original poster
PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 20:26

This is exactly it!

OP posts:
AlphaApple · 04/06/2026 20:19

He sounds horrible. You need a serious conversation with him.

redskyAtNigh · 04/06/2026 20:19

My contributions appear to be of no value, because they are not as financial as those made by the OH. I’m always being reminded of the financial contributions that he makes. I am thankful for this, but I have made a very significant financial contribution already which seems to be forgotten.

Your significant financial contribution gave you a greater proportion of the house though. His greater mortgage payments aren't giving him anything extra.

If the roles were reversed people would be telling OP that she didn't have to look after her partner's children or take on extra housework because her partner had children to look after. Yes, watching dinner for 10 minutes is a bit petty, but I wonder if you expect him to pick up housework regularly while you do child related things?

EmailsaysOOO · 04/06/2026 20:15

Yes your new guy is mean..As many others will soon be along to tell you. Hope he will change or if not, I'd do a runner if I were you.

CagedBirdInACage · 04/06/2026 20:15

I think the thing here is that usually in a relationship if one partner is working p/t and contributing less financially it's because they are looking after their children(their being both partners). Here by working p/t and looking after your children it isn't really a contribution to the partnership in the same way if you know what I mean.

At the end of the day though he knew your financial situation and your family commitments before moving in with you. He shouldn't be berating you or making you feel inferior now.

Original poster
PinkCatStripes · 04/06/2026 20:14

The division of the house is split based on the amount paid in, so it’s not jointly owned 50/50. The ownership share changes based on the amount paid in, so when he pays the mortgage, his share increases. It’s not a marriage with joint finances by any stretch.

He is good with the kids and treats them, but day to days he’s working.
i have to share the children with EH so they are with us just over half the time. Complicated court arrangements mean my child cannot move schools - and is a long commute away. I mostly work 4 days a week, but am trying to do more hours when I can.

OP posts: